Someone asked me for pico de gallo yesterday. I gave them one trillionth of a tomato.🍅

Today I spent $80. Here’s a complete list of my purchases: - 4.5 gallons of gas - an energy drink - one burger and two medium fries from McDonald’s. My last paycheck was $350. Fuck you and your elitist ballroom, you fascist, self aggrandizing, greedy fuck.

I really can’t dance, but I can imagine some great choreography.

Me, sending my daughter is about to bite me: please don’t bite me.

Me: aw, man! I slept in till almost 8, that’s amazing! DST: No, you lazy fuck.

Asking your neighbor if you can go into their back yard to get your ball back hits different when you’re 29.

For what it’s worth, I probably couldn’t bench as much as Pete Hegseth, but I’m also not gonna walk into a room of military generals and call them fat.

Me: this administration is corrupt. Republican: BUT ALL OF THE PAST ADMINISTRATIONS WERE CORRUPT!! me: … yeah, and?

Nurses are the backbone of our health care system. Congratulations to the 15,000 New York City nurses in their victory for patient care. After striking for 41 days, nurses won fair staff ratios and importantly, for the first time, guaranteed protections against AI in hospitals.

Eminem: Hey, kids, do you like violence? Me: I really don’t, but I was raised in a society that not only allows, but encourages and idolizes it, so I too must unwillingly be a part of it. Carry on with the nails.

I have been trained in flatulence. I had a very good tooter.

As a father, Seeing photos from the Epstein files makes me feel a degree of murderous rage I cannot describe.

Met a potentially violent criminal immigrant today. He sold me some fruit. 🍉

One time when I was in a play in highschool I missed one of my lines because I was zoned out. I think of it today and still feel kinda embarrassed. It’s a good thing I didn’t shoot someone in the back of the neck four times. That would be REALLY embarrassing.

Spoiler alert for anyone reading a history book: things are not going well.

Sorry I stayed silent about Obama. I was 11 years old

Do you think if we just give him the peace prize he’ll go away?

NOTICE: Democrats, when someone criticizes Barrack Obama for his ruthless immigration policy, you aren’t required to defend him. “Well Obama deported more immigrants than Trump” You’re damn right he did and I’m fucking outraged about it. This needs to fucking end

Trump: “we’re taking Greenland” The American People: “wait, aren’t you a pedophile?”

JD Vance “she was part of a broader left wing network…” Bro, she was going home from dropping her 6 year old child off at school. Be quiet, you insufferable pest.

I heard someone online say, “this started with the unaliving of Renee Good” …. It was fucking murder. Call it what it is.

i SAID ask the dumb hottie, a masked pump-shotty, somebody stop me, hardly come sloppy on a restarted hard copy he departed in a jalopy, the droptop papi known as the grimy limey, slimy, try me blimey, simply smashing in a fashion that's timely, madvillain dashing in a beat-rhyme crime spree bitch

Bitch boy said what?

I wouldn’t trust most ICE agents with fucking cap guns, who the hell gave these incels with the brain capacity of a pile of wet cardboard permission to hold actual firearms?

Administration be like, “she believed something contrary to our propaganda, she deserved to be shot.”

So is the administration still trying to defend the actions of the Gestapo shooting an unarmed civilian in the fucking face, or have we moved on to the “pretend it didn’t happen” phase?

My buddy just got banned from Bluesky for saying something critical of a nazi murderer (I.E. ICE). Free speech ain’t feeling so free. @bsky.app 🤔

I don’t think people make fun of RFK Jr’s voice enough. Sounds like a dial up modem trying to read a book.

Audiobooks are great, I just wish they came with subtitles.

It’s not about drugs. If it was, Trump wouldn’t have pardoned one of the largest narco traffickers in the world last month. It’s about oil and regime change. And they need a trial now to pretend that it isn’t. Especially to distract from his sinking under Epstein and skyrocketing healthcare costs.

Wait, did I miss it?

Axolotl /eh-ku-wa-tu/

Being able to swear is cool and all, but nothing hits quite like a string of “**** you ***** *** ************” in chat.

I truly don’t give a shit about Bill Clinton tbh. 🤷🏻‍♂️

What???? Trump is in the files?? Like confirmed?? Huh, okay.

My dad sent this to me today

There is a master race, and it is bisexuals.

Donald Trump talks like a patient that I’ve dropped off at the ER and apologized to the staff that they have to deal with him.

Htsi noe’s rfo my dsxyleic hmoies.

I think the revolution should be televised.

Artificial intelligence has me organically scared

Manic? Pfft, more like: man, ick 🤢

I wonder what it’s like for colorblind people knowing we have a president with pink hair.

The sequel to Ratatouille should be called Ratathreeouille

Might fuck around and do some seditious stuff. Hopefully the president doesn’t threaten to hang me.

Kash Patel is what would happen if Tom Haverford from Parks and Rec became the Director of the FBI. Only he’s a real piece of shit, as opposed to a fictional one.

Make no mistake, the Biden admnistration should have relentlessly outed every single person engaged in pedophilia and sex trafficking, but unfortunately we’re not dealing with the Biden administration anymore. Instead we’re dealing with the pedo sex-traffickers best friends’ administration.

I stand in solidarity with the Starbucks workers on strike. When a corporation can pay $96 million to its CEO for just four months of work, it can afford to pay its workers a living wage and decent benefits.