I should try messaging them again I miss them

I feel somewhat stable again but god if I’m not sitting here wondering if I had any meaningful impact or am missed as much as they are to me

Whatever worth I had as a person has clearly been used up because no one gives a fuck about me anymore

No one would notice if I left I offer nothing to this world

Absolutely do not like friend break ups though holy shit my ex fiancée telling me it was over somehow was easier to get over then this whole mess

I just really miss Ki I’m not gonna lie I still catch myself finding memes and other reminders n stuff to send to them and having to stop myself and then not get in my head about it

Just once I want to be able to tell someone they accidentally hurt me and they don’t react by - yelling at me it’s my fault - leaving me - yelling at me and then leaving anyways

I can tell medication’s working at least a little because I’m apathetic/able to do other things finally but god I wish it could bring back my sense of identity and comfort in ‘being me’

I hate all of them. They all lied to me and aren’t worth the fucking effort. I hope they choke

Psych appointment early tomorrow morning and I have so much dread Either they tell me I’m full of shit and I don’t get help/am just a bitch or they do and now I have the “will snap at you eventually because I can never have enough attention” disease and that’ll just excuse my shitty actions!!

The more I google the more I’m convinced I probably suffer from quiet BPD, only symptom I /don’t/ have is self harm/risk taking Idk if it’s worth bringing up to my psych/getting a diagnosis though. I can’t really afford therapy and I don’t think it can be medicated so What’s The Point

I feel insane. I want to improve I want to patch things up I want to heal and move on but how can I do that when not given a chance. I say I’m not being given a chance and I’m told I shouldn’t have messed up. I accept that fuck up and say alright it’s been nice, now I should give them a chance

The biggest thing I think that hurts me from all this is it really feels like people only wanted to work on it or move on /after/ I set the boundary. Not when I was admittedly falling on myself to fix it