Proud to announce that I’m starting a task force to find out if I’m cool as hell.

I was hoping you’d come out with a barrel grip jigsaw but I guess I can smell like a tool instead.

Gary Burghoff’s twitter was under appreciated.

Correction: no one missed them

“Look, I spend a lot of money with you guys so my ads should be the first thing people see!”

Called ICE on my neighbor’s French bulldog for going “oui oui” on my lawn.

Imagine being typecast as a guy that sees a crime go.

laugh it up, pal but just because the “D” stands for dipshit doesn’t prevent it from being 4D chess

[pitching my book idea to a publisher] …it’s basically autobiographical about all my adventures, it’s kind of like Forrest Gump if the protagonist was really dumb

Still haven’t figured out what it means I see.

Posted this picture on twitter several years ago so if you think about, I kind of got the ball rolling

The mayor keeps trying to give me a medal for volunteering at the senior center. Buddy, I’m no hero, I just love teaching grandmothers how to wait until they’re in the store exit to start putting change in their purses.

“Damn.” - the guy that came up with PokémonGo to the polls while watching the a.i. lego videos

Just saw the opening scene of some shitty movie and there was someone I immediately thought was cast as a “Phillip J. Holman type.” I know the name is wrong but I can’t pull the correct one on 4 hours sleep. Who am I thinking of?

That Cocoon thing but for how old someone was when the last guy from the civil war died: “Dick Van Dyke was 31 years old when whatever that guy’s name was died.”

Lots of real downers on here today but I prefer to look on the bright side and see this as an opportunity to wag my finger and say, “ummm, what was that you were chanting, tiki torch guys from a decade ago?” Check. And. Mate.

Butter hit the marketing jackpot by being so close to “better” but, oh man, curds really got screwed.

are there any attorneys here who can tell me if it was legal for my high school to retroactively replace my class photo with this?

My six year old niece prank called me this morning and now I’m removing my sister from my will for raising a damned liar.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to start rolling coal.

Pretty cool that sci-fi writers tried to be all like, “my work of fiction will serve as a warning to people because it is actually an allegory,” and instead a bunch of nerds made our lives miserable because their takeaway was “let’s do all that stuff!”

How about one of those movies that follows multiple stories that all take place on the same day and it’s on 9/11 but it’s all about various people that live in Iowa trying to decide whether to go through with different kinds of surprise parties they’ve been planning for months.

In high school I went fishing with a friend and his dad. The raggedy rope broke when they launched the boat and it started floating away. My friend started jumping up and down screaming, “get it! get it!” I swam out to it and spent the rest of the day in wet jeans. So I get it, Germany.

The last time I went to a movie theater I tried to hand the guy a fandango gift card someone gave me and he said I had to do it on my phone. I gave up trying to create an account and just paid cash. We saw Rogue One and I still have that gift card because I haven’t been back to the movies since.

1997 me: “oh man, this Ally McBeal show is very important!” 2026 me watching the Ally McBeal box set I got for Christmas: “oh man, this Ally McBeal show is very important!”

I’m going to start doing those 3 hour videos for people to fall asleep to that is just every story my mom tells me about going to the grocery store.

Still wild to me that anyone thought Charlie Sheen was cool during the sitcom era.

Nextdoor rules!

Attention dorks that still think ugly sweater parties are hilarious: up your game!

Sitting next to a woman that has played videos on her phone at full volume, randomly mumbled “oh jesus” to things she’s reading, and is currently belching after eating part of the hamburger she cut in half.

my sister may be a hacker because the wikihow page on how to tell whether you’re spreading cheer or just being annoying is suddenly missing.

This year I’m rebranding the lonely bleak existence I feel as I listlessly move room to room wondering where it all went wrong as Myself on a Shelf™️. That’s the power of positive thinking!

My primitive brain: we should have a day to just fuck off and eat Conscious brain: dude, thanksgiving JUST happened Primitive brain: that’s some old shit I’m hungry now

…sort ofh indeed

Oh hell yes! They finally came out with the unrated version of this that’s PG-13 so my kids can watch it

Look out celebs, the ass might get humiliated out of you

“Hi, I’m the guy that said everyone is leaving a city I don’t live in because it’s a cesspool and a war zone due to the socialist policies of the mayor. Well I’m here today to endorse that same mayor because I’m concerned that city I don’t live in will become a cesspool and war zone.”

I’m beta testing the new GTA and it’s realistic as hell. I’m in self-driving mode and it feels exactly like I’m just sitting here on my phone.

Be careful what you name your child because it will shape what they eventually become. Look no further than Gary Oldman.

Without looking it up to see if it exists suggest, here’s a kickass idea: A full sized, 80’s era boombox that’s loud as shit and instead of cassettes you put your phone in a little door while it displays video of a Maxell XL II labeled “Last Dragon soundtrack.” Will NOT charge your phone.

Hey mom, these… these are… Halloween decorations? “Oh yes, a nice young man named Nick Mullen was selling them door to door.”

Just heard a 50-something year old man ask for a cup of beer. Fuckin’ millennials.

What’s something funny I could post on here?

I’m not blocking anything because I want one of those low budget news channels to have to show a post in which I claim I can prove the president’s dick is just a cardboard cutout

See soy boys, fill up on that lady sauce and your bones will break to death

I was on a bit of a tool buying streak when I was catching deals on clearance items or bogo promotions but post tariffs the sale price is what the normal price was last year. I guess it’s a small price to pay to bring jobs to the next impoverished country near shipping lanes.

Look out dipshits, my posts are about to be championship level!

It’s pretty unfair to point fingers at all the comics that participated in an event you disagree with when you have no idea what it’s like to finally be rich enough to call up your bros from high school and give them an honest answer to how much it would take for you to suck a dick.

Leno: “Here’th thomethin, have you theen thith new commerthial for the medical devithe that promitheth to make you thtronger while you thleep?” Audience: “Noooo! We only watch streaming services!” Leno: “Well thith ith on YouTube.” Audience: “It must be specific to your algorithm!”

Remember when everyone freaked out about car size drones over Jersey then the troops flew a helicopter into a plane and everyone was like “fuck them drones.”