Love to get a "SAFETY UPDATE" email from my kids principal that turns out to be a rabid fox sighting.

*The "Mike Hope Alarm" starts beeping inside the Orioles Clubhouse* [All, in unison]: TO THE LOSE GAMES DUMBLY-MOBILE!!!!

Why are the nation's least masculine men so obsessed with james talarico. ted cruz looks and sounds like randall weems.

Being from somewhere is largely performative for the middle class. Old bay goldfish. Things of that nature. Who gives a shit. We all talk like nickelodeon sitcom characters and eat whatever ConAgra puts on the shelf.

Mulberries are falling like rain in our yard and the deer are gorging themselves. There's more poop than grass in some places.

Well i just won Niall Horan tickets on the college of knowledge on 101.9

Now that the weather is finally warm we have at least one scooter crash in the ICU at any given time. Doing 28 mph with no gear and following the same rules as when scooters went 9mph is not smart!

When Bush dodged those shoes you can see this look on his face in the aftermath like "finally... something i'm good at"

Whichever anesthesiologist though giving methadone to people in the OR was going to get them in the NEJM needs to meet me on Lombard street for a fucking fist fight

Mike Bibby fell the fuck off.

Ben Gibbard you are only 49 there is still time for you to make albums about one and possibly two more divorces.

I will drive this hospital into bankruptcy drinking the 8 oz diet shastas intended for patients.

Dave Chapelle is at CFG on friday in case you want to listen to no jokes for an hour.

Damn dude this is really happening

Gratitude post: just bought a borderline hoarder house AND moved my mom out of her place so the FREE household hazardous waste dropoff today was fucking heroic. Liquids from the 90s are in shambles right now. Sheds are sparkling.

Why are the Orioles playing well. Every other time i check on them they just won a division game by 7 runs.

If you spent the last 20 years calling David Brooks shallow legacy media regarded you basically as a terrorist. But now he says you were right. So what do you get for being right? A staff job? A hearty handshake? No, you get force fed more slop.

Same loser said bluesky was a bubble bc trump had a 52% approval for a week in january 2025.

I love living in a place where a non insignificant % of the population has fuck all to do when they wake up except ruin things for everyone they come across all day.

Today i learned the literal translation of the word zeitgeist is "time ghost"

The brasilian teen ran out of steam at roland garros before i put my son onto him. So i guess we are spared the disappointment. Hopefully he goes deep at Wimbledon.

When i was like 12 or 13 i covered myself in mud warpaint while i was playing in a forrest but it turned out i put poison ivy in the mud and my entire torso broke out in blisters.

I find Nate Bargatze's stand up very funny and i am not reveling in the failure of his movie although it did look awful from the trailers.

I am completely baffled at the reappearance of Spencer Pratt in my field of attention. As i recall he was known for being extremely lame while in a relationship with some kind of famous hag. My last memory of him is claiming he was the best rapper in the world on Letterman in roughly 2003, 2004.

Just closed the tab for my son's soccer team dashboard for the first time in 3 yrs.

Good evening.

The other friend in Billy Madison - who was he. Why was he in that movie. Why wasnt he in any other films.

Good Morning.

It should be illegal to get an admission on your last day before vacation.

They sropped the light rail at north ave to add another car for the Os game and broke the fucking train

I think the drought in maryland will be substantially reduced next time they update it. <- old guy tweet

if u live in Garden Grove you can go home again.

Cargo shorts and a crappy t shirt it is

You can yell at your kids without turning them into school shooters

bc of the new Odyssey movie the 2004 film Troy is being brought up a lot. Part of the reason that movie failed to register an emotional impact is that they straight washed Patroclus from being Achilles's husband to being his cousin. I like my cousins but i am not going into a blind rage over them.

LITE A FINE PILSNER 🌾🌾 BEER (non reactionary reasons)

this is my first chance to watch a Notre Dame game this year, this appears to be their first season without a Kavanaugh brother since [checks notes]... 1997?

Princeton sent Duke to hell. Interesting what types of things my hatred of Duke can make me like. Princeton sucks. Ted Cruz went there. Fuck them. But i am happy they beat Duke.

Most of my anecdotes involving miller lite are not suitable to publish in a publication as august as the atlantic.

Its incredible how the light rail will simply cease to run with no notice, no alert, nothing. It just goes away at like 7 some days.

NYT: Dealmaker Trump's New Obsession: Numbers

Im being told Russia ran crying back to twitter, face red and puffy, snot pouring forth from both nostrils, after people on bluesky replied that they didnt agree with the posts.

Had a dream about being back at my old office job for the first time in months. I was on the verge of tears in the dream. Felt amazing to wake up. Like the time i dreamt about having no teeth.

The light rail was cocked up beyond belief last night so i took a Lyft home. This guy did more baltimore driver shit in one trip than i do in a year. Scrolled IG at reds, took a facetime call, passed in the shoulder on 83, missed our exit and went left on a red.

Yesterday a US Postal Service clerk from Baltimore was sentenced for stealing $700k worth of checks. He literally just grabbed checks out of the mail and deposited them in his personal acct for a year.

Can anything just not suck

Next week is my son's final soccer practice and i think i will ceremonially deposit the 8 and a half pounds of shredded rubber pellets lining the floor of my car back on the turf field from whence they came.

For a few years back in the early teens left wing people on twitter started calling literally every aspect of culture and politics they didnt like classical liberalism and it was extremely bewildering.

Everyone can see how deranged and stupid these people are. I think the frustration comes from the absence of any authoritative voice that can say to us all, benevolently but offering no to space to be questioned, "These people are deranged and stupid."