My pet lizard was always so wound up that he couldn't sleep. I've started playing Boy George songs at bedtime & now he's a calmer chameleon 😊

Have I been celebrating World Obesity Day? Fat chance....

Think I was outside the Reform Party headquarters earlier....

Opening a business offering cut price tours to see exotic birds in their wild surroundings & will also include discounted bird food…it's for people who like cheap trills...

"No exit unless in emergency!" And that emergency would be a flood where you float 15ft up to the door…

For anyone saying, if John Davidson isn't a racist, why is that word even his vocabulary? Well I'm guessing it's in yours & that's why it, understandably, upsets you. Now imagine being unable to stop yourself saying it…there's where you need to stop being a dick & your empathy should kick in...

It's difficult to imagine John Davidson could've said anything worse at the BAFTAs…if only there was a film people could watch to educate themselves about his condition. If there was, anyone slaughtering him would know it's tearing him apart that it happened.

I've written a full stand up routine based on Italian food…don't gnocchi it until you've tried it...

Today is Be Humble Day. You might all try but there is NOBODY more humble than ME....

Today is Tug Of War Day. I used to supply a local club with 2nd hand equipment for that…it was money for old rope...

Met Craig David on Monday. Yesterday was a real eye opener....

I find opposable thumb jokes totally gripping....

Anyone want to join my new tribute band, Rocksy Music…we do Lighthouse Family covers...

Apparently, today is Singles Awareness Day. I thought that was yesterday 🤷‍♂️

Everyone knows it's Valentine's Day but I just found out it's also Library Lovers Day…they kept that quiet....

Today is International Condom Day. Not sure what you're all up to but I'm getting rubbered…

What idiot called it the Recycling Centre and not the tipping point?

Do I like Depeche Mode puns? I just can't get enough...

American "Christians" today…if English was good enough for the bible to be written in, it should be good enough for the Superbowl half time show 🤪🤪🤪🤪

Snooker puns are the easiest to deliver right on cue...

My daughter contacted me earlier & all I could see was her dog doing sprints around the garden…turned out it was a zoom call...

In the Western World a lot of us have witnessed that embarrassing racist, incontinent, incoherent grandad who's lost his filter. Most get put in a home. America made him their president 🙄

Today is genuinely National Fart Day…at first I thought it was just someone trying to put the wind up me...

Today is National Wicker Day…what basket case came up with that?

I think tomorrow will be my last session at my Black Eyed Peas Addiction Group. My therapist hasn't said anything but I gotta feeling...

There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that love Don't Stop Movin' by S Club 7 and those who think they're too cool to admit loving it. Happy Friday to all of you 😊❤️ youtu.be/vm262cXxRrU?...

I was today years old when I found out there are no 'X's on the clock faces at Big Ben…they're 'f's 😲

Totally obsessed with a Charlatans song at the moment. Not sure what it's called but it's the only one I know.

Today is Local Quilt Shop Day. I don't celebrate because it only gets me down…

My Tinder profile 😊

Whoever did this, I salute you 🫡🤭

Today is National Thesaurus Day & it's been amazing…there's no other word for it.

Did my best ever time for finishing a Marathon earlier…sorry, they're Snickers now aren't they…

@proseccoscot.bsky.social Lovely to meet you. Did you enjoy the gig?

Facebook…where every 3rd post seems to be a joke about the distance to the Wetherspoons toilets 🤷‍♂️

I'll bet £100 I could beat anyone on here in a gondola race…that's got to be worth a punt…

All this stuff about Christiano Ronaldo being the self-proclaimed most complete footballer ever. How delusional & egotistical can you be? He's not even the best Ronaldo 🇧🇷

Started a group called The Gastric Band…we do Thin Lizzy covers…

A Huddersfield Town fan & nails it when it comes to Musk. What's not to love about @reecedinsdale.bsky.social 😊

In other news, Michelle Mone & her husband have set up a roofing business…

Whole family have been in the house all morning because of the weather warning…how the fuck did we survive lockdown 🤷‍♂️🤪

The guy who did the voice for Charlie Brown has been arrested for stalking.....doesn't that make him Snoopy?

I'm in charge of a group of vampire hunters…I've always been good at stakeholder management…

A tenner ⏺️👌🙂

Yep. When he dies…

…unless it's me doing a Nazi salute, TWICE, on live TV, then believe me when I say that didn't happen…

It's that day again…Platelet donation & Tunnock's Tea Cake Day🩸💉😊

Today is Squirrel Appreciation Day…the world's gone nuts…

Girlfriend asked me to draw her a bath…hope she likes it…

Duck autocorrect!