Here we fucking go again. I just can’t beat capitalism. Maybe if this doesn’t work I’ll try rich people capitalism where you just take money and everything else sorts itself out as long as you take enough fast enough. Be on the lookout for lit from my cult if it comes to that. gofund.me/33decb3ef

I tell you what.

I’m not saying mass self emulation would be persuasive. What I’m saying is we should give strategic hugs to our dear leaders that they may not appreciate due to the warmth.

I took my prescription meds and a *checks notes* metric fuckton of caffeine ≈ 8 hours ago. At this point I’m just fighting to stay awake so that I don’t have to go back to dreaming. I feel like the positive connotation of “a dream” suggests not everyone has this relationship with their sleep movies.

After 2 weeks of doctors scratching their heads and saying “maybe see a neurologist?” the neurologist scratched their head and said “maybe get a sleep study done?” If the sleep specialist so much as moves their hand towards their hair I swear to god

I slept for roughly 30 hours…last day/night? I woke up in a pool of sweat. My hands were so pruned that any slight physical contact with anything was excruciatingly painful. When I stood up a huge pool of sweat poured out of my ear, which I immediately knew was infected. Urgent care confirmed.

Raytheon et al are sitting around watching viral videos of missiles from both sides like Paul Brown watching the Bengals and Browns play each other. Eyes welling up with pride, safes overflowing with cash, raging war boners, all the signature Paul Brown shit.

Is the song Landslide by noted cocaine enthusiast Stevie Nicks A. About cocaine Or B. About…I genuinely don’t believe there is another remotely serious option

Ok, hear me out a noodle shaped like a poodle! We could call it a Pnoodle! The P is silent.

“There is a shortage of perfect breasts in this world…” Ok, but, like, how are you measuring this? How many perfect bazongas are there supposed to be? What counts as a flawless fun bag? And maybe more importantly, how the fuck do you get on whatever task force evaluates and reports these things?

Sometimes, when I’m in a heated exchange with high stakes a pun or play on words, or occasionally a full fledged joke will pop into my head. Everytime, when that happens, I literally have to say it. You may win this argument. You may hate me. But later, when you’re alone, we both know you’ll chuckle

Salty and Thirsty are friends and I think that’s nice.

Catfishing is a weird term. You’re not fishing for or with cats. You are fishing for catfish. But we take the word and add “ing” and now it means doing the back half of the word to the whole word? Then hedgehogging should be keeping a hedgehog to yourself and peacocking should mean fucking a bird

I’m going to start a libertarian club on campus and slowly introduce measures to increase interdependence and communal responsibility and see how long it takes for the joke to hit and end the club. My guess is it’ll be after the regulations stopping us from opening chapters in middle schools.

I don’t know what the criteria is for a religion to be considered organized. It has to be more than writing things down, but also isn’t as much as having ideas put together in a way that makes sense. Maybe it has to do with hats? Or beards? Maybe it’s just not paying taxes and having a hangout spot?

As what basically amounts to a sentient cosmic fart, I feel qualified to make judgments about how other space dust blobs pass what they experience as time. And I have decided that if you like the way space is manipulated via waves that are processed as melodic sound differently than me you are wrong

Sword fighting seems cool but also really dangerous. I mean, what if you’re aiming your pee and you see the other guys dick and realize you’ve been bisexual your whole life and you fall in love and form a life together and then he breaks your heart and you experience unthinkable pain?

Most people don’t remember it correctly but I coined the term “Mandela effect” in some jokes a while back. Instead they have this collective false memory about some guy that died in prison in the 80s not actually dying then.

If there are just going to be power grabbing executive orders can we at least get one replacing cake with pie for birthdays? It won’t make up for the fascism, but at least it’ll stop the tyranny of an inferior dessert.

A lot of people will tell you that if you love someone you should set them free, but that’s only true if you think they love you back. I learned that the hard way and now I have an empty basement with chains hanging from the walls attached to nothing. Time to start over I guess.

Horseback riding is a rare combination of being historically bougie, symbolically snooty, potentially dangerous, and touching an animal while it poops.

No, you’re putting off more productive things by being on Bluesky. I’m staying connected to the world and being creative to enrich my mind. I’m putting off more productive things by playing phone games. This is just me taking a break from that.

The only reason more people don’t have raccoons as pets is that we collectively gave up. If we can turn wolves into Golden Retrievers, imagine how cute raccoon breeds could be after tens of thousands of years of effort. For shame humanity, for shame.

Why the fuck did they put Paris in France instead of New Mexico? The French already have baguettes and the good kind of kissing. The fuck does New Mexico have? Throw them a bone man.

I’ve been asked if I was stealing joke ideas from old Simpsons episodes on here. And Bluesky, I’m not going to lie to you.

When everything breaks your way and you get the things you want, all I ask is that you shut the fuck up about it. Just be happy in silence, I don’t need to be reminded that it’s possible for things to work out.

If rummy then also tequily, vodky, whisk…y-ee, Giny, and winey? Even better, if wine-o then whisky-o or whisko , gin-o, vodko or vodka-o, and tequila-o or tequilo, and rum-o. Ok, let’s say rummy and wine-o, they’re established. Then gin-o, and whisky-o, vokdy, and tequily. We did it! Go team!!!

Even if others in your life put you down and make you feel helpless, remember that in reality you’re capable of doing everything you need to do to live a happy life. So go ahead, be brave, trust yourself. Bet everything you have on one hand if blackjack. You got this!

If we have mastered nuts such that we can turn peanuts into butter and almonds into milk why can’t I buy buttercum milk at the Stater Bros?

Could you use the word in a sentence? Saying you don’t like a food is the fastest way to find out who in your life accepts that people can have different but still valid opinions and who lacks gastroempathy, which should be a red flag that they may only be able to value themselves. Gastroempathy.

Sometimes when a man loves another man and they share everything it turns out that one man’s trash is also another man’s trash. There are birds and bees at the landfill too.

Man, wishing cable would go away and we could just pick the channels we wanted really did turn out to be some monkey paw shit.

If I was granted one wash with a power washer, I’d wash for more washes.

I’ll never not be angry about some things. Like, be all things or no things, fucking commit.

From my point of view it is mostly the Jedi who usually deal in absolutes.

Normalize freaking out, curling up in a ball on the ground, crying loudly, and screaming the ways you’ll punish those that have wronged you. Just until you feel better though, it should still be weird to drag it out.

I like the word kiosk, but it’s attached to such a dumb item and I feel like it’s too late to switch it to something cooler. Please join me in a moment of silence for the potential of the word kiosk. Thank you.

In the Danny Brown song Grown Up he claims to be “hotter than a hot pocket out the devil’s microwave.” Does the devil have a microwave that makes things extra hot? Does he generally have things that are extra good at what they do, as long as they punish souls more? Why would that be? In this thread

When I go shopping I end up buying things I can just heat and eat. I buy very few things you could categorize as “ingredients.” Unless condiments count. Anyway, I need to run, my stomach has been upset for a few months now, not sure why.

Update: I forgot to post the first part of this joke.

I’m watching a movie with my daughter that she loves and has seen many times before. It’s like watching the DVD commentary if the people doing it were super excited to do it and kept insisting that you stop being on Bluesky and watch every few seconds. It’s great.

I just called a friend and preemptively canceled plans we hadn’t made yet. Gotta try and stay one step ahead of my anxiety.

I don’t need a therapist, I’ll just tell the internet my problems and follow all the advice. Even, no, especially the advice that contradicts the other advice. It won’t be healthy, but at least it will jibe with the reality I mostly live in.

I’m so far behind on listening to my favorite improv comedy podcasts that I’ve begun to doubt how much I’m even committed to being a middle aged white guy.

They say write what you know, which is what I know, which is why I wrote it.

I found a book today called the righteous path of the Mangi One, by someone calling themself Mario’s bro. Anyway, it’s got some very interesting ideas about political action and individual empowerment and all kinds of stuff. So far 10/10, highly recommend.

Can a man survive on hot pockets and energy drinks alone? What if he has a buddy? I’ll have the answer to one of these questions shortly.

Have you heard the news? Oh, it’s terrible. Shitty reporting, catastrophic events, just a shit-show through and through. Terrible, terrible news 24/7.

Having been away from this app for a good little bit, I’d like to assure all of you that I haven’t grown or changed as a person. I’ll have more dick jokes shortly. More short dick jokes I’ll have. Dick, more shortly I’ll have jokes. See, same nonsense, just more gray in my beard. Dicks.

Having trouble posting jokes because of technical issues. Technically I’ve been lazy.