If a guy says he makes "six figures" it means 85K pre-tax plus some gift cards from his parents, so rounding up that's pretty much six figures.

Yes, that is my purse. My grandma passed away 9 years ago, but I still want Werther's Originals when I'm in church.

"TikTok? You mean the Chinese spyware app?" - your uncle, on Facebook, from his iPhone, in a McDonald's, on public WiFi, immediately after signing up for a Triangle rewards card

If you can't handle me at my Magikarp, you don't deserve me at my Gyarados.

"We throw away enough food to feed those who are hungry. A win for capitalism is a loss for humanity." - a dog watching a McDonald's employee clean up a puddle of barf

The only thing more heartwarming than baby laughter is mans-laughter.

I'll never forgive humans for what they did to the thylacine.

There aren't enough monotremes.

I was talking to everyone that knows you, and they'd like you to stop.

I just did pee at the Poo Festival, and people are so mad. But I guess I've always gone against the grain, taken the road less traveled, been a bit of a maverick.

I am not going to sit here and pretend that Mavis Beacon isn't a baddie.

My New Years Resolution is to finish my sexy Wario Land 3 fan fiction.

Hello, it's me, Michael Mouse. These are my friends, Humorous Dog and Angry Bird.

MANDELA EFFECT: Rosa Parks was NOT an unlockable character in Smash Bros. Melee.

"There's gonna be hot babes at the party." - Nostradamus (age 19)

I can already tell that 2025 is going to be one of those years where people do things and stuff happens. Mark my words.

My New Years Resolution is to defeat Kony 2012.

Worms, huh, yeah What are they good for? Aerating your garden Say it again, y'all Worms, huh (good god) What are they good for? Water infiltration

Normalize screaming in the woods.

This might seem strange, but if you write "could of" I think that you should be beaten with a hammer.

What fields are you guys frolicking in these days?

"I've earned a lil treat." - a pigeon about to eat a cigarette out of a puddle of Dr. Pepper

My New Years Resolution is to stop killing myself in Banjo-Kazooie just so I can see Hot Gruntilda.

Your Dad: nobody had autism when I was a kid. Also Your Dad: rearranges tools in the garage for 3 hours so that he doesn't have to speak to company.

Your Dad: young people are so sensitive these days. Also Your Dad: STOP CALLING MY FAVORITE BILLIONAIRE STUPID.

Banks HATE this financial hack: use their bathroom and steal all their toilet paper.

MANDELA EFFECT: Gandhi never actually said, "she thicker than cold peanut butter."

I will gladly participate in an activity, but you will NEVER see me at the function.

You have to eat 17 servings of Cinnamon Toast Crunch in order to get your daily recommended intake of phosphorus. This is unsustainable.

"Let's go get stomped to death." - worms when it's raining

"This could have been an email." - me at the Gettysburg address

How can you be in meetings all day when we still don't know where eels come from?

So it's actually not illegal to pour acid on someone playing music without headphones on the train.

I can tolerate tomfoolery. I can deal with hijinks. I can handle shenanigans. But japes? Keep your japes to yourself.

(Mickey Mouse if he was the President of the USA) "It's time for the mystery Mouseketool!" *drops 5000 M118s on North Korea*

My favorite Star Wars guy has got to be that podracer, Benjamin the Portuguese rectangle.

Oh shoot oh frick oh no I didn't exercise for 15 years.

Stephen Hawking was well into his 20s when he became wheelchair-bound. You're not too old to do something memorable.

What kinda crackers are you guys eating these days?

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a pond instead of a well. He becomes Algae-Man — forming a green film over the criminals of Gotham City.

Don't ask me if I've read any good books recently. If I have read a book, I will let you know.

(me on a first date) "Can I kiss you?" (my English teacher hiding in the bushes) "I don't know — CAN you?"

Albert Einstein was 56 when he invented science. Neil Armstrong was 41 when he discovered space. Neil Degrasse Tyson was 45 when he discovered Black space. You're not too old to start a new career.

"Danger is my middle name." - Michael Danger Simmons

Every high school has that one guy who's actually just a lot of ants in the shape of a guy.

Some people really witness the miracle of childbirth and then say, "Let's name him Kyle."