Every time someone learns the etymology of "galaxy" they're awed anew at the breast-focusedness of the human race and I'm just here like, listen, the word comes from ancient Greece. We are LUCKY milk is the fluid they latched onto for this one.

I describe the act of peeling the bark off a tree with a wood planer as preparation for eating that entire tree and this man begs me to perform that act on his genitals. It's amazing. www.patreon.com/posts/ill-ea...

I can think of better uses for a gorgeous June morning than a lingerie photoshoot on my balcony, but this is the one I picked. Enjoy :) www.patreon.com/posts/sunlig...

The barrel shrimp has quite the secret when it comes to parenting. Inquire within. www.patreon.com/posts/to-bor...

Interested in my thoughts on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine? I'm in this fine book of essays by ATBPublishing.com :D Pre-order yours today!

What am I wearing under my lab coat during this session of aquarium maintenance? I bet you'd like to see. www.patreon.com/posts/mainta...

They told Pete Hegseth not to try to run Doom on his Tesla-issue brainchip, so he ran War Thunder instead.

I hope whichever necromancer intern resurrected RFK Jr. in 2008 knows that the new chapter on just how wrongly a person can come back is being written because of them specifically.

One day, we will find the haunted doll abattoir that disgorged JD Vance, and we will make sure there is no second body available for his soul to claim.

We talk about mono-poly relationships all wrong, in ways that fly in the face of how we talk about nonmonogamy elsewhere. www.patreon.com/posts/we-tal...

I reviewed the current Conservative Party of Canada platform. Here are the most awful bits quoted directly out of it. The character limit here is too low for my tastes, so head on over to www.facebook.com/fishlyssa/po...

Every time someone describes something as "meant" for/to something, there should be one question at the top of your mind: Meant by whom?

A medieval wine merchant from Vienna, aghast: "So my profession AND my demonym?" "Yes, both of them." "Because of sausage?" "Yes."

You don't want to live in Miami. Take it from me. www.patreon.com/posts/you-do...

I wear red bikinis sometimes. www.patreon.com/posts/winter...

Optimus Prime is a truck that turns into a giant red, white, and blue robot with a gun, a habit of heroically sacrificing himself and resurrecting, and a catchphrase about freedom. He is the most American thing imaginable that isn't a bald eagle who sprouts beefy arms after eating cheeseburgers.

Excellent out-of-context line from fish hobby groups: "You can order assassins on eBay for a reasonable price."

As I pour my Rochester-brand Scottish root ginger into my ginger and sorrel tea and contemplate stirring in some powdered ginger, and remember the multiple boxes of Celebration-brand chocolate gingerbread cookies I inhaled this week, I get to thinking... I sure do like cilantro.

"How Far the Light Reaches: A Life in Ten Sea Creatures" by Sabrina Imbler. I had thoughts. www.patreon.com/posts/how-fa...

Jordan Peterson is the physical manifestation of Ben Shapiro attempting to sext.

In our cyberpunk future, "child evangelism" refers to a religion centered on making gel from orphans named Evan.

In which a man speaks to me of lambs, and I oblige him most confusingly. www.patreon.com/posts/mutton...

The funniest thing that could happen in relation to current events is Timothee Chalemet transitioning tomorrow, and then ten years from now, Tiffanee Chalemet tells us that she did in that United Health CEO as Timothee's last hurrah.

Beetles and butterflies can be spectacular, but they are not the whole story, and seeing the bigger picture shows us something about time. the-orbit.net/alyssa/2024/...

The Poly Podcast interviewed me :) Enjoy wherever you enjoy your podcasts. open.spotify.com/episode/0Yrd...

Just got today's scam caller to call me a "cock-suck" and claim "I fucked your wife nine times." He then hung up on me in a huff when I responded, "Hot! I'll have to ask her about it."

"It's the darnedest thing. I punched him and his entire body exploded into Tysons-brand frozen chicken nuggets." - stories from a better world.

It is disgraceful that I didn't wake up to news of Mike Tyson cleanly decapitating whichever Paul brother that was in a single punch.

I described this man's penis as a hedgehog wrapped in soggy bacon. He came back for more. www.patreon.com/posts/hamste...

A summery treat for my Patreon lovelies :) Enjoy! www.patreon.com/posts/one-la...

Carling Avenue is the worst, but it could be among the best. And I wish the pedestrians giving me shit for cycling here understood that. www.patreon.com/posts/sidewa...

I got this chaser to sext with a side of beef and then come back for more. www.patreon.com/posts/captai...

Behold, the natural history of an AI-image-engine abomination. Enjoy. www.patreon.com/posts/natura...

I talked to this man about boils for 15 minutes and still he lusted for me. Men are not sending their best to my inbox specifically. www.patreon.com/posts/my-pri...

I got crabs :D the-orbit.net/alyssa/2024/... Enjoy this story of setting up my new riparium.

Sometimes, I get my rocks off by antagonizing missionaries in public places. It's SUCH a good way to blow off steam. Here's a summary of my last encounter. www.patreon.com/posts/missio...

Ottawa public transit needs to stop making me walk in the rain. It'd be so easy, and yet. the-orbit.net/alyssa/2024/...

When an obnoxious missionary calling himself "Gesus Qkrist" appears in your inbox, you know what must be done. www.patreon.com/posts/gesus-...

Sorry for the holdup, my friends; it's been a profoundly rough month. Enjoy :) www.patreon.com/posts/sassy-...

I finally know how to make ropa vieja and my Cuban-descended heart rejoices. www.patreon.com/posts/ropa-v...

I used some excellent lines on this rando and also compared his genitals to brutalized marine mammals. Enjoy. www.patreon.com/posts/apocal...

Bikini goodness for the fans :) You know who you are. www.patreon.com/posts/sun-an...

I've been antagonizing the random men in my Facebook and Instagram inboxes for a long time. Here's what I've learned about the internet's horny underbelly. www.patreon.com/posts/rando-...

A detective is solving a murder in a sperm bank. She gestures to a vial and instructs the crime scene investigators, "get a guy of this load."

Send the group chat something utterly cursed during a post-wholesome lull. Call that a palate soiler.

This random Algerian man is desperate to marry a fungus monster that is also, somehow, the last queen of Hungary (who died in 1989) and a rabid Hungarian irredentist. He also sent his queen a lot of dick pics. Enjoy. www.patreon.com/posts/queen-...

The great thing about organic chemistry is that you have a cabinet of 500 kinds of white powder and another cabinet of 30 kinds of transparent liquid and if you mix any of them up they have to evacuate the building.

A beachy little cosplay treat for my patrons :) Get the rest of this photoshoot and all my past and future shoots for $1/month. www.patreon.com/posts/sun-sa...

"Sorry sorry sorry, awkwardness comes with the territory." "Hi. I'm the territory."

I did a boudoir photoshoot recently and it seemed like a suitably gift for my patrons. Enjoy! www.patreon.com/posts/profes...