This is a measure of Mr Farage’s popularity with the people that matter.

I see that Mr Trump has issued a fulsome and gracious apology following a minor misunderstanding over his wise words on our Great British soldiers. We must be thankful to Mr Farage for securing this important clarification. Without his guiding hand on the diplomatic tiller, we would have nothing.

A sexual abuse story that tangentially refers to a Tory counsellor? This proves that - mainstream media never covers the immigrant plague destroying Britian - the Tory party is indeed dead - I was right to join Mr Farage as only Reform can fix all this www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

I have just finished having one of my researchers read this fortnight’s @privateeyenews.bsky.social What an utter disgrace. One of this nation’s most prominent political leaders has, once again, not been mentioned a single time. I refer, of course, to myself. Danny Kruger MP. A shocking insult.

Pathetic attack by the Marxist press. Mr Farage was in Davos to hold the global elite to account! Of course it is right and fair that someone else should cover his small travel costs. Hardly fair for him to fund a private flight from the pathetic salary doled out to MPs! www.ft.com/content/7b40...

Obviously there must be a by-election when anyone leaves my party. This is completely different from the complex situation where I am my excellent friends have chosen to join Mr Farage for victory. One is a treacherous betrayal of the electorate and the other is a noble act of glorious leadership.

Lest anyone suggest that I am weak in the defence of British soldiers, I would remind you that mine is the most military of all constituencies. I like nothing better than a strong man in uniform, his muscular buttocks and biceps swathed in tight khaki. Beads of sweat on his noble brow. Heaven!

You will notice that a small pocket of traitors has voted against the will of the people, proving that the voting rules in some constituencies must be reconsidered. Do these recalcitrants fools not understand that I was elected for life, come what may? They’ve made themselves look very silly.

See what I have to put up with. The remaining 500 signatures must be prevented. This must not be debated by Parliament. Who would that benefit apart from troublemakers?

Do not sign this petition. It would have a chilling effect on the democratic right of MPs (such as myself) to choose the party that best suits their aspirations.

Excellent news. Reform will win easily. We are the people’s choice. I look forward to another like-minded friend joining me in our new government.

I have received a large number of letters complaining about the state of the roads in East Wiltshire. Potholes and other hazards seem popular. The first thing you should do is to discipline your drivers better. Deduct the cost of damages from their wages and sack them if they don't improve.

I have instructed my household to stop watching any programmes featuring this far-left saboteur. We must hit these wreckers where it hurts most - in their wallets.

This is pure jealousy by political pygmies desperate to damage a great man. Mr Farage is above petty concerns such as money. He moves in a higher space.

STOP REPOSTING THIS FILTH. more than 70000 undemocratic fools have signed it now.

I’d appreciate it if you would refrain from signing this irritating, attention-seeking nonsense. A large mob of my idiotic, bucolic constituents seemed to find it annoying when I bravely left the dying Conservative Party and joined Reform. Don’t be like them. petition.parliament.uk/petitions/73...

I see that this failed government has bowed to pressure from the Wise, and has reversed its decision not to ban children from using Satan’s tool, the mobile phone. A true Christian government would also ban those too weak to resist temptation. I refer to women and the feeble-minded such as gays.

Look at my furious, windswept hair. My manly, angry visage. I radiate power and righteous anger. I smell of sexual charisma. A bad day for our Marxist dictatorship. A good day for the comely new chambermaid. A bad day for the bed, which I broke.

One of the great tragedies of recent days is the mainstream media’s coverage of Reform. Yes it’s good to see lots about the new joiners. Of course there will be more. But where’s the coverage of the policy engine? The beating intellectual heart of the new regime? Precious few pictures of me.

This simply proves that some of my constituents are so stupid that they should not be allowed to vote at all.

I am confident that a very large wave of Conservative, Labour and Green MPs will be joining me in Mr Farage’s Reform Party in the next few weeks. If this doesn’t transpire then it merely proves that the system is irretrievably corrupted and this failed Parliament must be dissolved.

A lot of people are feigning outrage that Mr Farage inadvertently recorded a personal tribute to a murdered paedophile. Silly. Mr Farage needs all the money he can get to transform this benighted country. He can hardly do that on the pathetic MP salary, can he? metro.co.uk/2026/01/15/i...

Today I learned: tensions on immigration in my East Wiltshire constituency have become so high that some farmers have been dragging non-British immigrants behind their tractors in cardboard boxes. I will be announcing a fundraising campaign later to cover these patriots’ costs for fuel and boxes.

I'm afraid this just goes to show that women really should stay out of politics and listen to their betters!

the power of fake news. Obviously Mr Farage has never had a bad word to say about our latest recruit.

Real feeling of excitement tonight among my household staff. Now that my great friend Robert Jenrick has returned to the party of God, he will be allowed to visit once more. And that, dear reader, means a return to the happy days of several maids straddling him hard at night. And maybe a footman!

A list of honour and excellence

Delighted to welcome my friend Robert Jenrich back to the ruling party. He has realised that the Conservative Party is rotten as soon as they sacked him.

I see that my friend Robert Jenrick has been unable to resist the attraction of joining me in Mr Farage’s victorious front bench. He will make a wonderful addition to our party and I’m sure that we senior members of Reform will be able to find a useful supporting role for him.

I am told on good authority that our Islamist “government” is planning to introduce quotas at schools for Woke Characteristics. Classes will be required to be 20% homosexual, and if insufficient gays are available then normal children must be converted. Only Reform can stop this work of Satan.

I didn't want to go to France anyway. Ignorant peasants. They will be begging me to visit once my Reform Party is fully installed in the seat of power that we have already earned.

Hilarious but terrifying. We have fallen very far if we allow weaker soldiers into positions of power. How many must die on the altar of Woke? My wife and housemaids are well-suited to the work I allow them, such as cleaning my toilet and genitals. They kneel happily. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Correct. Nadhim is a wise man and knows that it is foolish to pay unnecessary tax. Rich people and the engine that drives this country to be great again, and trying to make them pay the same marginal tax rate as ordinary workers is the petty politics of envy and personal greed. Show some gratitude!

Manchester was once a great city, powered by cotton mills full of hardworking young people. Liverpool thrived on the trade with Africa and America. Building a few trains for Northern lefties will hardly bring back those glory days. Businesses - don’t bother bidding. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

So many wonderful supporters. My message of love is cutting through.

More blatant lies from my ex-colleagues in the dying Tory party. Of course Nadhim could have had a Peerage whenever he asked for it. He is very rich. Zahawi failed to secure peerage from Badenoch before Reform UK defection, Tory sources claim – UK politics live www.theguardian.com/politics/liv...

This is the fault of immigrants and the European dictatorship. As soon as everyone not of proper British heritage is deported or imprisoned then of course we will be able to cut taxes for the most deserving.

More fake news in a pathetic attempt to discredit the ruling party.

The creme de la creme of British political intellectuals. Although it might have been more fitting had you fisted me at the head of your list. I am, after all, easily the most senior of your names in Mr Farage’s new world order.

The claim here is that London‘s murder rate is now the lowest in a decade. This is obviously not true. It stands to reason that having a non-British mayor coupled with vast, rising levels of pagan immigration has caused London to become a brown hell hole. news.met.police.uk/news/violenc....

This is what’s best for Britain. If I support Mr Farage enthusiastically enough he will undoubtedly notice my loyalty. This will get me an important role on his Shadow Front Beach. And it is a great step towards having the country governed by properly qualified people again. I will rule well.

Childish nonsense. Of course Mr Farage isn’t going to waste precious time sitting in Parliament just so that he can be the butt. Of pathetic jokes. They won’t be laughing soon.

Clearly fake news. These “polls” are plucked directly from Satan’s dark orifice. As we all know, London is now a crime-laden third world hellhole. No one speaks proper English and most boroughs are now ruled by Sharia law. Proper native English people are not welcome. Only Reform can fix this.

Excellent. Education should be prioritised for the very best, not wasted on lower class oiks that will only end up squandering it by becoming engineers or feminist writers. We would do well to return all male Oxbridge colleges. Don’t remember any women at Eton! www.theguardian.com/education/20...

Good to see that wasteful spending is being cut by patriotic Reform administrations. We have the courage to sacrifice woke socialist musical saboteurs for the greater good.

I’ve seen a lot of mealy-mouthed woke hand-wringing in 2025 about the evils of colonialism and (shudder) the slave trade. I would just point out, gently, that without these supposed evils, millions of people would be festering, unenlightened, in African shit holes and would never have found Christ.

Look at this and please try to understand. You are seeing the future of British politics. Beautifully cut suit. Intelligent face and strong chin. Wonderful voice. Righteous in the eyes of the Lord. Is it so hard to see that I have better judgement than you? That I am a genuinely better person?

I have seen a sharp rise in the number of rough sleepers near my home. There are some rather bedraggled families setting up camp on Richmond Green, none of whom appear to speak good English. I have encouraged my dog to urinate on their bedding in the hope that this will help them to find Christ.

Does she look British to you? Obviously she must be held accountable for anything she ever did or said, no matter how young or foolish. This is clearly different to the situation with our Leader, Mr Farage, who is the victim of racism for things he didn't do aged 15. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

This is just foolish troublemaking. Obviously this test only need apply to individuals looking as though they may not carry full British blood! Boris is clearly British. Have you ever heard a more honest, authentic English accent! Sadiq Khan, on the other hand. It’s just common sense.