“He could’ve run for president.” Do you reckon someone in the future finally got a Time Machine working?

You get to go back in time and only say 3 words to your younger self. What do you say?

Never forget that before women had divorce, they had poison.

Currently on a train from York to London: There was someone in my seat who was adamant that I was wrong. It took a group (A GROUP!) of people to explain how seat numbers work. He reluctantly ended up moving to the seat opposite. Is he crazy or high? Stay tuned to find out.

Fun Fact: Ralph Ineson just became the first actor to appear on screen as a named character in both the Marvel Cinematic Universe (37 films) AND the Harry Potter series (8 films) Galactus (The Fantastic Four: First Steps) and Amycus Carrow (Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows)

Happy Constitution Day to all my Norwegian friends. And to celebrate, here is a biblically accurate NORwegian flag:

I will never know how to react when a man starts dancing to S-Club 7 in front of me in line for a sandwich…

Why do we keep using :O to represent shock 😮 when we have a perfectly valid ö right there?!

I don’t trust people who make an effort to look good when travelling. Just accept it, and look like crap like the rest of us!

I’m going to start bulk buying and carrying round cheap earphones. So I can give them to the poor, underprivileged people who are forced to make phone calls and watch videos at full volume in public. Unrelated, anyone know where I can get custom printed earphones that say “DON’T BE A DICK!”

There is also a special place in hell for people that have loud phone calls on speaker SAT NEXT TO ME ON THE PLANE! [we haven’t taken off yet but still…]

Could Thor put his hammer down on a boat? Urgent.

I did a thing.

Hey friends! 🇺🇸 Tonight is my US TV debut! 😬 Friends in America - keep an eye out on The CW for tonight’s episode of Penn & Teller: Fool Us! We filmed this back in July, and I’ve been SO excited about it since!! (UK & “other” friends: it’ll be on YouTube by the time you wake up 😅) ⬜️

What do you mean “save your address”? Doesn’t everyone just message you to ask for your address every time I visit?

“The fourth pig’s house was built from wolf skulls. It wasn’t as sturdy, but it sent a message.”

There is a special place in hell for people that say “7am in the morning” or “9pm in the evening”.

My Uber driver was listening to an audiobook for the 40 minute trip this morning. That’s weird and I can’t work out why… answers on a postcard please.

Fun Christmas Fact: Did you know people that go around saying “Die Hard is a Christmas movie” are very lonely and often have no personality Merry Christmas all.

Spending Friday the 13th in the Bermuda Triangle with a storm brewing… wish me luck! 😬

Has there ever been a movie remake better than the original? Genuine question.

Am I using this app right?

Anyone good with anagrams? I’m in desperate need of an anagram for the words “SAY DIANE” Any ideas?

Please don’t forget that tonight, the clocks go forwards. If your clock is going backwards, please consider getting a new clock.