MTG and trump feuding is like watching the married couple you hate from across the street getting a messy divorce and you've got the day off to watch

I tried one of those coffee enema 's the other day. The cream was easy but those sugar cubes.....

I'm watching the free seasons of JOEY on YouTube and I'm going to say it. I've gotten a few good laughs from it. Judge me if you will. *The sad part is, the car he's driving in the intro has a radio/tape cassette and now I feel so old

Just a reminder, “Epstein” is the name of the sex trafficker. The president is called “Epstein’s monster.”

If you leave a plastic spoon near the stove and it melts, you've made a free ladle. Follow me for more kitchen hacks

When there's a knock at our door, there's always a weird tense moment when my wife and I look at each other and try to decide within seconds, who currently has something going on more than the other one, so they have to answer the door.

Haven't had a single person today thank me for my time in the KISS Army.

Guys, I think we need to shut down all the satire sites until Uncle Orange dies, because he can't tell the difference.

Never thought I'd say thank you Supreme Court for telling that hollow skulled, greasy sausage smelling, 5 headed, ferret chinned, drop of playdough skinned attention hog, who's only claim to fame was not doing her 🤬ing job, to go bake herself a heterosexual cake and eat it alone in a sad apartment.

Today the Supreme Court will decide if two people who love each other should be married. My thoughts are with those who are worried right now if old, white conservative men with mistresses think they should have a say in it.

Lionel Ritchie: We gonna have a party, yeah. All night long Me: We are definitely not doing that. I need this wrapped up by 1 at the latest and truth be told, I'd prefer everyone home by 11.

So many things have happened in the last 24 hours, here's a quick rundown. - Albany course corrects the last election and votes in their first Black, female Mayor - Colorado stops just short of eating the rich and voted to tax the rich in order to provide free meals for kids.

Well at least he has a new bathroom to rage tweet about tonight

A good sign that things might be returning to better days is when the devil calls Dick Cheney back too "Just have a talk after work"

My phone doesn’t recognize my face when I’m smiling and that should probably be a little worrisome….

Step 1) get a load of PURGE masks Step 2) give them to the rowdy 6 year olds in the neighborhood Step 3) watch your mini purge

LOL "Kids don't trick or treat anymore" **Immediately sees 4 posts and RING cameras with kids stealing all the candy from bowls**

I had everything. Candy Toys. Hotdogs. 1 trick or treater.

If Riley Gaines debated AOC and lost, she'd still come in 5th place

News has sucked a lot so I needed a break. 🪕🪕

I bought my first new jacket in years that didn't have anything to do with a costume. I'm adulting

I say we call the trumps new building "The Mush Room" 🍄

I had such a great time hosting this year's Halloween Xspo Costume Contest as Dracula! But then, I'm pretty great at it. youtu.be/HMqlXkIrP3Y?...

My next book is going to be called "We All Went To The Same School So Why Is Everyone Wearing Red Hats But Me?"

Pushing to sell at least five books this October

If Pete Hegseth wants to make sure women are strong enough to be in the military, I think a great new test would be to see how long it takes them to beat the 💩 out of him.

I hear the Riyadh Comedy festival sold out. Not seats. The comedians.

I liked the part of trumps UN address where he mentioned how he stopped the war between Wakanda and the underwater kingdom of Talokan #trump

We may be looking for a new house, so if you know someone who got raptured, please let me know. I'd like a pool and a finished basement, but it's not a deal breaker.

Yes, but the jello has fruit in it.

My daughter was hit with a bunch of 1 ⭐ reviews on her books from pro-Charlie Kirk people who told her to go k*ll herself this week. She's devastated. 😡 www.goodreads.com/book/show/20... The Book of Gemma: VOL. 2 www.goodreads.com/book/show/20... The Book of Gemma www.goodreads.com/book/show/89...

I'm waiting for maga to get a bunch of pilots fired, because words hurt them, and then start complaining their flights are cancelled and can't make the Kid Rock concert before they have to get back and spend court ordered time with their kid.

Watching old returns of The Brady Bunch and not once during an argument did I hear Carol or Mike scream at each other, "Don't you yell at my kids like that!"

I think THE PAPER would've been better if Oscar was the boss. You immediately have the nostalgia and Oscar Nunez is a great straight man. He could be sitting in his office, fielding all these "crazy" characters. Just my thought

So you want to know when Trump REALLY dies and his administration has fallen? Watch Steven Miller start stealing gold and art and hiding it in a cemetery

🚨Breaking News🚨 Bad news everyone, It is with great sadness that I will not be able to host this year's Halloween Xspo adult costume contest this year. Instead, someone else has thankfully stepped in to take my place.

When a Magic 8-Ball says "Ask again later", how long do I wait? This Security guard is coming back soon & that bag of money is just sitting there

The only roles that Cheryl Hines should be offered now are Eva Braun bio's

People always talk about how it looks like Paul Rudd never ages but no talks about how Steve Zahn is bathing in those same waters.

I always see those news stories about people finding a dinosaur egg in their backyard or a million dollar painting in their attic and dreamed that would happen to us. So if anyone needs this card for a $1.00....

My Fantastic Four

Helping out the 501st at Shriners today. This is 50% of the reason I joined up. Hospital visits. (The other half was to impress my kids when they were little) ... (Ok, and a little because it's cool.) #thisistheway

Just found out a friend of mine was let go from Sysco. She was loyal/did her job with no complaint for years. When I left, they just gave my job to 3 employees there instead of hiring help Every week they would brag about profits. Big Corps don't care about you. They never will. It's only about $$

Watching SUPERMAN 2 and my favorite part is when he turns human for like, 10 minutes and hates it so much, he walks to the Arctic just to stop being one.

Watching SUPERMAN, am I the only one who thought for years that he says, "You will bow down before me, Jor-el! You and one day, your ass!"

Dear comedy writers, I think we can retire the "Old person doesn't know the name of social media sites" gag now. "Oh, he's on the instgrammers or the faceybook"

Eating pizza, watching Poop cruise on Netflix.