one time I was driving home and I saw a small crowd around someone who looked dead so I pulled my car over and checked for a pulse and then started cpr on the sidewalk and while I was doing cpr a bystander tried to STEAL MY CAR KEYS

nurse: doctor josh can you please tell my son that he shouldn’t eat too much candy me: ugh yeah one time I ate so much sour candy that my tongue started peeling it was soooo painful nurse: oh wow how old were you me: …….yesterday

one time in college I took an exam thinking “wow this is way harder than I expected” and the professor walked by and gasped because she’d given me (AND ONLY ME??) an exam from a different course. Every hard exam since I was like IS IT HAPPENING AGAIN? IT CAN’T HAPPEN TWICE RIGHT?

people named barb are so lucky because they can be like “my name is short for phenobarbital” and no one can argue with them

didn’t think this needed to be said but please don’t put urine in your eyes

when I was a resident, a mysterious ER nurse used to leave a cookie on my desk after I did a good job with a sick patient. Years later, no cookies appear…but after every resuscitation I still crave one….a Pavlovian echo of a kindness that never quite left me 🍪

*be me in med school* me: ok remember these 3 words—book, cat, potato. I’ll ask again in 5 min to test your memory patient: ok *5min later* patient: book, cat…uhhh…what was the third one? me: ……. patient: did u forget too me: …………yeah

just Bucket (orange) and Pebble (grey) being gamer kitties

big if true!!!

hi, medical toxicologist that knows a lot about Tylenol here👋 Claiming that tylenol use in pregnancy causes autism is fearmongering here's what you need to know 🧵

*me working in pediatrics ER* kid: do u play video games kid’s dad: he’s a doctor of course he doesn’t play video games me:

thank goodness for this useless infographic now we know the cure for cancer is “minerals”

chew your food please or it will get stuck in your esophagus and then you will have to go to the ER and yes the culprit almost always is steak

got a new kitten from the shelter and we named her Pebble and I was worried that our adult cat Bucket would be upset but it has been less than 2 weeks and I woke up this morning to this 🥰

if you post a video on social media making fun of your patients body fluids you deserve to be fired and never see patients again

not sure what is more impressive—an IV placed in the forehead, or the fact that it was documented as “IV-head”

fun fact: this is chocolate agar and it’s used to grow gonorrhea less fun fact: it does not contain chocolate medical fact: a 3yo child ate a culture dish of chocolate agar in his moms car (she was a microbiology lab tech) and the kid got throat gonorrhea :(

accidentally said fresh frozen pizza instead of fresh frozen plasma I think I need some pizza

its time I come forward with the truth: I love the watery powdered eggs that hotels have at their free continental breakfast AND I AM NOT ASHAMED

in honor of National Left-Handed Day, here is an exchange I had with a surgeon when I was in medical school *in operating room* surgeon: hold this tool in your right hand me: i’m left handed actually surgeon: no you’re not me: oh ok my bad

👋 medical toxicologist here and I am begging people to not take this gas station “wellness” drink want to know why?? 🧵

Which antibiotic is most likely to make a huge bid at an auction? Macrobid!!!!

when the pizza bakes you back

rolled my ankle in my hospital clogs and saw my life flash before my eyes

do NOT google image “carbuncle” expecting to see the cute fox creature from final fantasy unless you want to learn what a carbuncle actually is

*me in med school* doctor: welcome to your first shift in the ER! me: yay doctor: make sure you wear a lanyard that emergency releases when pulled or someone could strangle you with it! me: wait wha— doctor: ok let’s go see our first patient!

Saw Les Mis the other day. Honestly it reminds me of the emergency department bc everyone is either bleeding or singing or desperately trying to do their job.

do I hate that this exists or do I hate that I would try it

labubu this labubu that…its giving labubonic plague and im terrified i might catch it

i’m not interested in your beer menu JUST 👏 SHOW 👏 ME 👏 THE 👏FRIES

went for a run and saw a gorgeous red flower among a bunch of dandelions so I ran closer and it was just a fire hydrant nature really is beautiful sometimes 🥰

Toxicologist here 👋 this is a horrible idea

this is beyond fucked up who shuts down a suicide hotline???

Peckingham Palace (my bird feeder with a camera in it) caught this diva having a little snack!!!!! what should I name her

friendly reminder that celebrities like Orlando Bloom are not scientists, they’re just rich people with Instagram Bloom spent ~$13k on this bullshit pseudoscience scam

*overheard in the hospital* person #1: *showing pic* my cats name is demi person #2: awww is that short for something person #1: dementia

RFK Jr. spouted dangerous vaccine falsehoods on national TV. As a parent and infectious diseases doctor, I couldn't stay silent. Here's what the data actually shows. 🧵

was michelle branch’s song “everywhere” actually about measles

as an ER doctor I handle codes and chaos without hesitation… but walking to my car, starving after my shift, and seeing a Cheez-It on the hospital floor… I froze.

set up a bird feeder with a camera that notifies me when there’s a bird visiting and omggggg I’ve become SO popular in the bird world

i fell in love with him the way two narcissists turn on each other after an election—slowly, and then all at once

if you have a uti you should see a statistician bc they know a lot about pee values

*extremely long sigh*

I hate it when Past Josh schedules stuff for Future Josh and then when it finally comes around Present Josh has to deal with it…so to get revenge on Josh, Present Josh schedules stuff for Future Josh to deal with, and thus, the cycle continues

Dedication doesn’t mean neglecting yourself. Advocating for safe hours and safe working conditions isn’t weakness…it is sustainability. A broken system shouldn’t be held together by broken doctors.

pharmacists be like

niche academia things iykyk

haircut obtained, gay powers restored

it always makes me sad when patients feel they have to apologize before asking questions it’s your body, your health, your life. You aren’t expected to know everything about medicine. Ask questions!!!!

friendly reminder that if you are stung by a jellyfish and ask your friend to pee on it you will still be in pain but now also smell like piss