Just read three pages of a book, thinking about becoming a professor

Christened my new bed 😈 (already spilled noodles in it)

Why do coffee shops think I want to listen to acoustic covers. If I’m anywhere assume that I want to hear songs that feature Pitbull or dead fucking silence

Salary increase? No thank you I don’t like the crunch

Work from home is crazy. wtf is an “action item” I’m literally making tzatziki

I could never date more than one person at once. I can’t even make an appointment with a new hairdresser without mentally constructing an alibi to my existing hairdresser

Breaking out the athleisure today to eat candy in bed and take the elevator down two floors

I hate it when a man’s name is John. What are you an apostle

I’m not saying that my life is a sitcom but I am saying that I am currently unable to pick up my hand painted Russian stacking dolls because the woman who runs the pottery shop keeps texting me about her divorce

Hinge isn’t a dating app it’s a creative writing character generator. Like alright “Agnostic Waiter from Ann Arbor, Michigan” get your short story prompt ass out of here

VEVO is a beautiful name for a child

All restaurants should have a section called the “creamed corn-er.” And that’s where you go to order the creamed corn

If I ever get married I am getting an intellectual property prenup. Take the kids but I’ll be damned if I catch you doing my bits after the divorce

Intimacy is when you’re holding out a coupon on your phone and the cashier is trying to aim the scanner thing at it

I hate when vegan meat brands are like yeah, it’s “chk’n” 😉 it’s “be’f”😘. BE’F??? Fuck you!!! Are you insane??? Fuck you!!! Unbelievable