New report says Kristi Noem has now scheduled a vacation for her and her husband near a gravel pit this weekend....

No, seriously. How big are the closets in Noem 's house?

Remember when we all thought Kamala was going to win and then she didn't and some of us were like, "Well at least Jake Paul is going to get beat up by Mike Tyson...."

I just remembered that, as a teenager, I bought and read the CANNONBALL RUN novelisation

Congrats to Chuck Norris for leaving the MAGA party today

So the rapture thing... Is that like at noon and which noon? Noon in Australia or America? Jerusalem? Is it more like 12:01am? I have logistical questions. Which city has the least amount of sinners and where is a good place to watch it? How long it will be? Should I bring a lunch or a chair?

A car drove by me w/ a bumper sticker "What Would Buddha Do?" Well, probably not own a car or buy a bumper sticker with his name on it.

If you're getting Raptured, leave us your address and the door open or it's just performative belief

It's weird. You used to be able to rent Melania without Amazon getting all the money.

If you're being Raptured on March 22, please consider buying one of my books first. Leave me with some sin money as we sit and sin without you. Promise I won't do anything gross with most of it.

The rumor is there is another Rapture coming on March 22nd, so if you have airline miles, this might be a fun way to spend them. "And to your right, you'll see.... Dave."

Every book I try to challenge myself with something. This time around, I wrote my first gay character. This is not a "clap for me" post. It's a "please don't be mad I tried my hardest and think I did it" post

The doctor said I could use some B-6 but I found something called B-12, so imma do it in half the time. #crushingit

Hey Dan Crenshaw, Don't let the doorknob hit you in the eye on the way out

Me: I would like to advertise my book on social media Internet: F*** you! Mention trump or say you're unvaccinated and then maybe we'll talk

He's so impossibly dumb. And the problem is, if someone thinks he's smart, they are actually dumber than he is.

Live look at the State of the Union address

I was going to listen to the State Of The Union but I just got an audio book of RFK and Rosie Perez reading 50 Shades of Grey, so...

Dear tv and movie script writers, Nothing says, "I don't understand geek culture" like making your character hear a strange noise & then grabbing a collectible $200 lightsaber to go outside and check it out. We're grabbing our ninja swords which are conveniently hung up on the wall.

Teeth are usually around 36 calories a piece. Now that's a thing you know.

Having luggage at the airport is like watching your kids. “Alright, I have to go to the bathroom. Everybody c’mon. Now stand right there while I pee, so I can keep an eye on you in case someone wants to steal you.”

Did I need to binge the previous Super Bowls to know what's happening?

I feel bad for the children whose parents are going to the Turning Point halftime show. They'll be dragged there because the weekend is the only time they're allowed to visit their kids.

I miss the person I was before he came down that 🤬ing escalator

Maybe we should worry less about a witch living alone in the woods and worry more about some kid named Hansel who thinks it’s ok to just eat a persons house.

The movie MELANIA did so poorly that I'm surprised it wasn't a sequel to something starring Jared Leto

I just saw the MELANIA movie, which was ok, but I'm still confused. So was the black goat the devil?

I just watched the RIP on Netflix. It's called the RIP. It has police doing a RIP, because it's a RIP, see? Maybe you didn't hear me. It's called the RIP. A RIP is when cops do a RIP, so they do a movie called RIP. RIP

So JD Vances wife is pregnant and I can only assume she sat on the coach without underwear.

When Han, Luke, Chewie and Leia escaped the Death Star, there were the two dead scanning crew members and two dead stormtroopers that they killed, still on the ship. Just saying.

I think the most futile job in the world would be the guy who hangs up really high banners at a foot fetish convention.

Trump taking away that Peace Prize is one of the saddest things I've witnessed and I've seen a clown lying dead at a rainy circus

trump just called me and wants my "Best Actor in a Fan Film" award that I got in 2012

All proceeds go to the ANTIFA year end party

Now on sale

A woman who cut in front of the long line, just took my order by mistake. WELL HAVE FUN EATING THE CHEAPEST THING ON THE MENU!

In Jurassic Park: Rebirth, they say that people are "bored" with the dinosaurs and now they're looked at as inconveniences. I thought, "There's no way". Then the movie ended and I agreed with them.

I need about 500k for my next book. So I'm proud to announce the president will be receiving the first ever Burr Martin Peace Prize trophy, necklace and collectible Pog. Congrats. Now will that be a check or...?

I'm still sad The A Team sequel was never made that could've had Jon Hamm chasing down Liam Neeson

But I don't want Venezuela. I'd rather have healthcare and free school lunches for kids.

IT'S HERE! My midquel to The Last Days of Dracula, RED REIGN. Amazon Paperback $6.50 Hardback $13.50 Kindle only $1.00 ! Online Barnes and Noble 🔎(Red Reign Dracula vs The Third Reich) Paperback $6.75 Ebook $1.00

Trying one last time before the new year to promote my new book RED REIGN. (You may even laugh) #booktok #books #fyp #trending #Dracula

Just found out my grandmother knew the Titanic was going to sink. As soon as she saw it, she screamed and yelled at people that it was going to sink. She told everyone around here that it was going to sink. She never let up , even when they finally kicked her out of the theater.

The week between Christmas and New Year's is called the Holiday Taint

I still think horror movies should have fun bloopers during the credits

When I was around 12, my friend and I were jumping off our house's porch. I slipped on some water and fell, neck first, into a thorn bush, ripping open the neck of my neck. I still have the caterpillar scar. Social media wasn't a thing in 1979, so I'm just telling y'all here. I'll be ok.

Jared Leto has just been cast as Luke Skywalker in the next Star Wars movie

Four days until!

I got no sleep last night. Freaking sugar plumbs dancing. ALL NIGHT!! THEY WOULDN'T STOP!!