My Tinder profile 😊

Whoever did this, I salute you 🫡🤭

Today is National Thesaurus Day & it's been amazing…there's no other word for it.

Did my best ever time for finishing a Marathon earlier…sorry, they're Snickers now aren't they…

@proseccoscot.bsky.social Lovely to meet you. Did you enjoy the gig?

Facebook…where every 3rd post seems to be a joke about the distance to the Wetherspoons toilets 🤷‍♂️

I'll bet £100 I could beat anyone on here in a gondola race…that's got to be worth a punt…

All this stuff about Christiano Ronaldo being the self-proclaimed most complete footballer ever. How delusional & egotistical can you be? He's not even the best Ronaldo 🇧🇷

Started a group called The Gastric Band…we do Thin Lizzy covers…

A Huddersfield Town fan & nails it when it comes to Musk. What's not to love about @reecedinsdale.bsky.social 😊

In other news, Michelle Mone & her husband have set up a roofing business…

Whole family have been in the house all morning because of the weather warning…how the fuck did we survive lockdown 🤷‍♂️🤪

The guy who did the voice for Charlie Brown has been arrested for stalking.....doesn't that make him Snoopy?

I'm in charge of a group of vampire hunters…I've always been good at stakeholder management…

A tenner ⏺️👌🙂

Yep. When he dies…

…unless it's me doing a Nazi salute, TWICE, on live TV, then believe me when I say that didn't happen…

It's that day again…Platelet donation & Tunnock's Tea Cake Day🩸💉😊

Today is Squirrel Appreciation Day…the world's gone nuts…

Girlfriend asked me to draw her a bath…hope she likes it…

Duck autocorrect!

Just heard this again for the 1st time in years. If you were a teen in the 80s & didn't sing "solid as a cock" I don't think we can be friends 😊 open.spotify.com/track/4sr4Nd...

Interviewer: “Your CV says you’ve been to prison?” Me: “Sorry, that’s a mistake” Interviewer: “So you haven’t?” Me: “I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there”

Turns out free speech Champion & diamond class sycophant is only for freedom when it's a load of old shite from rich opportunists & she doesn't really like the truth…

My OnlyFans is just me baking bread & trying to make enough money to afford butter…

I was once in a fight with Jarvis Cocker to be the lead singer of a band…he beat me to a pulp…

Just bought my mate a boiler & half a dozen radiators…it's a house warming gift…

Do you think Musk's got pet insurance on Trump?

Just met 2 cowboys…lovely chaps.

Had worse days for a walk 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🌞 Now, for a go on the rope swing…I may require an ambulance shortly 🤷‍♂️🙂

Started a band called The Sock Puppets. We do Talking Heads covers.

Me: “People always mistake me for John Travolta” Psychiatrist: “Tell me more, tell me more”

Early morning walk along Croy Shore to Maidens beach & back via Culzean today. The view to Arran was stunning 😍🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🌞

Monty Python's Meaning of Life says it best… Try & be nice to people. Avoid eating fat. Read a good book every now & then. Get some walking in & try & live together in peace & harmony with people of all creeds & nations. Happy New Year & may 2025 bring you everything you want ❤️🥳🥂xx

It's nearly impossible to come up with a Michael Caine pun but not a lot of people know that.

Took my gran out for a meal earlier and she slept through the whole thing…that's the last time I take her to Nan Doze.

Me at the start of 2024/me at the end of 2024…

That time again 🩸💉… After the last few days, I'm not sure if I produced platelets or a couple of bags of Malbec 🍷🤷‍♂️ A wee belated Xmas gift too 😊

*Festive Who Wants To Be A Millionaire* "and your final question, for £1million, what day of the week is it?"…oh bollocks…

Saw a whole thread, arguing that being a barista isn't a career as it's a low skilled job. Apparently, the most low skilled job in 2025 will be the American Presidency, so leave baristas alone.

I think we should allow fox hunting as long as we can hunt the folk hunting the foxes at the same time…seems fair 🙂

My Grandad had a heart of gold. A nicer guy you'll never meet but always got stopped & searched at airport security.

54 years old & 6 pairs, so my happiness is off the scale 😊

If you're sitting at home, you hear a noise and the drink in your glass gets those ripples just like in Jurassic Park, don't worry, it's not a dinosaur......it's just me getting off the couch after everything I ate yesterday......

Ronan Keating's "You say it best, when you say nothing at all" is hailed as one of the best romantic songs around, but he's basically just telling his girlfriend to shut up.

Who'd have thought Mick would have the 2 best moments in Gavin & Stacey? Larry. Lamb. Legend.

Man City have recalled all their replica gear…the arse has fallen right out of them…

Quote of the day so far...."that aftershave is gorgeous. I can't smell it but you can tell by the bluey colour of the box" 🤷‍♂️😊

In just over 24 hours, I'll be able to get my Easter eggs…