Jungle tip: On being attacked by an owl intent on pecking your eyes, slip on a pair of dark glasses. He will imagine that another owl has been there just before him and will sail off, with a disappointed hoot, ears alert for a short-tailed fieldmouse or other small rodent.

A blind man sat on the top of a tree and he sang in a voice like milk... "I'm looking for a beautiful girl" sang he "with brown hair and red cheeks. A lady who can climb trees and squeeze bees for their honey."

Today, absent-mindedly, I laid a Granny Smith. It was sold as "A extra large egg, two-and-thruppence for six." The lady took it back. "This is a Granny Smith!" "It is a extra large egg" he said. "Look at the marks." She boiled it. Then she took it back again.

My Father once had intercourse with a Polar bear in Canada. If you ask him this he will deny this. Not completely astonished. "Canada!" he will shout, in a restrained manner, playing for time.

"Where are we going Father?" I muttered, gazing at my sandals. "It's hypocrisy day" he replied "stop looking at you sandals and come on." We ran to the great square. Father melted into the background and I joined a queue of little hypocrites.

A man with a hand like a hammer was hanging a portrait of his wife.

Baby sits in the rusty bathtub, Waiting. Waiting for her mother's head to turn away. It turned away yesterday. Then she pushed her dummy up the tap.

Gooseberries and bilberries eaten in very large quantities will give you a pain in the stomach.