Am going to stop posting here. Social media implies there will be contact. I get one like per 20 posts here and while I appreciate that like, I'm going back to where I have at least a little interaction. I guess y'all can consider my Bsky account defunct. Look me up on fb or Threads. Sad.

Before/after 2017 vs now. #weightlossjourney

A good first date, we walked down an Albuquerque alleyway just talking. I think I'd like to see her again.

Meeting her at noon at a park up the road. I'm not really nervous anymore, after the conversations we've had this last week, I'm just curious. Certain things cannot be faked. Lets find out.

After chatting again all day I think we're going to try meet for the first time irl tomorrow. So nervous, but so curious too.

Overwhelmed with swooning yall Shes just like me.

A delay, but it's not a problem. We're still looking at meeting up but check engine lights come first.

Happy dance:

My only real goal for today is to not psych myself out about tomorrow. The worst thing that could happen? I've made a new friend. Sticking to the plan, follow the rules, just be myself. I realize this might sound simple to everyone else but I'm pretty well know for fucking things up.

I asked a new girl out and she said yes! I'm batting pretty high on fb dating. I've had 5 dates in total and one two year relationship. Now another date? Not too bad. 😃😃😃

My therapist reminded me I'm not looking for an escape, my actual goal is survival. I should expand my circle, break routines, disrupt repetition. Even an act like walking home in a new direction can shift the focus. The aim is to change it up. Break rhythm, survive. Such a good #therapy session.

I have a strange feeling that tonight might be a little more than just another average night for me. Of course I recognize that could be pure delusion too, I tend to lead with my heart. I just really like this one, y'all. Cross your fingers for me, okay?

Cool band shirt of the day: #NewModelArmy

Remembering my Dad today, Retired E-8 USAF '63-'83. A bipolar alcoholic/addict with 4 divorces, he once told me I was a much better father than he had been. Whenever I was struggling as a parent, I would deliberately do the opposite of what he would have done. Pretty simple. Thank you Dad.

Old punk band tshirts are the best.

Kind of in an off mood since yesterday. I'm going to keep to myself tonight and try focus on my responsibilities, and to do my best to mind my own business. Going to try to focus on constructive and creative things.

1 of 3 So today's #AwfulFirstDate was something else. In addition to several other glaring red flags (getting lost at a major intersection, discussing her former meth cook within the first 5 minutes) she told me Trump was sent by God to remove all the corrupt politicians. My jaw hit the floor.

D for disaster, E for my eyes, A for anger, D until I die, M for Mona, O oh good, O oh good, N for the night DEAD MOON NIGHT DEAD MOON NIGHT

I'm going on a coffee date with a new friend this morning. My therapist told me this is incredibly healthy for me, because I'm building connection, practicing emotional presence and reclaiming agency. It's supposed to build confidence too. I'm still nervous though.

My bedroom window underneath the Albuquerque moon.

I've had more than one person I love say I'm not listening today, that I don't come across like I'm asking, I come across like I'm telling. This hurt my feelings, which is a sure sign that they were right. Feeling ill/having insomnia is no excuse. I am grateful I have therapy this week.

One positive thing about being a lonesome insomniac with a broken heart? I'm writing music again.

New shirt ordered: #NewModelArmy

New original music from me, the first new song in a while. Caution, this one comes in hot. youtube.com/shorts/w0OEs...

I have the candy hook up.

A tough year for me emotionally. A lot of change, much of which was unwanted, but necessary. I'm still walking my way, but it hasn't been easy. I'd like to harvest the fields of the heartache and sacrifice it all to the fire tonight. Burn it clean, make ready for the winter. Happy Samhain.

Managed to get some sleep last night, 6 hours, which isn't enough, but it's double what I've been getting as of late. Grateful. I get god damned goofy when I don't sleep right. Gonna nap today if I can.

Wrote a long letter to my ex gf, probably wasn't that well thought out. Forgive me. I've not been sleeping well. Didn't ask her to come back, didn't tell her to fuck off, what I did was let out a lot of emotions onto paper. She's usually someone I can trust with this. Hope I didn't piss her off.

#autism My therapist recommended trying to activate my diving reflex the next time I was overwhelmed and near meltdown. I tried it, and I calmed down and was able to sleep. I think I just found a new tool to use to help regulate myself. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diving_...

New shirt day!

I'm considering a trip to my hometown by greyhound in 2026. My best friend's mom passed away and though I probably can't make the funeral, I could save a few months and make the trip in the new year. This is all in the brainstorming stage but yeah. It might be time to go home for a week or two.

1:13 am, fighting off ghosts of the past. i'm so lonesome. if I'm supposed to be alone, why do i feel so heartsick? is this energy just supposed to be wasted? i need to stop, when i wake up tomorrow i'm going to be ashamed i sat up all night wishing for the impossible. again.

New #cat in our place! Meet Butter. She's absolutely the sweetest cat, too. Very friendly!

Our harvest from the pomegranate trees in the back yard this year. Not as fruitful in 2025, both trees need pruning badly. Will do it in the off-season. Still managed to get about 40lbs or so. Thank you Persephone.

Eli gave me a pinch of kief to go with my flower this morning....

1:04am Me, to myself: Don't message her, don't do it, she's sleeping and you should be too. Don't do it Teddy. Leave her alone. Stop. It's a terrible idea. You need to go to sleep.

"Feast when you can and dream when there's nothing to feast on" Quote on the sticker from the Mountain Goats song 'Steal Smoked Fish," which a fan made and sent me through the mail. For free.

1990

Eli said I had a little left on my debit this month and I could blow it on whatever, so I bought a few band t-shirts. I think I should do this more often. My collection grows... And now I have a Butthole Surfers shirt on the way. 😀

Met someone, chatted online, was beginning to feel like she might be someone worth getting to know better, but when I asked for assurance that she was real and who she said she was, she stalled, then deflected. So I blocked her. Gotta be careful, it IS the internet you know.

Eli brought home donuts, he said he picked the fritter for me. It was a strawberry fritter! I never even heard of such a thing. So good.

Another freezing night upstairs, it must have beendown to about 50f up here... the heater was supposed to be running but it never cycled on. Rob got it turned on for real this morning. My back and hip are very grateful for the WHOOSH it makes when it turns on. Like a jet engine.

Thursdays are awesome, because on Thursdays if you buy an ounce of weed at the local dankery, they throw in 7 grams of kief. Grateful.

Finally feeling more like myself, I had a cold last week and a bout of a stomach bug the last couple days, but I woke up and I didn't feel like crap today. Happy about that part. Not sure what happens today. I've been a mess for a while though. Nice to not be sick,

Got sick last night. Again this morning. Eli got me Pepto and 7-up. Ugh.