You should see them both dancing to German syntho music, it's a sight to see the Graff twerk

Stefi Graff has a sister called Polly…honestly, I'm not lying.

I was today years old when I first heard the phrase "you're clutching at more straws than a scarecrow having a wank" 🤣

My life had no direction until I discovered today was World Orienteering Day.

Today is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Day. I'm so fucking tired of these days....

Today is National Windmill Day. I'll be dressing up for it...I'm a big fan...

Top class evening with The Charlatans in Edinburgh last night 👌

I've developed an obsession with the Pet Shop Boys and it's totally ruining my life.....what have I done to deserve this?

Worst superhero ever…

Today is National No Pants Day. I'm planning to celebrate by watching Arnold Schwarzenegger's Commando.

Me and my mates have started a tribute band but none of us can sing or play any instruments.....everything we mime to will be by the Charlatans...

Today was Denim Day. None of my family wanted to celebrate…we just don't have the genes...

Started listening to all of R.E.M.'s studio albums in order of release & without skipping a song. Just finished Document & moving on to no6, Green. I need to do this more often…& with other bands too. Apps like Spotify make you forget how to listen to an album properly 👌

5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions....

The remake of Weekend At Bernie's looks a bit shit.....

Started a tribute band called Upholstery…we do Suede covers...

Today is St George's Day...the patron saint of supermarket clothing ranges.

Hard times....

My favourite song about a business selling inflatable bands is Pump Up The Jam....

I used to wear really tight polo neck jumpers but I couldn't pull them off...

Today is National Hanging Out Day. I was celebrating it in Costa before the police officer came in and explained I'd misinterpreted what the day was all about & that he had to take me to the station....

Today is National Piñata Day & I'll have loads set up at my party…more than you can shake a stick at...

The World is made up of protons, electrons and neutrons. With the exception of America which mainly consists of morons.

Got a letter today telling me I wasn't good enough to get into origami school.......I don't know what to make of it......

Today is National Auctioneers Day. To celebrate I'm getting hammered....

My Mel & Kim obsession is taking over my life...can anyone help me find a respectable therapist?

Coaching a group of 7 year olds at a mid term football camp. Asked them what song they wanted on for a game we were playing....13 out of 14 shouting "No Scotland No Party!'" ....the last one? Nah, can we have Tupac, California Love 😱🤭

Can't believe I missed National Dolphin Day…it wasn't on porpoise....

Just got thrown out a party for National Scrabble Day because I wasn't any good....I'm totally lost for words....

Rain or Shine, I always make sure I get to my Five Star addiction support group....

Today is National Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day. I'm celebrating by putting the heating on & being toastie…

Coachella is when you get food poisoning on a bus, right?

To celebrate National Farm Animals Day I'm having a fancy dress party…I'll probably make an ass of myself.....

The Ninja Turtles would've been a lot more relatable if Raphael, Michelangelo & Donatello had joined up with one dressed in blue, called Rabbie Burns 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

When I was at the lowest point in my life I'm glad my limbo instructor was there to help me....

Out for a walk & just found this in the woods.😱...if you don't hear from me again any time soon, my last known location on what3words is presenter.detriment.tortoises 🙏😊

My Irish pal has invented a drug that makes your chat a lot more interesting.....he's called it craic cocaine....

Today is National Geology Day & Easter. I'll be celebrating both in keeping with my rock n roll lifestyle…

Merry Easter 🐣 🥶

That's my Easter Sunday carryout sorted.....

I'm starting a podcast about crocodiles. Calling it Snapchat.

Today is World Marbles Day. They won't be celebrating in the USA because they've lost theirs....

I'm sleeping with an anaesthetist....

But it's really only 6.30.....

Don't get too comfortable, it's actually nearly midnight....

Today is Solitude Day. Haven't seen any parties advertised, so if you're celebrating, it looks like you're on your own...

What idiot called it the YouGov Market Research Website and not the Poll Vault?

Set up a new band called Vaseline....our first song is a cover of Slippery People....

Ireland have just lost the 6 Nations in the most Scottish way possible

For all those right wingers complaining about how an MP is dressed, I think you should sit this one out.....