My Halloween costume.

Might just go to a Halloween haunted trail attraction myself.

Can't. Putting a downpayment on a headstone that looks like a book.

*Writes a naughty message on your fridge with letter magnets.*

They don't make 'em like "Young Frankenstein" anymore.

It's always "To the victor go the spoils," and never the Dave or the Steve.

The sound the Amazon truck makes when backing up sounds like a piece of your soul dying.

I managed to get a piece of lint that's been stuck in the side of my laptop's touchpad and bothering the hell out of me removed, so this is what passes as exciting, now.

You know what's sexy? Bed. You know what's sexier? Bedtime.

One good thing about being poor is not having to worry about gold diggers. It's just me, hundreds of books, a pile of bills, and a questionable lower back. Either come party or don't.

The more I use social media, the more I want to be away from it.

We sure do live in brain-dead times.

Annual reminder that this is how I'd like to travel around from place to place. I was born in the wrong time.

I wonder if that '90s Power Rangers Official Fan Club membership is offering senior discounts at this point.

MTV already was dead in my mind the moment they decided to start airing hours of bulls*it on it.

That was one of the most infuriating, stressful dreams I've had in quite a while. I had to get ready for a wedding, but absolutely everyone around me was getting into my way in a comedy-of-errors act that one would see in hell.

Build me a home library like one of your French girls.

Sending a sport over to London that features a defensive play called a "blitz" probably isn't ideal.

I'm baffled at how people just sit in front of the TV and watch anything for hours or days at a times because every time I log into a streaming service, I look and then say, "Wow, this all looks like s*it."

Sleepy Hollow Halloween/Christmas village is up and running. 🎃🐎⛪

You know what will make you stare into space and rethink all of your life choices? Washing a dish in the sink for five minutes trying to get out a damned spot that won't respond to either sponge or Brillo pad because it's actually part of the design on the plate.

Where were you when the world burned? ...no, not that time. No, not that time either. Nope, not the time I'm talking about. Still wrong. No, the other time. Yes, that one.

Might go park my car at the Dunkin' drive-thru and sleep in it until the store opens, like I'm trying to buy concert tickets in '88.

My favorite hip-hop artist is Vincent Price.

It's officially Halloween season because I caught "Halloween" '78 on AMC.

I walked so that my appetite could run.

The kid who loved school supplies grew up to love office supplies. It is I. I am kid.

The price of being a fan.

How do you practice for a funeral service? You re-hearse.

Let's lie down on the grass together, hold hands, and stare up at our own starry night for a while.

My home library is a safe haven for banned books.

It's a sad day when you blurt out, "Oh well. The adults will figure it out," and then you look around the room to discover that you are that adult.

The Halloween party at Allison's house in "Hocus Pocus" is precisely the sort of Halloween party I'd like to throw, or attend, each year.

My ultimate goal scenario is to be in my home library, sitting on a leather armchair, sipping brandy, reading a novel by candlelight, and the world shutting the f*ck up.

Just started a new pencil. Here's to new beginnings.

Let's go to a Halloween haunted trail attraction and make out by the chainsawed victims. Don't be a wuss.

This book will NOT be on the bedside table while I'm reading it. I don't need to roll over in my sleep to see that image at 3:00am.

I see we're reentering that time of the year when bedtime feels like it's at 4:30pm.

Do you know how I became so adept at that carnival game of shooting water into a beloved character's mouth? ...a steady hand forged in the fires of "Call of Duty" sniping.

I have family functions today and tomorrow, and this zit on my face wants to be a plus-one, apparently.

Allow me to take your hand right before we walk into the cornfield together.

In a world where everything seems to be performative and for show on the Internet, it's hard to determine who is real and who is fake.

8:08pm Yankee start time tonight? We geriatric Jrs. don't appreciate this.

I'd be a great bookshop owner. I would do well in that environment.

One minute, you're ordering a #10 and a #2 at Burger King without a care in the world. The next, your hands are positioned at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel because you're driving at night.

The conservation world lost one of its guiding lights on Wednesday when renowned primatologist Jane Goodall passed away at 91. Over 65 years studying chimpanzees in the wild, Goodall proved that primates are a lot like people. But her impact goes far beyond chimps. 🧵

I don't know about the rest of you, but in this economy, it's now the 12-second rule.

My goal is to buy enough books so that my house smells like Borders.

If the government can shut down, then so can I.

Postseason baseball. Inject it into my veins.