A library in every primary school? Facile attempt to grab headlines and a foolish waste of taxpayers’ money. Your money. My money. Even the most cursory analysis shows that poor people don’t need books. They need skills. Plumbing. Toilet cleaning. Sex work. www.theguardian.com/politics/202...

I supported Boris Johnson and my old friend Dominic Cummings when the time was right for me to do so. And now a new force is rising. This proves that I am right to follow the excellent leadership of Mr Farage. news.sky.com/story/nigel-...

You need to read this immediately. "What we're trying to do is to ensure that many of those people who have come into this country in recent years will have to leave voluntarily”. Many patriots hate brown people and have legitimate concerns about Sharia law. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Did you know that the communist Wiltshire County Council plans to introduce Sharia Law very soon? British patriots will be deported to the Isle of Man. Your daughters will be used for breeding. We must paint flags on roundabouts and rise up against the oppressors. Only Reform can save us now.

Thank you for sharing my wise words.

The worst thing about thieving migrant rapists guzzling our native fowl is that they become enormously fat, putting a massive burden on our creaking NHS and causing 10s of millions of deaths annually among the true English. I know for a fact that migrants are producing pheasant and eagle foie gras.

See how the forces of evil conspire to attack my wonderful work! They deliberately misinterpret Holy Scripture in a feeble attempt to cast me in a bad light. Clearly the Lord expects any Christian charity to be restricted to those who actually deserve love and kindness. Not pagans or gays. Or women.

This is how a Christian society should work. God helps those who help themselves. The poor, the destitute, the feckless. Those too unsuccessful to be born wealthy. They must beg for basic care and should be grateful. Mr Farage and I, his favoured acolyte, will bring this enlightenment to Britain.

Poor, stupid Kemi’s attack on Mr Farage’s science is an embarrassing sign of the decline of the once-great Conservative Party. It was great when I helped to lead it and now it is nothing. Mr Farage has more science in his anal beard that most Nobel Laureates. Selfish mothers must stop using poison.

URGENT CORRECTION. PLEASE CIRCULATE. When referring to “my Reform Party”, I was course referring to the excellent Reform Party owned and operated by my supreme friend, Mr Farage. Hellaciously wrong of me to make this egregious misappropriation. I can only apologise profusely and beg forgiveness.

Did you know that most homeless people are given large houses and iPhone 17s by our supine government? They also receive a bonus of £2500 for each daughter of upper-class parents that they manage to impregnate. This proves beyond all doubt that Britain is broken. Only my Reform Party can save us.

Mr Farage has rightly highlighted the appalling depredation visited on the Royal Swans by greedy illegal immigrants. No one has actually seen this happening but we know it to be true. Absolute proof of their barbarity and rejection of English values. I have men with shotguns guarding my flamingoes.

Saddened and disappointed today to learn that female members of my family and staff have been using artificial drugs to treat symptoms of natural events. This is against the will of God. In future they must obtain authorisation from the head of the household before putting things in their bodies.

Mr Farage’s elegant proposal to cleanse our country has generated criticism from both the Far Left and also the failed, dying husk of the Conservative Party. People are saying this is immoral and impractical. Don’t you understand? It really doesn’t matter. We must secure the patriotic vote.

See how Satan is active in our world.

I have written to my great friend and leader Mr Farage today, explaining my concerns that simply deporting foreigners is not sufficient to allay the patriots of England. We must go further. We must harvest their organs and confiscate all their valuables, including watches and gold teeth.

Wonderful Morning Prayers. We prayed together for Death to the Invaders and their parasitic children. The maids were looking especially fetching in their new leather uniforms. And some of the gardeners took my breath away. No sign of Nigel or Lee but I’m sure they will join me very soon.

Do not heed the seductive voice of Satan.

Without me, the dying Conservative Party accelerates its inevitable death march. They will fight like puppies in a sack. Like wolverines in a dirty hot tub. Despair and hubris will consume them. But fear not. A new light is shining. Reform will make us grate again. Mr Farage will lead me to glory.

This is actually blasphemous, plain and simple. The perpetrators must be crucified.

Terrible behaviour. Rebranding our flag to represent inclusivity goes against everything that it stands for. “Artists”? Traitors to their country. By the way, I notice that they appear to be female. What does this tell us, I wonder? Where are their husbands? www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2025...

@parodyprue.bsky.social For fuck’s sake, Mother. What is wrong with you?

This. Is. A. Disgrace.

Completely unreasonable. Why should Mr Farage be expected to live in poverty just to satisfy some archaic rules about political spending? Ridiculous.

Derek Acora paranormal guy told David Bull to hide in the boot to escape evil spirits. Let’s NOT pretend you don’t know which branch of unhinged you have joined.

Do not join almost 3,000 idiots in signing this rubbish.

Is this a clip of you and Farage practicing your #ReformParty Conference walk-on together...

Hilarious to watch the ridiculous squabbling of Corbyn and Sultana and their failed party. They simply cannot work together. Pathetic children. Contrast with the wonderful collegiate democracy at Mr Farage’s Reform Party. He respects what I say and is delighted to share all power with me.

Did you know that Wiltshire, an ancient county steeped in the most British of history, contains many defensive features designed to repel invaders? Pill-boxes on the K&A canal, many hill forts and castles. I have read of these in books. We must deploy them now to repel invaders. Sink the boats.

Laughable fake news. Of course I would never say such cruel things about the great Mr Farage. I owe him everything.

The “Guardian” has clearly been run by the Left and is actively destroying public morals. But this latest insult and me and my Party is a step too far. The British People will expect this organisation to be crushed like a but, and Mr Farage will do this as soon as he and our party regain power.

Sadly, this merely proves that the forces of woke will stop at nothing to besmirch and blacken the name of our great English Police Force. Locker room banter is a noble tradition and is a natural part of assimilation for minority officers who have been allowed to serve. Prepares them for real work.

I’ve been investigating the demographic in my constituency. Did you know many households have chosen to spurn God’s law by being unmarried, unchristian or gay? My team will work on identifying these sinners. We will affix patriotic flags to their doors. Later they will wear distinctive armbands.

I understand that one of my villages, Pewsey, will be holding a Carnival today. The oldest in Wiltshire. A great celebration of British Tradition. Unfortunately I won’t be able to attend as I understand that some of the participants are homosexual and most of the women aren’t very attractive.

Profoundly invigorating Morning Prayers today. I read to my staff from my own holy book (available at all good bookshops). I have instituted an ancient tradition of saluting our flag, patriotically. The Left hate this. Sadly Mr Farage and my other new colleagues weren’t able to make it again.

Here we see the rather stupid, thuggish Conservative PCC bleating about lack of funding. This proves conclusively that the Tories are not fit to govern and you must instead support Mr Farage’s excellent Reform Party. www.wiltshiretimes.co.uk/news/2547777...

We must learn from Mr Trump’s wise, brave actions in improving the morality and quality of television. Reform will be in power in the UK in a small number weeks, and I look forward to assuming responsibility for U.K. public in a new role as Master of the Revels. news.sky.com/story/kimmel...

This proves that Communists simply are not bred properly for the serious business of government. Endless factional squabbling and shifting of parties, defections and back stabbing. This country is crying out for Christian stability. England is begging for Reform.

Wiltshire Council leader condemns intimidation of refugees. Tragic and traitorous. This proves beyond all doubt that I was right to dump the failed Conservative Party. All true Christian patriots despise the pagan invaders and desire their deportation to hellholes. This is what Our Lord wants.

I notice that thousands of my idiot constituents have signed a petition calling for a by-election. I won’t be doing this. Because I don’t want to. It simply doesn’t suit my objectives, and you can’t make me. All this bleating from the washed up local party is a pathetic waste of my precious time.

More sour grapes from the losing party in East Wiltshire. If these non-entities had any character then they would transfer forthwith to Mr Farage's victorious Reform Party!

I see that the local inbred buffoons are already demonstrating their monumental stupidity and arrogance in public. The sheer ingratitude is jaw-dropping. "Thank you for your service" would have been nice. Instead we get "deep treachery". Doesn't he know who I am? marlborough.news/letters/defe...

Non-traditional marriage arrangements and gays go against God’s law. It would be cruel and unkind to support such transgressive behaviour. Who are we to assist others in their journey to Hell and eternal torment?

It has come to my attention that there may be single parents and homosexuals living in my constituency of East Wiltshire. We are covered by good train and bus services and it will be easy for you to leave and make your way to somewhere where your flaws will be more welcome, such as Islington.

See the nonsense spouted by the jealous malcontent Robert Buckland. He wouldn’t know good breeding and democracy if they took him out for a slap-up meal then loved him until the bedsprings broke! Times are a-changing. And I’m leading the charge. I’m DANNY KURGER! Say my name.

My views have been important and influential for many years.

It is of course not true that the excellent, conservative Reform Party (superbly led by my great friend Mr Farage) would “spend like drunken sailors”. I have spent several nights with liquored-up matelots and generally they are as tight as an eel’s arsehole. x.com/BestForBrita...

I am very happy with my brave decision to defecate yesterday. It has brought me many minutes of TV coverage. Good to see serious views being aired for once. And Mr Farage and Mr Anderson have assured me that they are traditional British Christians and would love to join me in Morning Prayers.

More fake news. Of course Mr Farage didn’t intend this call for by-elections to apply to me.

I had a wonderful night yesterday celebrating with my new friends in Mr Farage’s Reform Party. Traditional uniform of pure white robes with super pointy hats. Hilarious game of sinking dinghies with spear guns. They laughed when I tried to get them to join me in evening prayers. Maybe next time.