I miss the person I was before he came down that 🤬ing escalator

Maybe we should worry less about a witch living alone in the woods and worry more about some kid named Hansel who thinks it’s ok to just eat a persons house.

The movie MELANIA did so poorly that I'm surprised it wasn't a sequel to something starring Jared Leto

I just saw the MELANIA movie, which was ok, but I'm still confused. So was the black goat the devil?

I just watched the RIP on Netflix. It's called the RIP. It has police doing a RIP, because it's a RIP, see? Maybe you didn't hear me. It's called the RIP. A RIP is when cops do a RIP, so they do a movie called RIP. RIP

So JD Vances wife is pregnant and I can only assume she sat on the coach without underwear.

When Han, Luke, Chewie and Leia escaped the Death Star, there were the two dead scanning crew members and two dead stormtroopers that they killed, still on the ship. Just saying.

I think the most futile job in the world would be the guy who hangs up really high banners at a foot fetish convention.

Trump taking away that Peace Prize is one of the saddest things I've witnessed and I've seen a clown lying dead at a rainy circus

trump just called me and wants my "Best Actor in a Fan Film" award that I got in 2012

All proceeds go to the ANTIFA year end party

Now on sale

A woman who cut in front of the long line, just took my order by mistake. WELL HAVE FUN EATING THE CHEAPEST THING ON THE MENU!

In Jurassic Park: Rebirth, they say that people are "bored" with the dinosaurs and now they're looked at as inconveniences. I thought, "There's no way". Then the movie ended and I agreed with them.

I need about 500k for my next book. So I'm proud to announce the president will be receiving the first ever Burr Martin Peace Prize trophy, necklace and collectible Pog. Congrats. Now will that be a check or...?

I'm still sad The A Team sequel was never made that could've had Jon Hamm chasing down Liam Neeson

But I don't want Venezuela. I'd rather have healthcare and free school lunches for kids.

IT'S HERE! My midquel to The Last Days of Dracula, RED REIGN. Amazon Paperback $6.50 Hardback $13.50 Kindle only $1.00 ! Online Barnes and Noble 🔎(Red Reign Dracula vs The Third Reich) Paperback $6.75 Ebook $1.00

Trying one last time before the new year to promote my new book RED REIGN. (You may even laugh) #booktok #books #fyp #trending #Dracula

Just found out my grandmother knew the Titanic was going to sink. As soon as she saw it, she screamed and yelled at people that it was going to sink. She told everyone around here that it was going to sink. She never let up , even when they finally kicked her out of the theater.

The week between Christmas and New Year's is called the Holiday Taint

I still think horror movies should have fun bloopers during the credits

When I was around 12, my friend and I were jumping off our house's porch. I slipped on some water and fell, neck first, into a thorn bush, ripping open the neck of my neck. I still have the caterpillar scar. Social media wasn't a thing in 1979, so I'm just telling y'all here. I'll be ok.

Jared Leto has just been cast as Luke Skywalker in the next Star Wars movie

Four days until!

I got no sleep last night. Freaking sugar plumbs dancing. ALL NIGHT!! THEY WOULDN'T STOP!!

Collected my first three novellas

At least my daughter's funny: There was a Santa in Petsmart today for photos. On our way out of the store... Me: “I was going to sit on Santa's lap but the dog hair turned me off.“ Taylor: "Uh, why were you turned ON?"

Listening to Elton John singing "Saturday Night" recently, it hit me that it sounds like Niles Crane trying to impress a woman. "Oh, yes. My... old lady knows, sometimes I just need to have a belly full of beer and then do some fighting"

True story. The original draft of Empire Strikes Back did not have Luke lose his hand to Vader's lightsaber. He lost it from shaking too many hands.

Now taking pre-orders. 180 pages of mayhem, mythology and dark humor. Only $10 gets you a signed copy in your mailbox. Message me for more details.

Some photos of yesterday's Coalition Against Cancer's Christmas party for families dealing with cancer. It was officially my 50th charity event dressed as a Star Wars character. (I'm Boba Fett)

Me and my daughter are officially adding to social media problems in Germany as we've been added into the schools books. 😉😀

It's now cold enough to play "What did I put it in my winter coat pocket last year"

Happy Eat With Your Hands Day

MTG and trump feuding is like watching the married couple you hate from across the street getting a messy divorce and you've got the day off to watch

I tried one of those coffee enema 's the other day. The cream was easy but those sugar cubes.....

I'm watching the free seasons of JOEY on YouTube and I'm going to say it. I've gotten a few good laughs from it. Judge me if you will. *The sad part is, the car he's driving in the intro has a radio/tape cassette and now I feel so old

Just a reminder, “Epstein” is the name of the sex trafficker. The president is called “Epstein’s monster.”

If you leave a plastic spoon near the stove and it melts, you've made a free ladle. Follow me for more kitchen hacks

When there's a knock at our door, there's always a weird tense moment when my wife and I look at each other and try to decide within seconds, who currently has something going on more than the other one, so they have to answer the door.

Haven't had a single person today thank me for my time in the KISS Army.

Guys, I think we need to shut down all the satire sites until Uncle Orange dies, because he can't tell the difference.

Never thought I'd say thank you Supreme Court for telling that hollow skulled, greasy sausage smelling, 5 headed, ferret chinned, drop of playdough skinned attention hog, who's only claim to fame was not doing her 🤬ing job, to go bake herself a heterosexual cake and eat it alone in a sad apartment.

Today the Supreme Court will decide if two people who love each other should be married. My thoughts are with those who are worried right now if old, white conservative men with mistresses think they should have a say in it.

Lionel Ritchie: We gonna have a party, yeah. All night long Me: We are definitely not doing that. I need this wrapped up by 1 at the latest and truth be told, I'd prefer everyone home by 11.

So many things have happened in the last 24 hours, here's a quick rundown. - Albany course corrects the last election and votes in their first Black, female Mayor - Colorado stops just short of eating the rich and voted to tax the rich in order to provide free meals for kids.