You have a face that could launch a thousand ships. Mostly in the opposite direction. But still.

Dating apps are a great way to get you to lower your standards.

Just dreamt I called 911 and they made me fill out a satisfaction survey and sit through 2 ads before disconnecting me.

Admittedly, I seldom ever gamble... but it's been years since I've bet my bippy.

I don't remember much about junior high school, but I do remember the bullying, the screaming, the bleeding, the regimented living, the dictatorial orders... Wait, sorry, I'm thinking of the French Foreign Legion. I joined that to forget junior high school.

I don't think I'm ever going to realize my dream of being a playwright. Ditto with my dream where none of my friends have faces.

Nobody told me that the NHL is making hockey more interesting for comicbook fans. Apparently, the winners get something called the Stan Lee Cup!

Do masochists get aroused when they stub their toe, or only when it's against a particularly shapely chair leg?

"Truth is stranger than fiction." Bitch, read some Kafka.

I don't think Trump has ever had a dog, which is just as well. If he had a pet rock, he'd find a way to starve it to death.

I'm late for work! No time to sort my breakfast Skittles! I'll just have to grab a fistful and hope I get at least a few strawberry and lemon ones! Aaaaaaand... they're all lime. Fuck.

I'm a little hurt that no one said anything about my new prom dress. Well, the security guard at the high school did, but not in a good way.

You know who was a real "Uncle Tom"? My uncle, Tom.

I admit that, during rush-hour traffic, there's a part of me that wishes Thanos's plan worked.

I think if there's one lesson to learn from “Project Hail Mary,” it's that people will do the right thing as long as you pin them down and drug them.

Carolyn looks a little too happy here. (Photo oops courtesy of the Reader Weekly.)

My hair suggests that this was my Don Music phase.

Sometimes the only way to escape work is to be kidnapped by Kurt Russell.

I admit that, when the Pope responded to Trump's attacks, I didn't think he'd include the word "cheugy."

You know that loud, incessant beeping noise when a phone has been let off the hook for too long? Whoever invented that was a shill for the horror-picture industry. Prove me wrong.

Her: "Have a good weekend." Me: "Sure." Her: "You, too." Me: .....

I pitied the man who had no shoes... until I got a whiff of his sweat socks.

Telling me that Cheech and Chong are funny when you're high is like telling me your girlfriend is only hot when you're drunk.

The US has a gerontocracy problem.

Hey, join my Substack. At Peanut Gallery Comics.

Trump better hope that telling the difference between a doctor and Jesus doesn't show up on his next cognitive exam.

You know a good adverb we don't see often enough? "Swimmingly." Let's make a point to use it more. I'll start: "He took a long time to drown, but he did it swimmingly."

From the Northland Enquirer (Duluth MN).

The original Captain Future (not to be confused with the Mort Weisinger character) was a bit of an asshole.

Yes. This really happened.

Part one of a mini-series involving me and a stripper I dated on and off for 14 years.

What happens when right-wing maniacs cold-call a Leftist for money? Guess you'll have to read my Substack to find out. open.substack.com/pub/peanutga...

Check out this week's PGC Substack and then subscribe once you see how awesome it is. open.substack.com/pub/peanutga...

Somehow, out of context, the line "I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping" seems to lack a bit of gravitas.

Sarchasm (n.) A pointed, ironic barb directed toward a cave

Although I have some Irish blood, I don't drink, so I shan't be celebrating St. Patrick's Day in any substantive way. I mean, I did run over a leprechaun in my driveway once, but that was just an accident.

I ran out of clean forks three days ago. Fortunately, I bought some plastic silverware for just this occasion. Similarly, my lack of clean underwear has been solved with a tube of Saran Wrap.

I caught myself saying "I overslept" and had to kick myself. Because I don't believe you can sleep too much, short of a coma.

I finally remembered to "spring forward" this year. And the people ahead of me in line at the 7-11 were really pissy about it.

It amazes me that anyone can still complain about my driving, even after I beat that train.

Today is International Women's Day! Did anyone get me an international woman?! Hurry, before the shops close!

In lieu of giving up an hour of sleep, I chose to forgo the hour I spend each day screaming into the void. #DST