Everybody needs a friend they can go down on from time to time.

It really is a cult, isn't it? Except that they aren't living off on some farmland somewhere, separated from the rest of society. The cult is all around us. It's really creepy.

I hate lamp.

Lemme check real quick.... OK, Stranger Things is on Netflix. Phew! Cancelling Disney+, Hulu, etc...

Disney. Shame on you! youtu.be/oQB7zLGt0Ns?...

Nobody is sucking on chili dogs outside a Tastee-freeze anymore and that’s sad.

Imagining all the Disney characters jumping off a cliff like they forced lemmings to do all those years ago. www.livescience.com/animals/land...

Our flag is gonna go from Red, White, and Blue to Orange, Orange, and Orange.

Kellyanne Conway normalized lying when she coined the term 'Alternative Facts'. It was permission to remove shame from deceit. Reality is whatever you want it to be if you shout down anyone that questions it. She gave assholes directions to the trailhead of the path that leads to today.

Gonna buy some stock in artificial knees and jaw bone prothesis with all the kneeling and deep-throating going on.

We're living a stretched-out version of that moment in the Battle of Yavin between being down to one ship and Han Solo's arrival.

Follow-up questions that journalists should always have at the ready: - What the fuck? - What the actual fuck? - No, seriously. What the fuck, fuck, actual fuck? - Have you stopped beating up America yet?

I see test patterns and the National Anthem nightly sign-off in the near future. All in black and white. Using rabbit ears.

Just ate a box of peanut M&M's realizing that "M&M's" is possessive and not plural. So, this candy has no name. Just a mark of ownership. 🤷 Not giving them back, fucker. I paid for them.

The new owners of PCH said they will ensure that future winners have complete confidence of getting their winnings. Past winners, however, can go suck an egg. Also, I thought Ed McMahon worked for PCH back in the day, but that's just Mandela affecting me. www.cnn.com/2025/09/16/b...

Everyone is talking about Sneakers on the anniversary of Hackers.

Spicy, spiked peach drink named, 'Hate Peach'. It's hard to swallow.

Trying my darndest to get myself kicked off of Nextdoor but no one seems to care that I post pictures of local roadkill demanding to know who did it. Squirrel. Who did it! Instead I get f'ing neighborhood detectives tracking down doorbell camera footage and open-sourcing a license plate database.

Well, someone just gained the nickname of 'crazy old dude'.

Got confused and gave someone a forehanded compliment about their backhead.

Oh man! I'm almost at 77 followers! Maybe today is the day!

No offense to Booker, but I think he may have helped Patel hold onto his job longer. Trump will be all like, 'oh..that guy thinks i'm gonna get rid of him? Well, then...I'll just keep him on.' Also, 'Trump will be all like...' sort of cracks me up that I wrote that. I'll try to do better.

Before comes After After.

TIL that an anagram for 'Nancy Mace' is 'Attention Whore'. See, I can make up facts too.

TIL it's half-staff when on land and half-mast when on a ship or at sea. So I guess I should be saying I am currently flying my flag at double-staff instead of double-mast.

Why do so many people want my help to name their cat?

Tim Meadows’ commitment to the bird-blindness running gag in Peacemaker just absolutely makes life worth living for another day or two.

Going to call the local tire shop to get a recommendation on where to eat tonight.

Whatever you do, AVOID UTAH. It is full of Mormon assassins.

Thought I lived in a relatively liberal/progressive area, but then I go on the Nextdoor App. Schools are too nice, schools don't need mental health programs, schools just need to budget better, etc... I'm sad.

Why so many people talking about the increased price of staples during this economic downturn? Why so much stapling going on? What am I missing?

Need to start flying flags at double mast as a palette cleanse.

Some seem desperate to make a martyr out of a molehill.

Can't seem to let go of my mental image of a dolphin giving birth to a little human being. ...and of the thought that I would probably name that little human being 'Gil' or 'Delphine'.

"We got him" is, I guess, technically correct...but Patel better send the dad a thank you card and, perhaps, a gift basket.

I just want to put a Jack-o-lantern bucket in Patel’s hand and tell him to have fun truck-or-treating.

Nuh-uh. Yuh-huh. This is what we hear a billion times a day now and why we are so mentally exhausted. Everybody shut the fuck up and go take a nap.

Well fuck. If the opening sequence for Peacemaker isn’t a goddamn delight, then I don’t know what is.

Patel is searching everywhere for the shooter. He’s looking high and low. Well, maybe just low. Because, y’know, he’s a short fucker. Joke delivered and explained!

A time traveler probably did it. Nipped it in the bud and then went back home to find Biff washing his truck.

Indifferent.

The "Axis of Evil" moniker was already taken, so the United States of America will be going with "Asses of Evil" for the remainder of this administration.

“Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away?“ Welp. Time to start another day. Cheers, all!

My enthusiasm for vaccines has not been curbed.

In retrospect (10 years ago), I probably didn't need to mention to the guy serving lunch at the daycare that his apron was covering up a portion of the words on his t-shirt. "I need a nap" honestly looked like "I need a nal" and I just could not say nothing.

Heathcliff's last name in Wuthering Heights is probably Huxtable.

The White House with windows is the new white van without windows.

Here's how you can see a facial expression I like to call 'confused hatred'... When someone calls you "Pumpkin'", respond in kind by calling them "Warts Galore".

New X-files episode: Fox and Mulder finding out Kash Patel is their new boss. They just sit around the office drinking and occasionally say things like, ‘WTF?’ and ‘seriously?’ and ‘I don’t want to believe it.’

Oh good, Alabama. The odds of one day getting a sequel to Hidden Figures have increased a bit.