I went to a McDonalds drive thru yesterday. When asked what would I like to order, I replied "Surprise me, I never get what I ask for anyway" 🫤

I asked my wife if the same person who discovered and named bedbugs is the same person who discovered and named cockroaches. She replied "you need help". 🙄

One of the reasons I married my wife was for her looks.... but definitely not the ones she's been giving me lately. 🫤

If my memory gets any worse, I could plan my own surprise party. 😒

Funeral etiquette #21: Do not take the bouquet of flowers off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next. 🫤

I can't believe it. I came home from work to find my kids have been on eBay ALL day. If they are still on it tomorrow, I have to lower the price. 🙄

I'm not trying to brag or anything but everyday my credit card company calls to tell me I have an OUTSTANDING balance. It was easy to achieve. 👍

My family is like a new software update, every time I see them I say "Not now." 😏

The other day, I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you."... everyone's a comedian... 🫤

My kids treat me like a God. They ignore me until they need something. ☹️

The other day in a bar, I was drinking a rum and coke when the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed—well, everyone except one person. 🫤

Did you know? You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving a second time. 🤔

I asaked my wife the other day..."will you still love me when I'm old, fat, and bald?" she replied... "of course I do" ☹️

I asked chatgpt... "why was I single for so long?" and it activated the front camera on my phone. WTF? 🫤

I guess that's one way to not have a planned family... 😏

My witty co-worker thought he would poke fun at me and asked, "If I had sex with your wife, would that make us related?", I replied, "Nah, that would just make us even." 🙂

Yesterday, I took my wife to a nice resturant and held the door open for a lady. My wife said, "You've never held the door open for me!!" ....."Really? What about the time you threatened to leave me?"... I said... on the inside. On the outside I said "I'm sorry honey, I will be a better husband." 🫤

While at a bar, a lady sitting on the stool next to me slid a bowl of peanuts to me. After eating some, I asked if she wanted any. She said, "Oh no, honey. they hurt my teeth. I just like the chocolate that surrounds them." 🤢

Domestic Survival Tip #39: Fellas, if your wife calls to tell you the dishwasher is leaking... DO NOT go home and hand her a box of tampons. (A tested and proven fact!!!) 🤕

Pffft... my wife said I was a cheapskate. Just to show her... I took her out and she got to choose from a buffet of juice, cookies, crackers, fruit, juice, and pretzels. It was also entertaining to watch as she has never given blood before. 👍

@tammyjo408.bsky.social Thank you for all that you do to bring our community together! 👊🐾💙 #StrongerTogether go.bsky.app/Ch73P5L

I have just released two new packs of blue fighters. The current events in LA push us to organize and face the challenges brought to us by autocrats. United we stand with conviction and strength, our movement is strong and unstoppable. Please follow/share. go.bsky.app/LiPW9QW go.bsky.app/RY78GN4

I took my kids to the zoo last week. I'm going back sometime this week to see how well they settled in. 🫤

Domestic survival tip #34: Fellas, if your wife ever tells you to go to the drug store to purchase something that will help with your erection.... DO NOT return with diet pills for her. 🤕

I passed the craziest protest yesterday. A group of people were on a street corner with paper signs saying "Save the trees". ... ummm paper signs... 🤔

I took my wife to a nice resturant as part of our 28th wedding anniversary. An hour into the meal, my wife says, "Tell me you love me"... I said, "For fks sake woman, Give me a break.. I'm only on my 2nd beer." ... I guess this was not the response to use... 🫤

I went to a family reunion and spoke with absolutely no one the entire time. I didn't know the family or anyone there but they had some awesome potato salad. 👍

My wife was chatting with her friends about people who were famous. My wife turned to me as I walked by and asked, "When are you ever going to become famous?", I said, "Probably when they start finding the bodies." .... finally the henhouse got quiet for a sec... 👍

I told my wife the other night, "You always blame me when things go wrong." She said, "And who's fault is that?" ...WTF? 🤔

It's so embarrassing of how weak my friends are when it comes to holding their liquor. The other night, they dropped me twice while carrying me to my car. 🤕

Whoever said "out of sight, out of mind" has never had a spider disappear under the bed blanket. 🫤

Domestic Survival Tip #146: Guys, when your wife checks the bank account and tells you it is overdrawn... DO NOT respond with "So are your eyebrows"... 🤕

Domestic Survival Tip #145: Fellas, when your wife says she needs a new broom... DO NOT ask is it because she forgot where she parked the last one. 🤔

Domestic Survival Tip #142: Fellas, when you're wife is lying in bed at night and getting angry because the phone is set to face recognition and it doesn't recognize her without her makeup on.... "Blame the phone!!!" ... Sleep tight and you're welcome. 😉

One difference between my wife and I is if she says "smell this," it usually smells nice. Me? not so much...🫤

You know times are a-changing when strippers used to use expensive names like Mercedes or Diamond and now they get introduced as Gas and Eggs. 🫤

Health tip #132: Whenever your wife is angry with you... DO NOT drape a large towel around her neck and say, "Now you're super angry." 🤕

My wife texted me today. She said "Wish you were here." She does that everytime she's at the cemetary. Hmmm...... 🤔

My co-worker told my boss that I won't be at work for a few days due to an injury. My boss said... but I just saw him last night at a club dancing with a girl. My co-worker replied... yeah, so did his wife. 🫤

I heard that during sex, you burn as many calories as if you had just run 5 miles. My wife said I hold the fastest 5 mile run ever. Ummm... thanks? 🤔

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday... she said a divorce. I said fk that, I'm not spending that much. 🫤

My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things in her ear, so I said, "Kitchen, Bathroom, and Laundry." Ha, jokes on her, winters over so it's not so bad having to sleep outside. 🙂

I met my wife in a singles bar. We locked eyes and I suddenly felt uncomfortable because I thought she was at home with the kids. 🫤

Frikin Covid changed alot of ways businesses behave. The other day I got an email with the subject of knock onock. Turned out to be a Jehovah Witness working from home. 🙄

Even in the hospital, my mother-in-law nags me. She overheard me tell my wife about the poor phone signal in the hospital and the nag proceeds to tell me how I was too reliant on technology for my existance. "Really?"... I said as I toyed around with the plug that powered her ventilator... 😏

Behind every angry woman is a man who has no idea what he did to piss her off. 🙄

At a backyard cookout, my friend said onions are the only food that can make him cry, so I hit him with a coconut. 🫤

My friends wife took a pregnancy test 3x and they all came back positive. After the third positive, she started crying and asked, how are we going to raise 3 more kids? 🙄

My wife and I got into an argument and she told me to get the fk out. While I started to leave, she said, I hope you die a long painful death. I turned around and said, oh, so now you want me to stay? 🫤

Why does it seem the only secured document in Washington is the Epstein list? 🤔