My 4yo niece: I have bewfow hair wike Anna and Elsa! Me: 🥹 yes. Keep this confidence, always.

Omelas delenda est.

They survived him. And hopefully we all will, too.

It is Saturday morning in alternate 2025 as I put a couple pieces of bacon into the skillet. “Quiet, piggy” I chuckle, having never heard that phrase used in a horrible way.

To every person I met who acted like my white noise machine was the WEIRDEST THING they’d ever seen when we were kids, and I was some kind of freak (almost everyone): how is sleeping in silence like a psychopath? That tinnitus treating you well in your 40s?

To people not watching sports, every sports update probably sounds like “Jaden Mahaeden reborked it! I KNEW he had the offensive pats to make his mark in the Malorkhi regime. Chicago is so lucky.”

Apropos of nothing, I’m glad there’s a main character in a TV show named Noah. For the first 22 years of my life or so, I got to repeat and spell my name 3x for a shocking number of people.

I wonder what percentage of avid Fox News watchers still have family who wants a gift from them?

all day just a huffing and squirting!

I wish that Outback Steakhouse served a salmon that was exactly Woomba, no more or less. But I have been informed that they only serve Toowoomba salmon.

In the morning: yeah, I can make <fairly complicated dish> tonight My energy that night:

Return to office! Our company culture is never stronger than when we work together! The culture:

It’s just a few bad actors! We can salvage the corporate megachurch! We just need to form a culture of goodness, where we expose and deal with abuse and police ourselves better. The culture:

“Jesus, we cooked?”

*hands the wafer* The Body of Christ *hands a potato* The body of Jack Black

I heard New York is suffering under Shmearia law. I’m happy to show up and eat some bagels, if that helps.

Me: why is the grinch stealing Christmas? 13yo nephew, without hesitating: orphanage!

Dani designed this great pantry from IKEA and Lowe’s pieces. I built it! Wanted to share with you all!

Rewatched Julie and Julia last night. Stanley Tucci with his stache + slutty lil glasses combo is A+. I don’t often watch movies and rant “GET ME THIS MAN’S WARDROBE”, but…

Drying

We all do, in fact, have a nemesis. I married mine. That was in our wedding vows, actually. We’re like if Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty had gotten married instead of beefing so much.

BREAKING: the Association of Naturalized Buccaneers is suing the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, claiming “Yon branding be only made o’ harmful stereotypes.” and “Me mates don’t always be firin’ the cannons and drinkin’ rum, that only be most weeknights and occasional weekends”.

I’m almost an HOUR into Casino Royale and 1) there is NO casino 2) there is NO royale 0 out of 5 stars.

If you ask @danijustmight.bsky.social, she’ll either mention my homemade fried chicken or my grilled pizza.

Listen to Amy’s wisdoms.

Of the people on earth, I think I like our president 8 billionth most.

Am I a bad person for telling my church friends that “Dogma” is the spiritual successor to The Chosen?

John Coltrane, probably:

I found your mom’s beer.

The flight attendant: *brings apple chips to first class* Me: PUT ME BACK IN COACH AND BRING ME DA GORBAGE

If you’re having a bad day, this might make it better. I’m pretty sure an Arrested Development episode couldn’t write this better.

Remember, remember, etc.

I just realized Kobe was the Anchor Being of this universe. Dang.

The night after the Ides of March

I tasted this post, but only for about two chews.

Google every time you sign in from your own dang laptop

Do you guys remember the time Frodo got vaccinated by the Witch King on Weathertop?

Me: falling asleep My brain: everyone who thought you were a super talented musician also likes the piano worship covers in Hobby Lobby

I used to think if they subbed me in, I could dominate my niece’s soccer games. But these girls are in 5th grade now, and I’m pretty sure they’d eat me for lunch. One of them just got drilled in the jaw with a ball and just shook it off.

“I know what you are. You're impossibly fast, and strong. Your skin is pale white and ice cold. Your eyes change color, and sometimes you speak like - like you're from a different time.”

Consider your weener hollowed, Mr. Bond.

Someone else says something about <noun>. Me, muttering in astonishment: ouch. Right in the <noun>hole.

Ken M, but for LinkedIn. Has this been done?

I will be donating 10% of my sales now through end of November to help raise funds for Hurricane Melissa relief www.paperandpendragon.com

This one time, King David was fooling around at home when he had real work to do. He saw one of his bros wives and was like “I want that”. So he took her, then arranged to have her husband, his ally, killed. Just a reminder that happened once in the Bible. I’m sure it’s not like…applicable.

New DJ name dibs: Juicy Earwax

Beds are just wireless chargers for humans.

Germany’s decision to march into Russia with winter approaching.

Me, bringing cookies to my team: Mrs Noah sends her regards Them: ….who? Me: my wife, guys. My wife. She made you cookies.