So I’ve been working on a goal to be in LESS pain for about a month, decreasing (supposedly) my workout schedule. But somehow last week I went up to 800! intensity minutes of exercise for the week. How did this happen? I don’t understand.

Visited a pumpkin patch and had a hay ride.

Today going to work, I tried to imagine the halls lined with coworkers, cheering for my success. It helped a little.

How many therapists do you have? I have a special autism therapist I see more rarely, and a regular one for normal human stuff. Is that normal?

BTW, the pumpkin spice boba tea was FIRE! I had it hot!

oooh. Bookmarking this! "How to turn off AI tools in Apple, Google, Microsoft, and more." Step-by-step instructions from Consumer Reports.

Damn! I forgot to do the one thing I really needed to do on my day off!

My kid sent me a fall care package with: Pumpkin spice boba tea Pumpkin spice cupcake soap (homemade) Reese’s pumpkins Thriller book Halloween socks I feel loved and cared for

I truly struggle to read sarcasm or joking. Even on faces, but especially via text alone.

That was a COLD bike this morning at 43 with rain. Nice bath after tho!

Is it possible to die from taking too many phone calls?

Is it time to buy more yarn? Yes, obviously. It is always time for more yarn, no matter how much you already have.

It’s tax filing deadline. That means I get yelled at, threatened to be fired, and told I am incompetent because people left things too late. Your daily reminder not to be nasty to customer service people you want to do extra to help you out of a pickle.

Apparently Facebook sent me $32 for violating my privacy. So glad for this piece of justice.

I miss a handful of people I wish lived closer to me. I tell them this. Sometimes. It’s not aggressive. Just love.

I’m coming to accept (slowly) that my job as a parent of adult children is to create occasions for them to talk safely with each other and without my participation.

I’m working on being the “cool Halloween lady.” After many years of my kids complaining I don’t give out candy, kids these days seem to love temporary tattooed and light up rings and necklaces. I have candy as a backup.

Trying to figure out why I’m sleeping so much better lately. Yoga is a big change. Is yoga making me not need to pee? Or is not peeing a side effect of sleeping better?

My mom asked me how I was doing after my hysterectomy and I had totally forgotten about it. I did say, well, I may not be doing any races. Mom: well, that’s good because those were always bad for you. That’s my mom, honest to a fault. She might not be wrong.

Thinking today about the very orthodox Mormon who said to me twenty years ago “we worship God, not the family,” and wondering how/if she holds onto this today.

I have come to the conclusion that I am in an echo chamber and need to do a better job of seeing the other side. This doesn’t mean I think what is going on is ok.

At around age 11, I passed for 17/18. At 18, same. At 27, same. I loved being seen as older and hated being seen as younger.

My fitness app informs me I lifted 17,200 pounds today. That sounds like a lot.

Therapist reminding me (along with my boss): you were picked for this pilot because you are a rock star and the company wants to hear feedback on how this might work in the best-case scenario. They are very far from wanting to fire you if you mess up. Phew!

Tried lychee curry at Thai place yesterday, it was good.

My mom literally complained today that she only had 50 grandchildren because President Nelson had so many more and she was apparently mad I only had 6 (and one of those died).

I only toyed with quitting twice yesterday, which is much better than Monday or Tuesday. Today was my day off but still wishing I didn’t have to go back. Ever.

Did a full bedtime routine with grandbaby last night: stories, bath, singing. First time he has paid attention to a book (10 weeks). Still didn’t want to sleep in crib alone. Sigh.

It’s always weird when I encounter someone who used to be a devout Mormon, sometimes even those who tried to reconvert me recently, who have now also left. Sisters!! We do a secret handshake!

A couple coworkers saying today that they knew that *I* would give 100% honest feedback on this work pilot. Which feels like a criticism but isn’t even true. I am actually not saying everything I think. Because work fave and not sure I want to quit yet.

I hear religious people talk about faith being a “choice.” I don’t think this is really true, at least not on a binary level. You can choose to lean in or lean out, but sometimes you are shaken by trauma and healing the faith part may not be possible. Healthily.

Random dude emails me to ask if he can chat with me about autism. And yeah, I should say sure. But I won’t because of, shrug, men.

I went running today for the first time in a month. It was . . . not terrible. 3/10 Might try again

we have a rule at our house that if it is past 9pm and you are having feelings, the only thing you are allowed to do is have a snack and go to bed, so anyway, I will be having a snack and going to bed!!

I don’t know what loneliness is. Because being around most other people makes my aloneness worse because I have to mask. To me, what I crave desperately is space to connect with safe people as myself. What is this called?

I do think that the ExMos who can “leave the church alone” are happier. I don’t think it makes them better. For most of us, it’s a point in the future.

Mentioned Dave Ramsey at work. Coworker: people still listen to Dave Ramsey? This is the equivalent of saying, “OK, Boomer,” right?

Tempted to write a book MORMON MAFIA about the church’s methods of harming those who criticize, particularly within but even those who have left by poisoning family members and ruining financial lives. Too scared now but someday maybe?

Told co-workers I was spending the weekend on my “side-gig.” They had forgotten I am a published author who just works as a security trader as my day job haha!

Really trying to grapple with my own perfectionism. I used to think I wasn’t perfectionist. I don’t require perfection of myself. Just an insane level of effort. And I find it almost impossible to say “I did my best.” So repeating that today. I did my best. I can’t remember ever not doing so.

Considering giving up coffee. Purely because of cost.

I came home frustrated with work today so I’m spending a few night hours with baby. That is guaranteed to make me happier. At least my work matters to him.

Me, thinking about how to explain that my dad was the Forrest Gump of early computing. And also that he was horribly physically abusive to his 11 children. Humans are complex, y’all. I do not say it glibly. I cannot explain how my dad was many things to many others.

Considering the pros and cons of quitting my job end of day. So that’s how things are going in the new pilot.

Trying to find a place to cry at my work today. Retraining project is NOT going well.

A woman at work often compliments my clothes and today said, “you always look so cute.” Can I somehow send this message back to high school me? She wanted to wear quirky stuff but got so much nasty feedback she started wearing only neutral basic stuff.

I am once again in a work meeting where the ratio of men to women is 7-1. I am pretty sure the women notice this keenly and the men do NOT.

Planning to do a final open water swim this first day of October in northern Utah.

Books with Autistic characters written by Autistic authors (adult fiction). Published September 2025. A Special Interest in Murder by @mettemarieivie.bsky.social You Weren’t Meant to Be Human by @ajwhiteauthor.bsky.social F*ck this Murder by @elizabethlquant.bsky.social and @signeland.bsky.social

Can I retire? I ask myself this pretty regularly. Not because I hate my job. But grandbaby is damned cute!