#CUBS: In anticipation of season meltdown, Wrigley Field installs s**cide nets around stadium

#BEARS: #DaBears, ahead of Monday Night opener against #Vikings, lay fresh gravel, garbage, wood chips on Soldier Field playing surface

#WHITESOX: #Pope Bob enjoyed a cigar outside an Oak Brook 7-Eleven with a crowd of devotees on hand. “Dis place’ll always be White Hen, get me?” The mood soured as reports came in of a south side series loss to the Astros. His holiness sparked a Winston 100 & spat before his departure.

#WHITESOX: #Pope Bob enjoyed a cigar outside an Oak Brook 7-Eleven with a crowd of devotees on hand. “Dis place’ll always be White Hen, get me?” The mood soured as reports came in of a south side series loss to the Astros. His holiness sparked a Winston 100 & spat before his departure.

#CUBS: Boog Sciambi temporarily abandons ayahuasca spirit journey to broadcast Phillies series opener

#CUBS: Star RF Kyle Tucker injures finger during escape from within a rhinocerous

#BEARS: Kevin Warren, George McCaskey settle on abandoned lot, a former Tilted Kilt location, for new Bears practice facility; plan stadium lot within a closed Shoney's

#CUBS: Tom Ricketts, multi-billionaire, has offered all-star slugger Kyle Tucker a crisp $100 bill over a 10-year contract

#WSCR: Former 670 The Score host Dan Bernstein reportedly living in van down by river. More here: tinyurl.com/4s8b89sz

#Bears: 2025 schedule release assures fans that Thanksgiving, Christmas won’t be ruined by franchise

#Cubs/#WhiteSox: Pope Leo XIV clarifies that neither MLB team currently piques his interest; is fully behind Kane County Cougars, however

#Cubs: Northsiders celebrate 25th anniversary of Glenallen Hill hitting a ball into fuckin’ outer space; holy hell did he smash that goddamn thing at least 5-600 feet, my god

#WhiteSox: 2B Chase Meidroth has surprise orgasm during pop-fly, leads to embarrassing error, Chicago loss

#Cubs: After historically bad outing, RP Ryan Pressly has been designated for assignment into the galactic abyss, lost to time and the ancient gods of humanity's ruination. More: tinyurl.com/57cnc9s4

#Cubs: North siders celebrate 27th anniversary of Kerry Wood hitting 20 bags ringers in a row. More: tinyurl.com/5xmeyv7v

#NHLPlayoffs: Watching game 7 of Jets/Blues reminds #Blackhawks fans of Chris Campoli and Alec Martinez, as Chicago area ratings plummet during key playoffs game.

#BREAKING: GM Kyle Davidson to announce that legendary NAHL brawler Shats MacDuffin will be next #Blackhawks head coach. More: tinyurl.com/y3fd5bju

#Bears: Former QB Jay Cutler signs multi-year endorsement deal with Marlboro cigarettes; anticipates being paid in product - "for love of the game," says Cutler's representation.

#Cubs: Hoyer to promote Bananas Sinclair, LHP/Orangutan, from AAA Iowa to Cubs main roster

#WhiteSox: Chairman Jerry Reinsdorf has been successfully reminded that he owns White Sox. “Oh yeah,” said Reinsdorf. “Thanks for that.” He reportedly then resumed flicking boogers onto the windows of his luxury suite.

#Cubs: Pittsburgh PD has taken the right field wall into custody

RETRACTION: The Pillar editorial staff has removed the offending post regarding the fallen Pirates fan, and the social media intern responsible is no longer employed by Pillar Press Inc. We apologize to those impacted. Also we are hiring social media interns; apply here: tinyurl.com/3cacjjjp

#Bulls: Chairman Reinsdorf to induct Lonzo Ball into team's prestigious "Hall of Knees," first member since Derrick Rose to join illustrious injury ring of honor. More: tinyurl.com/yzr5bx3v

#Bears: Kevin Warren turns new stadium talks into developing lot at Baltic Avenue. More: tinyurl.com/mr25f9vt

#Cubs: SP Shota Imanaga exits Pirates game in 6th citing phobia of giant parrots

#Illini: Illinois men's basketball program receives verbal commitment from Niko Bellic to join program for 2025 season. Pillar Sports has also learned the UIUC bowling team has extended an offer to Bellic's cousin Roman. More: tinyurl.com/5e2dm5wr

WSCR: 670 The Score makes Leila Rahimi full-time midday host, saddles her with unlistenable albatross as co-host. Mark Grote to say, "Bears" repeatedly in periodic hosting duties as embattled station continues kicking itself repeatedly in balls. More: tinyurl.com/yk8py82m

#Cubs IF Dansby Swanson to miss 3-5 weeks after severely injuring both nipples at local fetish center. Manager Craig Counsell: "I don't even fuckin' know, guys." More: tinyurl.com/2hac4mp5

#Bears GM Ryan Poles defends decision to draft dead guy with 10th overall pick. "He ran a 4.4 40 before he died; that's elite speed you don't just ignore." More: tinyurl.com/mr23xc9b