When Mrs Potts from Beauty and the Beast pours tea, is it like…coming out her nose? Is she peeing it?

The therapy dog after I share all my problems.

pixar script writers, after two metric tonnes of adderall: AND THEN WE FUNNEL THE TOYS RIGHT INTO A FURNACE

To anyone wondering…yes, this LITERALLY is biblical.

The guys who run the Death Star laser, probably:

My posting philosophy? When you throw a lot of turds at the wall, eventually one of them sticks. Bartender: can you please let someone else order? We’ll bring you your fruit punch when it’s ready.

Internet cults in the 2020s are just popular brand content creators, and I can’t be convinced otherwise.

Isn’t it actually Allouranus? Not just Uranus?

When God closes a door, He opens a window so you can conveniently jump out.

Squirrels, when they begin winter prep, probably:

How’s it going for me while Dani’s gone? Well, I just ate a hotdog while sitting in bed. So. It’s probably good that someone is here to judge me most of the time.

Sometimes a church brings in a string quartet and prominently displays them front and center on stage. But then, the U2esque worship band then fully drowns out the beautiful sound of strings and you never hear them. Pouring one out for those of you who experienced Chekov’s Quartet this morning.

Post something random or you’ll have an awful April

Dani made the world’s most gorgeous homemade burger baps. Literally one of the best things I’ve eaten right here.

“Born to be Wild” while speedwalking. Call it Schleppenwulf.

Of course people would create a machine that could help us cure cancer and exponentially increase our ability to solve problems…and use it for porn, crimes, and exploiting people.

“I HATE STAYING IN HOTELS WHERE I HAVE TO BE QUIET” -10yo niece

“Hold on, sweetheart, Daddy needs to shotgun a row of superholes”

All the homeschooled worldview/ western civ nerds who are still super conservative are going to absolutely gag on this. Turn our backs on the foundational ideas of antiquity? Seems …pretty anti-conservative to me.

But have you ever tried DEpantomiming? It’s where you pretend to remove your pants but actually you keep them on.

You’re telling me this cheese was scraped from the udders of a cottage?

One thing’s for sure - that purity pledge worked so well on me, no woman would even approach me until I was in my 20s.

Something the world needs to know about living with anxiety is, when things are going great externally, it really sucks. But when things get really bad externally, it still really sucks. But when the external situation and internal feeling align, you reach a sort of confluence. An odd calm.

A man once made some wildly bad decisions, hurt other people, and generally caused havoc. Then one day he claimed to find God, that he was forgiven and redeemed, and wanted others to forgive him too. That man didn’t find God. He found an excuse. Do with this parable what you will.

If you’ve ever thought, “What if a class pet iguana was also Mr Rogers”, you should watch Leo.

Lays commercials always feature an overly perky woman’s voice saying things like “farm grown potatoes”. As opposed to what, Jessica? Wild caught ones?

Tired: buttcrack Inspired: glute canal

Some days reality punches you right in the sensicals.

I love RomComs, I just get them all confused. For example, I suggested we watch “Little Italy”, but then wondered where Amanda Seyfried and the spoiled British guy were.

Bye, Costco Wholesale! See you next time. Good luck selling the wholes, or whatever.

Since moving to Atlanta, we spend our Friday nights at the club* *Costco Wholesale.

Has anyone suggested “Room Where It Happens” from Hamilton?

I love watching the Olympics, because it’s a great way to see six minutes and 15 seconds of a game you find interesting before they cut away to Mike Tirico talking.

Anybody else go straight to the Bad Bunny SNL skits when that ended or just us?

The Sermon on the Mount, by Beryl Lewis, before 1965, 📸 by @ScottStrazzante

I don’t think a halftime show can save a country, but it can try. God bless all of America.

BREAKING: during the night, a perpetrator drew mustaches on NEARLY everyone’s faces overnight.

Update: Dani gave them the nerf guns. God help us all.

Tonight’s episode of “My House Has Been Occupied By 9 middle school boys” They have but one volume. And it is loud. 😆

Me: I wonder if I could be a detective on a stakeout Also me, when I wait to pick someone up longer than 10 minutes: *melts in frustration*

Tired: beards are push-up bras for men Wired: men think tactical vests are pushups bras for men

I just realized my nephew literally has five of these left before college.

ALERT: the pink princess tent we bought for the 4yo niece has been claimed by the biggest and strongest of the boys, as we literally all predicted.

Another house shaking thump. They build these houses pretty good, right?

We’re hosting 9 middle schoolers with 3 high school leaders and 1 adult for a church retreat. They are camping out on our second floor and it’s HILARIOUS. My nephew is one of them and I’m going to tell so many dad jokes.

The judge at the end of Miracle on 34th street:

I am Jack’s sudden and highly anticipated demise.

*sips Emergencee* This drink sucks, and I don’t like it. *sets down* *picks up again and drinks without thinking*

It heckin WIMDY.

Nephew: ….cough cough….BRAAAAAAIIINNNNS Me: my dude, if you’re about to be a brain eating zombie in THIS house, get ready to starve