“My SEXUAL Awakening and Reju-vagination with Ms Frizzle” title of a romance novel wherein the magic school bus takes a ride on a colonoscopy camera

Can you imagine how the modern Republican Party would handle it if some crazy renowned actor shot the president at the premiere of avatar 3 and jumped down onto the stage and yelled some Navi shit and ran off

James Cameron eats an orange LIKE A MENACE Peels it only with his left hand and his teeth, cuts it up like he’s gonna make onion rings out of it, and finally eats half and leaves the rest in my shoe. Goddamn him right to hell

There’s a point in tron ares where Jared Leto rides a cyber jetski while nine inch nails blares in the background, and 2010-me would have been like, yeah that sounds about right, Barrack Obama is president. But 2025-me still kind of has a hard time believing it.

I never understand my lines in Avatar, I mean the little guy, at the start, with the bad legs, is he dead??

Well this is just great. I finally land the first non-avatar role in years, and then Trump throws out more tariffs threats. NCIS: Yukon Territory was going to be a turning point for my career. I am being told it’s being rewritten to be NCIS: ICE, starring Jeremy Renner :(

I have been told I am getting 3% of all sales of hemroid crème from the mid-trailer ad on YouTube today, so click away fuckers!

Yes I am keeping quiet on the Kimmel thing, yes it is because I am gunning for the job. If I work nights I might be able to make some cash while I wait for the avatar checks to roll in

The best thing for my mental health that I ever did was buy a jet ski

I’m making my own ikea, but it’s just the shitty end tables I’ve tried to make on the weekends. And it will have a restaurant, called The Hollywood Restaurant, serving terribly misshapen hamburgers, that are legally not just meatballs.

The ancient star people were nuts. Big Dipper: yep, nailed it. One that looks like a guy: alright, I can see it. Pisces: what the hell are you talking about.

I have no evidence for it but I believe with deep conviction that Zoe Saldana is a flat earther

I have been feeding my ficus la croix and now it’s Radiating Sexual Energy

Someday I will scream so loud It will blow up the sky

i’m drunk again (at ikea)

To the tune of that song my dad used to play when he was drunk: I slipped and fell in shit Oh yep! I slipped and fell and a fool of it Oh shit bedee bop!

Another Hollywood insider story Initially I brought a man I called my identical twin to the Avatar auditions. I was under the impression it was going to be shot Parent Trap-style, one in blue paint the other normal. I later learned that’s not how the Parent Trap worked

Avengers Civil War is a ridiculous picture. Iron man wants to check everybody’s search history but captain america won’t let him cause his friend is beating off to pictures of his dead mom

I can’t help but see some parallels between US and Canada’s trade negotiations and my own with Mr James Cameron. He says he’s cutting my pay by 30% unless the trailer gets 1 billion views, I say I won’t agree to any deal that doesn’t include money for taxis to my favorite bowling alley in LA

Pepsi people called me twice on Saturday, trying to work out times to shoot something. I was like, I’m drinking beer and watching shark week, call Stephen Lang lol

James Cameron says I need to sign off on 5 years of ads for Baja Blast or he’s replacing me with the Quebecois avatar for the trailer :( I think I’m going to say yes but idk :/

There have been 3 crew screenings of the rough cut of avatar 3 and I have had to piss in the middle of every single one. I don’t like it, but I do acknowledge my role in this

Penises are no good!

I’m not in a new movie, please don’t go see it, James Cameron deep faked my ass

So for the avatar 1 press tour, James Cameron, that duplicitous son of a bitch, told me that in America whenever you check the time and it’s 9:11 you have to salute. Yeah after the 3rd time of getting my ass beat at Ben and Jerry’s I got wise to the game

I love the spirit of google street view, sure have a guy just drive around the whole world and take pictures of alleyways, yeah sure, that might come in hand someday

Excuse me but everything is all very fucked up and I would just like to know why

People who align their chakras are always fucking doing it. Like if that shit worked you wouldn’t need be talking about it every time we’re talking about weekend plans. My dad had has knee replaced in 2011 and I haven’t heard shit about that since

It should be AGAINST THE LAW to do a bunch of weird shit

I’ll never forget Pope Francis. In 2009 he called me and he had this to say, “keep that smile up kid and you’re gonna have a bright future in this business” I later learned he meant to call Ray Romano about Ice Age. But hell, I took the compliment and I ran with it, got me where I am today

There’s a tear in my beer Cause my woman’s fuckin the Lindt chocolatier

Holy shit the tax breaks got all switched around because of Trump and now they are going to have the quebecois avatar ADR all of MY LINES for a new cut of Avatar 3!! Shit shit shit they are gonna take my sag card awayyy

James Cameron changed my name to “I am a eunuck” in the avatar 3 press tour planning chat and I don’t know how to change it back :(

We’re gonna look back at Roombas like the Mayan’s looked at Calendars

Really hoping they discover that whatever is in la croix makes your dick huge or something like that

When God takes a dump, I take a dump

I always hate when there’s a picture of a dinosaur and then like a tiny little human for size comparison, I mean come on I already feel like shit

The VFX team told me the amount of weight I gained between principal photography and reshoots was “computationally significant” :(

Sure James Cameron says he hates AI or whatever. We had an email chain where he was letting me pitch ideas for avatar 3, and 4 months in he lets it slip that he just copy/pastes them into ChatGPT with the prompt; “make him suffer”

She got that leftover pizza kinda pussy Eat it cold Heat it up Thin crust Deep dish

Do NOT go see Avatar 3, in the cut they have right now my stunt guy Derrick is in enough of my scenes that I am going to lose my SAG healthcare, again

You know when I first auditioned for avatar I did it in a pirate accent, which actually impressed James Cameron cause he thought it was some sort of power play

I’ve just been informed that ongoing US/Canada trade war means that the budget of Avatar 3 will need to be increased by 25%, and that will be coming right out of my paycheck. According to James Cameron I was chosen because I was “the most bitch-like” 😞

EXCUSE ME, Mr President; but I bought a box of Oreos, family size, and I CANNOT feed my family tonight

Yeah the other day I had 3 different monster hunters asking where the accursed bones of my evil grandmother lay. I just said, “well well well…”

A phone without a case is so sexy, yet unattainable. Anita Ekberg’s Sylvia comes to mind…

I’m making my own Megapolis but it’s about me trying to build a P.F. Chang’s in Canada

I wish I was that guy on YouTube that digs in the mud in total silence. I don’t want to be in Avatar 3-6

I dress like I go hiking but my biggest fear is meeting a beaver in the woods and it steals my soul

When I was 15 Bill Nye released a feature called “ Why you get Absolutely no Hoes” and mentioned me by name several times