BEAUTIFUL WOMAN: “Oh! I’m in a Dungeons & Dragons group, too. But we’re doing an official, prewritten adventure.” [FRASIER SCOFFS] FRASIER: “Prewritten! The storyteller’s crutch.” BEAUTIFUL WOMAN: “I’m the storyteller.” FRASIER: “… And what is a crutch if not a timeless and wonderful invention?”

NILES: “-and with that, I swing down and cleave the brigand’s skull!” [NILES ROLLS THE DIE] [SILENCE AS THE GROUP LEANS IN AND LOOKS AT THE RESULT] [NILES SITS] FRASIER: “Perhaps we should pivot to making our attack descriptions after the roll instead of before.” NILES: “If you wouldn’t mind.”

FRASIER: “Niles, get ahold of yourself, man! Your competitiveness is out of control; try to remember we are playing a game for-“ [NILES STANDS AND LOOSENS HIS TIE] NILES: “- for fun! I know that! I am having fun. In fact, I’m having more fun than any of you, so there, I win! Ha!”

FRASIER: “Dad, can you please get Eddie to get stop staring at me? It really is a bit much.” MARTIN: “He’s not staring; he’s glaring.” FRASIER: “Oh, what’s the difference?” MARTIN: “One happens when he finds you interesting. The other happens when you kill off his favorite NPC on game night.”

ROZ: “Niles, I’m not wasting one of my only spells! You’re fine.” NILES: “If you don’t help me out, I’m going to tell that man you’re seeing that you weren’t at yoga class tonight; you were playing Dungeons & Dragons.” ROZ: “You wouldn’t dare!” NILES: “I’ll show him your character’s backstory!”

FRASIER: “The orcs raise their axes high and demand blood.” NILES: “… I tell them I’m not here.” FRASIER: “I’m sorry?” NILES: “I argue that, philosophically, they cannot trust their own senses about me.“ FRASIER: “It’s a bit bold to place Descartes before the orcs, Niles.”

ROZ: “What about my character’s backstory, Fraz? Did you get a chance to look it over?” FRASIER: “Oh, yes. I’m quite familiar with Lady Chatterly’s Warlock Patron. Tell me, Roz, at what point did you forget for which genre of fantasy you were writing?”

MARTIN: “All right, if I have to have a backstory, here. You happy?” [HE HANDS THE PAPER TO FRASIER] FRASIER: “Once upon a time, Harold’s friend asked Harold if he wanted to go adventuring for gold. Harold looked at his bank statement and said ‘Sure’. Also, his family is dead.”

FRASIER: “Honestly, Niles! Why must you needle at every aspect of my story? It’s role play! Make believe! Or are you so devoid of whimsy that you’ve forgotten the concept?” NILES: “Oh, I know what make believe is. It’s when your radio callers refer to you as a psychiatrist!”

FRASIER: “I’m so glad you joined us again, Niles. After the loss of Graknokur, I thought you’d take a break.” NILES: “While it stung at first, I am back with more character than ever. Take a look!” [HE HANDS FRASIER A PAPER] FRASIER: “… Gräknokur?” NILES: “Note the umlaut.”

FRASIER: “Isn’t this exciting, dad? You’ve mastered the basics, earned some victories, and now leveling up allows you access to fresh possibilities!” MARTIN: “You know, it takes a special kind of person to think that the reward for learning rules is having to learn more rules.”

[As an experimental approach, please enjoy this long form moment]

MARTIN: “Why the hell’d you shoot the guard? You said you were going to use your charisma!” ROZ: “My spells are fueled by my charisma score!” MARTIN: “You couldn’t use it for a trick or something!?” ROZ: “I did! I used it to trick you into letting me kill him!”

FRASIER: “Shall we begin?” ROZ: “One sec.” [ROZ ROLLS DIFFERENT DICE, ONE AT A TIME] ROZ: “Nope. Nuh-uh. No way. Oh! Now that’s what mama likes! Ready.” FRASIER: ”You’re quite mad, aren’t you?” DAPHNE: “I’ll say. All that work and she chooses the die with the worst aura.”

[NILES WAVES THE PAPER ANGRILY] NILES: "The only reason we're losing this fight is that you wrote a page of new minotaur abilities!" FRASIER: "I knew it! I knew you peeked at my notes between sessions." NILES: "As if I needed to! I can recognize your bull sheet a mile away!"

NILES: “All I’m asking is one session as my homebrew class.” FRASIER: “Niles, this so-called Analyst concept isn’t even cohesive. Why would a student of psychology know counterattacks and spells like Wall of Force?” NILES: “Because he understands deflection and projection.”

NILES: “Legendary Actions!? This game is unbelievable. Your villain gets to act however he pleases, yet you have the gall to make me sit and wait my turn before I can even begin to unleash my Rage.” MARTIN: “Doesn’t look like that stopped you from getting a head start.”

[NILES OPENS THE GIFT BOX] NILES: “New dice for our games! Thank you, Frasier. You know, I’m not prone to superstition, but one can’t help but hope these are luckier than the last-“ [NILES ROLLS THE DICE AND STARES AT THEM] NILES: “Ah, well. There’s always next year.”

ROZ: "And what's wrong with playing a Warlock?" NILES: "It's just a tad self-deprecating. Choosing to be subservient to the one who gave you power is-" [NILES' PAGER BEEPS. HE CHECKS IT] NILES: "Frasier, may I use your phone? Maris needs me to argue with our gardener, Yoshi."

FRASIER: “Oh, just a peek. I’ve long wished for dad to be this excited about one of our hobbies.” [HE OPENS THE DELIVERY. THE ARTWORK IS UNMISTAKABLY MARTIN, SHIRTLESS, WITH FLOWING HAIR, HOLDING A SWORD] NILES: “On the bright side, your monkey’s paw has two more uses left.”

FRASIER: “I’ll remind everyone that this is a show about psychiatry, not games… On to our next call. Hello! You’re on the air with Frasier Crane.” CALLER: “Hi, Doctor Crane. It’s about my boss.” FRASIER: “Yes! Good! And what’s your boss’s name?” CALLER: “Alari Blooddrinker.”

[END CREDITS MUSIC PLAYS] [FRASIER LIFTS UP PAPERS ON THE TABLE, SEARCHING UNDER THEM IN FRUSTRATION] [HE STOPS AND VIEWS THE WHOLE ROOM, BEWILDERED] [HE KNEELS AND LOOKS UNDERNEATH THE TABLE] [HE STANDS AND EXITS] [CAMERA PANS TO EDDIE, HAPPILY HOLDING THE DIE IN HIS MOUTH]

DAPHNE: “I’m really quite impressed with you, Roz! Finally learning the names of all the characters.” ROZ: “Well, it’s not like I had a choice. Frasier here said he’d increase the armor of anyone I forgot.” FRASIER: “One does what one must for the sake of verisimilitude.”

BULLDOG: “Nah, Doc. I’m serious. Look, I wrote up my character’s stats and everything.” [HE HANDS FRASIER A PAPER] FRASIER: “Well, far be it from me to say ‘No’ to an adventurer. Let’s- Bulldog, what are these?” BULLDOG: “They’re stats, look: 38, 25, 37. Bam.” FRASIER: “No.”

FRASIER: “And so, learning the ruin’s secrets, you head home.” MARTIN: “Wait, that’s it? Where’s the treasure?” FRASIER: “Dad, please. You just had an incredible adventure. Are you really going to sully it over imaginary gold?” MARTIN: “You bet your real ass, I am! It’s mine!”

NILES: “Well, that’s absurd.” FRASIER: “I’m sorry, Niles, but your Barbarian’s Rage is all tapped out for this day.” NILE: “Just my luck. A whole fantasy world full of demons, fiends, and monstrosities… and me with the one Barbarian who remembers his deep breathing exercises.”

FRASIER: “How dare you have such flagrant disregard for my campaign!? I bared my entire soul with this setting!” NILES: “Oh, spare me! My support group for pathological liars yields better worldbuilding than this dreck.” FRASIER: “Get Out!”

NILES: “I stayed up all last night making a list of every item to buy. Every torch, every arrow. I even learned what a ‘piton’ is.” FRASIER: “Did you calculate whether you can carry all that?” [NILES PAUSES] NILES: “You know, Frasier, if you intend to scrutinize every detail-“

NILES: “I still say it was ridiculous and petty to describe my character’s actions so buffoonishly, simply because I rolled a one!” [DAPHNE ENTERS] FRASIER: “Would you lighten up, Niles? I think you’ll survive a single critical miss.” DAPHNE: “Oh, is Lilith coming to visit?”

FRASIER: “So, Delores, if your GM says faeries are stronger than orcs, then it is true in their story. Thanks for calling… I would now encourage my listeners, in their boundless imaginations, to imagine a world where people call a psychiatry show to actually discuss psychiatry”

[FRASIER AND NILES OPEN BOXES OF PEWTER FIGURINES, SHOWING THEM TO ONE ANOTHER] MARTIN: “You boys are really lucky. Somehow, the definition of cool shifted and now all this tabletop crap is in.” NILES: “Yes, it’s called the Hobbiton Window and we’re grateful for it every day.”

FRASIER: “Roz, I’m sorry. To cast a revive spell, you need 300 gold’s worth of diamonds. That’s only 50 gold’s worth.” ROZ: “Who the hell gets to decide that!? Here. Martin, how much would you pay for these diamonds?” MARTIN: “Say, those are real nice! Would 300 gold cover it?”

NILES: "To hell with it. I'm rolling to reason with the Sanguine Enchantress!" ROZ: "Niles, are you crazy!? With your charisma score, you'd need a 20 just to not die!" NILES [LOOSENING TIE]: "Roz, those are better odds than the Crane Boys have ever had with women before!"

NILES: "It's such a shame that Maris can't make it. She was so excited! She already filled out a character sheet." FRASIER: "Well, would you like at that! But say Niles? Her Constitution score is blank." NILES: "Yes, poor thing tired herself out writing all the other numbers."

FRASIER: “For God’s sakes, Roz. You can’t use Eldritch Blast as your solution to every problem.” ROZ [ROLLING DIE]: “Not every problem, just the ones that can die.”

ROZ: “I lean deeply over the counter and say in a sultry voice: ‘Are you sure there isn’t any way we can earn a discount for these items?’” [FRASIER ROLLS A DIE] FRASIER: “The shopkeep remains stoic and unimpressed.” ROZ [FLATLY]: “Okay, screw it. Eldritch Blast.” [SHE ROLLS]

[SCENE OPENS AT NIGHT. PHONE IS RINGING. FRASIER ENTERS, ANGRILY TYING HIS ROBE. HE PICKS UP THE PHONE.] FRASIER: “What now? …Yes, I accounted for partial cover. And your character’s rage. Oh, just accept your death with a bit of decorum, Niles. Some of us are trying to sleep!”

FRASIER: “You have no respect for the story I’m creating! I spent sleepless nights adding detail and nuance, only for you to upend everything with your maladroit chicanery!” NILES: “Oh, spare me. I’ve seen better worldbuilding in a child’s Lego set!” FRASIER: “How dare you.”

NILES: “Those are my natural ability scores! I’m telling you I rolled those.” FRASIER: “I’m telling you I don’t believe you.” NILES: “I cannot believe you don’t believe me!” FRASIER: “Oh, spare me. I don’t believe that disbelief for a second!” NILES: “You’re unbelievable!”

[END CREDITS MUSIC PLAYS] [DAPHNE IS TIDYING UP THE LIVING ROOM] [MARTIN IS PAINTING HIS TABLETOP FIGURINE WITH SEEMINGLY LITTLE INTEREST] [DAPHNE LEAVES ROOM] [MARTIN WATCHES HER LEAVE. HE THEN EXCITEDLY TALKS TO HIS FIGURINE] [DAPHNE RETURNS] [MARTIN RESUMES PAINTING]

FRASIER: "Dad, I asked you to fill in the section on character flaws and you wrote 'Bald'!" MARTIN: "What? It's relatable! He's very sensitive about it." FRASIER: "Yes, how many of Shakespeare's great character studies would have ended differently in the age of Rogaine..."

ROZ: "I cannot believe you didn't say my character's been flirting with a goblin!" FRASIER: "I introduced him as a goblin!" ROZ: "Well, I clearly didn't hear you!" FRASIER: "Then you might have hazarded a guess when you asked if he wanted kids and he said he'd already eaten!"

DAPHNE: “If we need this man to talk, I’m not taking any chances. I’m casting Entangle to bind him up by his wrists. Then, I’m pointing my Shillelagh at him and saying ‘You’re not leaving until I get what I want.’” NILES [STANDING]: “If you’ll excuse me-“ FRASIER: “Niles. Sit.”

MARTIN: “Okay, so I go into the tavern and I say ‘Hey, Barkeep. You got any quests for us?’” FRASIER: “Come now, dad. Where’s your theatricality? Your bombastic? I beg you, try that again with some aplomb.” MARTIN: “Hey, Barkeep. You got any quests for us? Hark. Verily.”

NILES: “With all these new stipulations and caveats, you’d think they’d call it the ‘Closed Game License’” [HE SMILES AT DAPHNE, WHO POLITELY NODS] FRASIER: “There. Now that you’ve tried that one with six different people, can you please just let it die?”

FRASIER: “This new so-called ‘Open Game License’ is a farce! I understand wanting to protect one’s brand, but to be so controlling while also lacking the self-awareness needed to- For the last time, dad, those coasters are only for dinner parties. These are the casual coasters.”

NILES: “I don’t see why you won’t let me roll intimidation. I’m a Barbarian. A terrifying brute! Also, I asked nicely.” FRASIER: “For one thing, you’re disarmed. For another, you’re surrounded. For a third, you’re bound and gagged.” NILES: “All right, with Disadvantage, then.”

FRASIER: “I couldn’t help but overhear that you play Dungeons And Dragons. I myself have become quite taken with the game as of late.” WOMAN [Brightly]: “Really?” FRASIER: “Yes! I mostly host, but I do have a Level 3 Wizard whom-“ WOMAN [Disappointed]: “Only 3?” [HE SPUTTERS]

FRASIER: “As Christmas is so close to game night, I was hoping you would all indulge me in a special holiday one-shot. Doesn’t that sound like fun?” NILES: “Frasier, we just finished your Halloween one-shot last week.” FRASIER: “It’s hardly my fault you kept fleeing the Hags.”

FRASIER: "You want to go south, are you sure? Northward is the city of Calliopin. You'll get to see its wondrous market places and awe-inspiring halls of worship. You'll get to see Novikov the Fourth's master plan." NILES: "Yes, but if we go south, I get to see you improvise."