You know a surprise place where you find some great band names? The “In Popular Culture” section of wiki articles about serial killers.

My kids keep watching Cruella and I keep hearing it from the other room and good lord what was the soundtrack budget for this movie? This movie couldn’t possibly have warranted using this many famous songs.

Just finished a book in one day for the first time in almost twenty years.

Well, for me having been sick most of this week with some kind of respiratory bug, only practicing one time, and eating Buffalo Wild Wings last night, my daughter and I were the first ones from her school to finish this 5K.

🎵Tariffs on the imports No transgender youth sports Fluctuating job reports Texting out war plans DEI is a nope JD Vance kills the Pope Uber drivers known to grope Explosion in Iran🎵

Yeah, I know about AI. As in “Ayyy, I want those digits, girl.”

I have held on to this for forty years without ever saying it… I do not like the song “Under Pressure.”

I may not be having a midlife crisis. I’ve been in a bad mood all week for unclear reasons but today it became apparent that I’ve just been ill (COVID? Man-cold?). So I guess I’m fine, just very sick!

Stock goes down, stock goes up. You can’t explain that.

I’m gonna let you know something from a therapist perspective: if you’re going to all of your partner’s appointments for everything, unless they are actually incapable of being alone or comprehending the information they are being given, you’re probably not helping.

Me, walking into the living room and looking at the TV: “We’re watching this again?” Daughter: “I’m in my Mrs. Doubtfire era.”

Remembering that I don’t have to listen to my worst thoughts and neither do you.

I just realized I’m going to have to live through an era of social media influencers running for elected office.

Good job eh

I mean this in all seriousness: is anyone else experiencing an actual midlife crisis?

I’m glad political figures like Pete Buttigieg are going on comedy podcasts to try and reach out to voting blocs, but I’d be even happier if comedians just shut the fuck up forever about anything not comedy-related.

So you've got Michael Jordan - the acting one not the basketball one - two of him! And he comes back to Mississippi - we love Mississippi, don't we folks? And he is a business man. Starts a juke. A JUKE. Who ever heard of such a thing? But they won't let the white people in. VERY UNFAIR!!

You have to understand just how much disdain I have for Will Stancil’s haters: it’s enough to make me defend Will Stancil.

“The meaning of a word is its use in the language.” Read some Wittgenstein, hater.

Burgers on the grill: the one food thing I can do, and I’m doin’ the fuck out of it.

My plan is to get a new dog next year and I know the breed I want and my wife is both not on board with the breed or even the idea of another dog. So I’m obviously doing the healthy and mature thing and getting my children to apply pressure.

Two elderly white guys got out of a car in this parking lot with a bumper sticker they said “Don’t Blame Me, I voted for Kamala” if you needed a little hope boost.

It’s weird how you can simultaneously feel devastated about losing what you see as an irreplaceable dog and feel like you want a new dog immediately.

New Rule: Bill Maher needs to go away

Sinners was alright. Kinda all over the place.

I was at the store today and a guy asked an employee if there was a “self-inflicted damage” discount because he tried on pants and didn’t notice a tag or sensor in the pocket, cut himself on it, and got blood on the clothes.

Wife: “I really want to get into edging.” Me: “OHHH?” Wife: “THE LAWN.”

The perfect cinematic experience is seeing a critically praised box office flop with ten other strangers who sit at least ten seats away in complete silence and actually pay attention the entire time.

Well, they can cut funding, but MY research on women will continue.

I desperately need a reality check from someone other than my wife because I’m at tee ball practice and I swear parents today are absolutely fucking useless. Kids won’t always pay attention or behave, but they will do both much more if you actually demand it of them.

Thinking of posting something deeply racist on social media, getting fired, and starting a podcast about being a victim. Is that still a viable path?

Poor Christians, when will they stop being persecuted in *checks notes* the United States? So glad we have such important executive orders to address these problems for this oppressed minority.

Nobody wants to woke anymore.

People have gotten too fucking weird.

Things that didn’t die when Joe Biden was President: 1. My water heater 2. My dog 3. The Pope

PRAYING FOR POPE FRANCIS, WHO, FRANKLY, WAS NOT VERY NICE TO ME.

I have tried to not consume news but I started getting Mike Rogers ads on YouTube today and I had to look up why I’m seeing this loser sack of shit’s face again.

I have two weeks to train for a 5K with my daughter and I’m eating a pudding dessert straight out of the 9x13 baking dish by myself.

As part of my grief I am reading Simpsons-based dog names and laughing my ass off. I hope someday I get to scream “MENDOZAAAAA!” when I’m calling for a dog. Please help turn this into a thread of Simpsons name ideas.

💔

This is a long one, so bear with me…🧵 Today I said goodbye to Tuco, my faithful Siberian Husky of over ten years. I got him when he was just eight weeks old. He was here in this house before I ever had children. My wife and I got him together but even she knew he was “my” dog…

Haven’t been this sad in so long I’m not even sure I can remember when.

One of my all-time favorites, simultaneous downward dogs

I can still change my mind but as of now we are saying goodbye to our dog on Saturday. He was with me before I ever had kids and as part of me coming to terms with this here are some pictures of how he was when the kids were very small.

Talking hypothetical future dogs and it’s so unfair my wife is not on board with Old English Sheepdog.

Making the market go up by pausing the thing you did to make the market drop. 4-D chess. No notes.

18 year-old guy making my smoothie has an Ace of Spades being held by a skeletal hand tattoo. You’re so hardcore, smoothie boi.

Should I go see Electric Six for $25?

*brief silence after finishing dinner* My nine year-old daughter: “I’m gonna take a dump.”