Alyssa Gonzalez
@fishlyssa.bsky.social
๐ค 164
๐ฅ 77
๐ 71
Author, writer, and enthusiast for all lifeforms.
https://bio.site/alyssacgonzalez
Every time someone learns the etymology of "galaxy" they're awed anew at the breast-focusedness of the human race and I'm just here like, listen, the word comes from ancient Greece. We are LUCKY milk is the fluid they latched onto for this one.
5 months ago
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I describe the act of peeling the bark off a tree with a wood planer as preparation for eating that entire tree and this man begs me to perform that act on his genitals. It's amazing.
www.patreon.com/posts/ill-ea...
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I'll Eat Your Tree | Alyssa Gonzalez
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https://www.patreon.com/posts/ill-eat-your-131712456?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
8 months ago
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I can think of better uses for a gorgeous June morning than a lingerie photoshoot on my balcony, but this is the one I picked. Enjoy :)
www.patreon.com/posts/sunlig...
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Sunlight in Green | Alyssa Gonzalez
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https://www.patreon.com/posts/sunlight-in-130998729?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
8 months ago
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The barrel shrimp has quite the secret when it comes to parenting. Inquire within.
www.patreon.com/posts/to-bor...
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To Borrow an Unseen Nursery: Phronima | Alyssa Gonzalez
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https://www.patreon.com/posts/to-borrow-unseen-130965558?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
8 months ago
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Interested in my thoughts on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine? I'm in this fine book of essays by
ATBPublishing.com
:D Pre-order yours today!
9 months ago
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What am I wearing under my lab coat during this session of aquarium maintenance? I bet you'd like to see.
www.patreon.com/posts/mainta...
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Maintaining the Wet | Alyssa Gonzalez
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https://www.patreon.com/posts/maintaining-wet-128698065?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
9 months ago
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They told Pete Hegseth not to try to run Doom on his Tesla-issue brainchip, so he ran War Thunder instead.
10 months ago
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I hope whichever necromancer intern resurrected RFK Jr. in 2008 knows that the new chapter on just how wrongly a person can come back is being written because of them specifically.
10 months ago
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One day, we will find the haunted doll abattoir that disgorged JD Vance, and we will make sure there is no second body available for his soul to claim.
10 months ago
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We talk about mono-poly relationships all wrong, in ways that fly in the face of how we talk about nonmonogamy elsewhere.
www.patreon.com/posts/we-tal...
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We Talk About Mono-Poly Relationships All Wrong | Alyssa Gonzalez
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https://www.patreon.com/posts/we-talk-about-126160733?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
10 months ago
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I reviewed the current Conservative Party of Canada platform. Here are the most awful bits quoted directly out of it. The character limit here is too low for my tastes, so head on over to
www.facebook.com/fishlyssa/po...
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Alyssa Gonzalez
For the curious, this link leads to the most recent Conservative Party of Canada policy statement. Page references below are to actual pages in the document, not the internal pagination. Page 14:...
https://www.facebook.com/fishlyssa/posts/pfbid024po7aUhabZRRgQa5qS6fyX7AbRcJZJxnfBEEKnmXNK3kZL89Uk5uRLRqtfw28kL9l
11 months ago
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Every time someone describes something as "meant" for/to something, there should be one question at the top of your mind: Meant by whom?
11 months ago
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A medieval wine merchant from Vienna, aghast: "So my profession AND my demonym?" "Yes, both of them." "Because of sausage?" "Yes."
12 months ago
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You don't want to live in Miami. Take it from me.
www.patreon.com/posts/you-do...
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You Don't Want to Live in Miami | Alyssa Gonzalez
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https://www.patreon.com/posts/you-dont-want-to-121892385?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
12 months ago
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I wear red bikinis sometimes.
www.patreon.com/posts/winter...
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Winter Heat | Alyssa Gonzalez
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https://www.patreon.com/posts/winter-heat-121445531?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
about 1 year ago
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Optimus Prime is a truck that turns into a giant red, white, and blue robot with a gun, a habit of heroically sacrificing himself and resurrecting, and a catchphrase about freedom. He is the most American thing imaginable that isn't a bald eagle who sprouts beefy arms after eating cheeseburgers.
about 1 year ago
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Excellent out-of-context line from fish hobby groups: "You can order assassins on eBay for a reasonable price."
about 1 year ago
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As I pour my Rochester-brand Scottish root ginger into my ginger and sorrel tea and contemplate stirring in some powdered ginger, and remember the multiple boxes of Celebration-brand chocolate gingerbread cookies I inhaled this week, I get to thinking... I sure do like cilantro.
about 1 year ago
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"How Far the Light Reaches: A Life in Ten Sea Creatures" by Sabrina Imbler. I had thoughts.
www.patreon.com/posts/how-fa...
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How Far the Light Reaches: A Review | Alyssa Gonzalez
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https://www.patreon.com/posts/how-far-light-119156035?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
about 1 year ago
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Jordan Peterson is the physical manifestation of Ben Shapiro attempting to sext.
about 1 year ago
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In our cyberpunk future, "child evangelism" refers to a religion centered on making gel from orphans named Evan.
about 1 year ago
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In which a man speaks to me of lambs, and I oblige him most confusingly.
www.patreon.com/posts/mutton...
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The Mutton of Our Salvation | Alyssa Gonzalez
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https://www.patreon.com/posts/mutton-of-our-117784481?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
about 1 year ago
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The funniest thing that could happen in relation to current events is Timothee Chalemet transitioning tomorrow, and then ten years from now, Tiffanee Chalemet tells us that she did in that United Health CEO as Timothee's last hurrah.
about 1 year ago
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Beetles and butterflies can be spectacular, but they are not the whole story, and seeing the bigger picture shows us something about time.
the-orbit.net/alyssa/2024/...
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The Larva Is What Time Sees โข The Perfumed Void
https://the-orbit.net/alyssa/2024/12/07/the-larva-is-what-time-sees/
about 1 year ago
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The Poly Podcast interviewed me :) Enjoy wherever you enjoy your podcasts.
open.spotify.com/episode/0Yrd...
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Neurodiversity And Non-Monogamy feat. Alyssa Gonzalez
The Poly (Pod)Cast ยท Episode
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0YrdjwG3IbX42MWmUBvf63
about 1 year ago
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Just got today's scam caller to call me a "cock-suck" and claim "I fucked your wife nine times." He then hung up on me in a huff when I responded, "Hot! I'll have to ask her about it."
about 1 year ago
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"It's the darnedest thing. I punched him and his entire body exploded into Tysons-brand frozen chicken nuggets." - stories from a better world.
about 1 year ago
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It is disgraceful that I didn't wake up to news of Mike Tyson cleanly decapitating whichever Paul brother that was in a single punch.
about 1 year ago
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I described this man's penis as a hedgehog wrapped in soggy bacon. He came back for more.
www.patreon.com/posts/hamste...
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Hamsterdumper Needs Help Putting a Beaver in his Urethra | Alyssa Gonzalez
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https://www.patreon.com/posts/hamsterdumper-in-115858380?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
about 1 year ago
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A summery treat for my Patreon lovelies :) Enjoy!
www.patreon.com/posts/one-la...
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One Last Vacation Shoot | Alyssa Gonzalez
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about 1 year ago
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Carling Avenue is the worst, but it could be among the best. And I wish the pedestrians giving me shit for cycling here understood that.
www.patreon.com/posts/sidewa...
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Sidewalk Shares and the Curse that is Carling Avenue | Alyssa Gonzalez
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https://www.patreon.com/posts/sidewalk-shares-110522468?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
over 1 year ago
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I got this chaser to sext with a side of beef and then come back for more.
www.patreon.com/posts/captai...
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Captain Beefchaser Doesn't Pay the Parker | Alyssa Gonzalez
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over 1 year ago
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Behold, the natural history of an AI-image-engine abomination. Enjoy.
www.patreon.com/posts/natura...
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Natural History of the Lady Centipede | Alyssa Gonzalez
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https://www.patreon.com/posts/natural-history-108489625?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
over 1 year ago
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I talked to this man about boils for 15 minutes and still he lusted for me. Men are not sending their best to my inbox specifically.
www.patreon.com/posts/my-pri...
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My Prince of Boils | Alyssa Gonzalez
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https://www.patreon.com/posts/my-prince-of-107646153?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
over 1 year ago
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I got crabs :D
the-orbit.net/alyssa/2024/...
Enjoy this story of setting up my new riparium.
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Paludarium 3: Return of the Crab โข The Perfumed Void
https://the-orbit.net/alyssa/2024/06/12/paludarium-3-return-of-the-crab/
over 1 year ago
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Sometimes, I get my rocks off by antagonizing missionaries in public places. It's SUCH a good way to blow off steam. Here's a summary of my last encounter.
www.patreon.com/posts/missio...
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Missionaries in the Park | Alyssa Gonzalez
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https://www.patreon.com/posts/missionaries-in-105601841?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
over 1 year ago
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Ottawa public transit needs to stop making me walk in the rain. It'd be so easy, and yet.
the-orbit.net/alyssa/2024/...
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Transit Stations to Insult and Dampen, or, Stop Making Me Walk in the Rain โข The Perfumed Void
https://the-orbit.net/alyssa/2024/05/17/transit-stations-to-insult-and-dampen-or-stop-making-me-walk-in-the-rain/
over 1 year ago
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When an obnoxious missionary calling himself "Gesus Qkrist" appears in your inbox, you know what must be done.
www.patreon.com/posts/gesus-...
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Gesus Qkrist! | Alyssa Gonzalez
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https://www.patreon.com/posts/gesus-qkrist-104265090?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
over 1 year ago
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Sorry for the holdup, my friends; it's been a profoundly rough month. Enjoy :)
www.patreon.com/posts/sassy-...
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A Sassy Little Dress | Alyssa Gonzalez
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over 1 year ago
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I finally know how to make ropa vieja and my Cuban-descended heart rejoices.
www.patreon.com/posts/ropa-v...
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Ropa Vieja, Alyssa Style | Alyssa Gonzalez
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almost 2 years ago
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I used some excellent lines on this rando and also compared his genitals to brutalized marine mammals. Enjoy.
www.patreon.com/posts/apocal...
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The Apocalypse of My Hands Shall Ruin Your Supine Flesh | Alyssa Gonzalez
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https://www.patreon.com/posts/apocalypse-of-my-102428759?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
almost 2 years ago
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Bikini goodness for the fans :) You know who you are.
www.patreon.com/posts/sun-an...
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Sun and More Sun | Alyssa Gonzalez
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https://www.patreon.com/posts/sun-and-more-sun-102163198?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
almost 2 years ago
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I've been antagonizing the random men in my Facebook and Instagram inboxes for a long time. Here's what I've learned about the internet's horny underbelly.
www.patreon.com/posts/rando-...
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https://www.patreon.com/posts/rando-farming-101206710?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
almost 2 years ago
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A detective is solving a murder in a sperm bank. She gestures to a vial and instructs the crime scene investigators, "get a guy of this load."
almost 2 years ago
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Send the group chat something utterly cursed during a post-wholesome lull. Call that a palate soiler.
almost 2 years ago
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This random Algerian man is desperate to marry a fungus monster that is also, somehow, the last queen of Hungary (who died in 1989) and a rabid Hungarian irredentist. He also sent his queen a lot of dick pics. Enjoy.
www.patreon.com/posts/queen-...
almost 2 years ago
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The great thing about organic chemistry is that you have a cabinet of 500 kinds of white powder and another cabinet of 30 kinds of transparent liquid and if you mix any of them up they have to evacuate the building.
almost 2 years ago
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A beachy little cosplay treat for my patrons :) Get the rest of this photoshoot and all my past and future shoots for $1/month.
www.patreon.com/posts/sun-sa...
almost 2 years ago
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"Sorry sorry sorry, awkwardness comes with the territory." "Hi. I'm the territory."
almost 2 years ago
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I did a boudoir photoshoot recently and it seemed like a suitably gift for my patrons. Enjoy!
www.patreon.com/posts/profes...
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Professional Boudoir | Alyssa Gonzalez
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https://www.patreon.com/posts/professional-98292570?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
almost 2 years ago
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