my sister may be a hacker because the wikihow page on how to tell whether you’re spreading cheer or just being annoying is suddenly missing.

This year I’m rebranding the lonely bleak existence I feel as I listlessly move room to room wondering where it all went wrong as Myself on a Shelf™️. That’s the power of positive thinking!

My primitive brain: we should have a day to just fuck off and eat Conscious brain: dude, thanksgiving JUST happened Primitive brain: that’s some old shit I’m hungry now

…sort ofh indeed

Oh hell yes! They finally came out with the unrated version of this that’s PG-13 so my kids can watch it

Look out celebs, the ass might get humiliated out of you

“Hi, I’m the guy that said everyone is leaving a city I don’t live in because it’s a cesspool and a war zone due to the socialist policies of the mayor. Well I’m here today to endorse that same mayor because I’m concerned that city I don’t live in will become a cesspool and war zone.”

I’m beta testing the new GTA and it’s realistic as hell. I’m in self-driving mode and it feels exactly like I’m just sitting here on my phone.

Be careful what you name your child because it will shape what they eventually become. Look no further than Gary Oldman.

Without looking it up to see if it exists suggest, here’s a kickass idea: A full sized, 80’s era boombox that’s loud as shit and instead of cassettes you put your phone in a little door while it displays video of a Maxell XL II labeled “Last Dragon soundtrack.” Will NOT charge your phone.

Hey mom, these… these are… Halloween decorations? “Oh yes, a nice young man named Nick Mullen was selling them door to door.”

Just heard a 50-something year old man ask for a cup of beer. Fuckin’ millennials.

What’s something funny I could post on here?

I’m not blocking anything because I want one of those low budget news channels to have to show a post in which I claim I can prove the president’s dick is just a cardboard cutout

See soy boys, fill up on that lady sauce and your bones will break to death

I was on a bit of a tool buying streak when I was catching deals on clearance items or bogo promotions but post tariffs the sale price is what the normal price was last year. I guess it’s a small price to pay to bring jobs to the next impoverished country near shipping lanes.

Look out dipshits, my posts are about to be championship level!

It’s pretty unfair to point fingers at all the comics that participated in an event you disagree with when you have no idea what it’s like to finally be rich enough to call up your bros from high school and give them an honest answer to how much it would take for you to suck a dick.

Leno: “Here’th thomethin, have you theen thith new commerthial for the medical devithe that promitheth to make you thtronger while you thleep?” Audience: “Noooo! We only watch streaming services!” Leno: “Well thith ith on YouTube.” Audience: “It must be specific to your algorithm!”

Remember when everyone freaked out about car size drones over Jersey then the troops flew a helicopter into a plane and everyone was like “fuck them drones.”

Comic as guest on podcast: “Oh man, people are the worst. Ever have to sit on a long flight next to some stupid idiot? I just sit in my hotel room because the only bar in town is full of shitty mouth breathers.” Comic promoting their new podcast: “I’m a curious person. I find people fascinating.”

It’s nice to finally have a president that actually cares about our health. We should all walk up escalators with bigass ankle weights.

I feel like we should start pointing out the hypocrisy of the current administration. Also we should note anything that is technically illegal so everyone will know and get mad about it. Once that happens the REAL police will swoop in and arrest them for the crime of being wrong about everything.

Superduper long covid side effects include thinking it’s cool to let some doofus broadcast from his bonus room with a certificate of achievement in the background while speaking as an expert

Pour one out.

Everyone please stop texting me I’m already on page three of a Cocaine Capybara script.

“A what? A podcaster?” - Herman Cain’s family

Came home to find something dangling from my bird feeder and as I got closer realized it was a wren that got its leg stuck in a hole between the perches. I was able to get him free but he flew off like an asshole instead of landing on my shoulder so I could look cool.

HOT TAKE CORNER: I’m still seeing fat kids so it wasn’t the happy meals. Bring ‘em back!

I get more engagement on this other app I use sometimes.

Passed an Arby’s that had “Italian is back” on its sign and thought “man, I wish nick mullen could see this.”

RIP Ray Dolby, inventor of Dolby noise reduction and father of Tom (but not the shitty valor-stealing “she blinded me with science” asshole) Dolby. Raise a glass to a tape hiss reduction hero!

Just found out they tried to run a “controversial” ad campaign back in ’16 to distract from a class action lawsuit and from what I can tell it didn’t work. Sorry mascot guy.

Great news! I finally found a mentor and he’s brilliant.

If there is any silver lining to AI it’s that Jerry Seinfeld can finally find out the deal of things instead of asking us to put up with his ignorance.

My new improv character (improvised character) is “the backing in guy” who insists on backing his car or himself into any space no matter how long it takes and how many people it inconveniences.

Can’t believe my first paid writing gig got “edited for time”

Think the comics going to that big festival are going to tell each other “bone saw a leg out there” before they go on stage?

Guy at the bar: Yeah man, back in college everybody called me the beer disposal unit. Me: That’s cool. I forget what they used to call me.

OooOooo, it’s sooo scary that the troops are in the streets. Grow up! What about the benefits like not having to do that “thank you for your service” bullshit anymore? Plus, all those people mad about government overreach at Ruby Ridge and Waco are bound to come to the rescue any minute now.

Four days ago I was thinking of posting something about how deflated the first guy to use “nothingburger” must have felt after it fell off for being too lame and now this dipshit tries to roll it back out.

Subway really is the appropriate edible projectile. 1) great density 2) not fit for consumption 3) symbolic representation of famous pedo

“Nuh uh, you do it!” - Patrick Swayze in Point Break when Keanu Reeves tells him to pull the chute as they hurdle toward their demise.

Can’t believe they sent the fbi into to the streets of dc to find a cool spot to bury the Epstein files.

Listening to the “Bedtime for Bonzo” podcast where the guests talk about their favorite (and not so favorite) mattresses, but it’s annoying how many ads there are for comedy specials.

Every guitarist auditioning for my metal band, Devilbetes, must play with the alternate tuning of E-B-B-D-F-A because every bad boy deserves fudge also.

Can’t believe this guy keeps impeaching himself… ooh boy is he going to be surprised when he looks back at all the norms he violated. How’s all that egg feel on your face, pal?

Imagine having to go around hock tuahing for minimum wage at agricultural trade shows. Such a fall from grace.

Pilot? FedEx employee? Train conductor? Cargo ship captain? Shrimp boat captain? Radio FLYER! Please stop telling me Tom Hanks should not have been the transporter.

Mushing this in the face of the guy at the bar last year that said, “…uh actually it will create more jobs because somebody will have to build the robots”