I’m celebrating the last day of summer by wearing a cardigan and staying indoors.

I call this poem “Perfect Friday Night” No plans Telly Biscuits Sofa.

Don’t shoot the messenger, but the next bank holiday is Christmas Day.

It’s summer bank holiday and it’s actually sunny. Doesn’t feel right at all.

The most passive-aggressive phrases: 1 Polite notice 2 Gentle/friendly reminder 3 As per my last email 4 Thanks in advance 5 For the avoidance of doubt 6 With all due respect 7 I may have missed it, but 8 Maybe I didn’t explain it clearly enough 9 Not sure if you read my email 10 Hope this helps!

“Would it be easier if I just call you?” Nope, texting is working just fine, thank you.

Being 100% aware that the acquaintance you're pretending not to see is also pretending not to see you.

August. Or as I call it, the “I can’t believe it’s nearly September” month.

Start work slightly early: Nobody notices. Finish work slightly early: “Part timer are you?”

Similar but subtly different British translations 1. “Anyway, I won’t keep you any longer” Translation: I’m going to walk away from you now because I want to go. 2. “Anyway, don’t let me keep you any longer” Translation: I have to stay here, so I can’t walk away, but I want YOU to walk away.

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll issue the killer blow of offering you their regards.

Knowing a situation has become drastically out of hand when a British person says “now come on, there's no need for that”

Going for an “any time” train ticket because understanding what constitutes “off peak” requires an expert knowledge of advanced calculus, economics, law and philosophy.

“I wouldn't say I'm massively looking forward to it” Translation: Since being invited I've thought of nothing except possible excuses not to go.

“I’ll have a look in a second” Translation: Go away.

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Questions that make my mind go blank: “Why do you want this job?” “Know any good jokes?” “Been up to much lately?” “What did you do yesterday?”

“You wanted this on and you’re not even watching it!” “I AM!” Narrator: They were both on their phones.

One minute you're young and wild, the next your favourite weekend activity is standing at the window admiring the lawn you just mowed.

Someone just cancelled plans on me for this evening. I’m wondering if I should send them a thank you card.

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Replying to “how are you?” with “knackered” just in case you're about to be invited out.

In Britain, if you moan online about rubbish weather, it’s the law that someone will reply, “lovely and sunny where I am!”

Speeding up to pass a fellow pedestrian and keeping up the ludicrous pace for at least three miles.

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Autumn’s come round quickly this year.

Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it “Looks like we’ve had our summer!”

Shoutout to the people on public transport who unselfishly choose not to use headphones so we can all enjoy the music.

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I saw someone called “an absolute yoghurt” today. Further proof that “absolute” + “noun” = perfectly good British insult.

This is an awful lot of pre-summer before actual summer. It’s making me worry what actual summer will be like. It’ll either be far too much actual summer, or not much actual summer at all.

“Anyway, the invite’s there, see how you feel” Translation: I can tell you don't want to come and it's become awkward.

“The person you are calling is not available, please leave your message after the...” Phew and nope.

Life = one long panic punctuated by cups of tea.

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Back to 12°C today. Nice manageable temperature. Safe. Dependable.

British people absolutely love saying it’s hotter than either Spain, Greece or Turkey.

Bread knife - a quick wipe with the kitchen roll and away it goes. That’s all it wants. That’s all it needs.

Some two-word dismissive British phrases: Grow up Give over Show off Jog on Clear off Pipe down Yeah right Button it As if Do one

Air fryers have made it far too easy to have “a quick garlic baguette” for breakfast.

Today’s main conversation: “I can’t believe it’s Friday already” “Well, it’s a short week this week”

Ways to accept a cup of tea 1. “Only if you're having one” 2. <check watch> “Go on then” 3. “I wouldn’t say no” 4. “Ooh yes please” 5. “I’m gasping” 6. “You read my mind” 7. Respond to “tea?” by saying “tea” 8. “I’ll make it” 9. “Best idea you’ve had all day” 10. Stating milk/sugar preference

“At least it can't get any worse” Well done, you just set the universe a challenge it can't refuse.

The post-bank holiday chat: “Good bank holiday?” “Yeah, not bad, quite quiet. You?” “Yeah, it was nice, thanks, just saw the family. Ate a lot!” “Same” “Seemed to go by so quickly” “Yeah… I keep thinking it’s Monday” “At least it’s a short week”

Egg on toast for breakfast.

It’s a good day for thinking it’s Saturday.

Only three more days until I can finally eat my 17th Easter Egg of the year.

Nothing more British than the sound of the ice cream van driving by in the rain.

Have we suddenly skipped to July?

British meanings of “I'm fine” 1. I am actually fine, don’t worry 2. I’ll be fine in a minute, but please go away because you’re not helping 3. I've never been so cross 4. I think I’ve just broken my leg 5. My whole life has collapsed