CANCEL CULTURE is out of control. You can’t even make a JOKE anymore — without being cancelled by the Right.

Saw someone ride the bus without paying the fare today. SMH. This is why we need the national guard

I’m getting a piercing. Which is the gay side, the left or the right testicle?

I’m straight, except for guys who rev their motorcycles

I blame George Lucas for school shootings. That killing the younglings scene was prophetic

I hate when at the grocery store they ask if I wanna round up to support Israel

I hate those water fountains that tell you how many other water bottles they've filled. It's like, I don't need to know your water bottle body count you Hydro-Slut

I love Fall in NYC because the Leaves turn orange and so do the Jersey Girls' skin

If a girl goes to the beach, an instagram post is coming

Us straight men LOVE to see lesbian couples argue/fight/breakup. We use it as ammo that it’s all women’s fault.

If I was a celebrity 15 years ago, I would never have gone to Epstein’s Island. But I would’ve wanted to get the invite…cuz that’s how you know you MADE IT

I was shopping for sex toys yesterday, cuz I’m going to watch Caitlyn Clark play this week

If I have a kid, I plan to circumcise them. Nothing religious, I just want my child’s genitals to look like my wife’s

Never leave a child alone in a hot car with a bomb

This girl tried to buy merch after a show the other day and was like “sorry I don’t have cash” I was like, “no worries I take all forms of payment” She’s like, “oh okay do you have Zelle?” I was like, “oh I meant you can suck my dick”

Last night was CRAZY. I had like 4 shots — of Narcan

I think George Bush did October 7th

13% of people commit 90% of crimes — gun owners

I HATE waiting in line. A couple months ago I waited in this huge line — literally like 1,000 people. Waited 4 hours. I don’t know if Bonnie Blue was worth it

I'm getting into wine, like last night I had a fine white from the Bordeux region of France, aged 25 years. And we were drinking red wine.

I’ve been told I’m pretty ethnically ambiguous, so I’ve been wearing my glasses more, so ICE knows I’m Indian.

Why are small comedians scared of getting ‘CANCELLED’ over what jokes they put online? Getting CANCELLED is PRESS. WE NEED PRESS

“Why do you like your own posts” CUZ I LIKE THAT SHIT

Huda is the worst thing to ever happen to the Palestinian people

My friend got shot by the cops. It was his fault, he jumped the subway turnstile.

A Muslim dating a Catholic. We used to call it blasphemy, now we call it Love Island

A homeless guy asked me for $1 and I said dude sorry I don’t have any I gave it all to strippers

I don’t hate cults cuz I respect a startup

A Muslim marrying a Catholic. We used to call it blasphemy, now we call it Love Island

Dating a college girl and she went abroad this semester — well she was deported

I feel the way most republican senators do about abortion. I’m against it, but I’ve paid for many myself.

My friend is Muslim. He was converted in that place where they convert people to Islam — prison

I’ve been dating a single mother. Which is a first for me, usually I date multiple.

I don’t like when people tell me they’re doing long distance. Like I don’t need to know ur jerking off a lot

I got no problem with vegans, but don’t try to go out to eat with me. I’m not going to a restaurant with you. I don’t pull up to the strip club with an asexual

How come it’s okay to people watch but it’s not okay to watch one specific person

True crime documentaries are great cuz they’re like horror movies but they’re scarier because you know they’re true

Sexual orientation? I never went to it

Shirts Vs skins is NOT gay okay? I do it every single time I play chess

I’m an introvert, unless I’m on Molly, then I’m a LilUziVert

I always take my shoes off before going into my Asian friend’s house because he’s into feet

Why are the countries that eat ass the countries without bidets???

Sometimes you meet a girl IRL and she looks different than she did in her bedroom window

Everyone wants to watch their own funeral

Instead of photo albums Gen Alpha will have their old baby instagrams their parents made for them

I found 2gb of CP on my laptop last night. I didn’t know what to do. And then I remembered that last week, I lent that same laptop to my brother— and he must be the one who deleted some.

Gen Alpha kids after getting drafted for WW3: "Okay so who are the opps?"

Million dollar idea: Night at the Museum: Holocaust Museum

My Girl wanted to try In N Out Burger but she's bulimic so l'm like babe that's every burger for you

I would never hit a woman. That’s what I have my gun for