Today I applied for a role that lists “Best Office Equipment” as a perk.

watching the BBC version of utopia (it’s good) it’s one of those cases where the creepy bad guy finally explains the purpose of his project, and i’m like.. do you have a brochure?

That thing when you have some 30 minute low-key drone track going on in the background driving you batty, but you have too many windows open so you can't find it to turn it off.

I’m a human. I’m also a copywriter. Turns out humans are pretty good at talking to other humans. i can help you do that: gregtommills.myportfolio.com

I just want the world to be full of good things again. You do too. So let’s make something people don’t ignore. Portfolio: gregtommills.myportfolio.com

the pitch here is that it’s horse meat, but it tastes like whale meat

I need help. I’m a creative strategist | copywriter, and I’m looking for work. It's boring, I know. Sorry. My portfolio is here: gregtommills.myportfolio.com. Thank you.

if you work in #humanresources or #recruiting you are a fucking piece of shit. you’re like a #healthinsurance executive at this point

the Aaron Sorkin Masterclass is different from what I expected

step one: seduce a live raccoon

GREAT NEWS! I'm available for work. Just wrapped a project. If you need a creative thinker who is ME — I’m available and I’m your dude. gregtommills.myportfolio.com

caillou, but scored by angine de poitrine

D. J. Khalid! John Cage, y’all! 4’33”!

trump should release the epstein files to distract from oil prices

New episode dropped! Hella Ups and Downs! It's all about Northern California Amusement Parks! open.substack.com/pub/itsjustt...

Noted Irish hard man and poet Phil Lynott wishes you a bountiful Saint Patrick’s

I think suing aliens would be hard, because their shiny jumpsuits would do a lot to get the jury on their side.

(Tied to a chair in a empty room, lit by a single bare lightbulb) "I'M TELLING YOU, I CAN'T REMEMBER." "Well, we do have a certain tool for helping scum like you remember things. Officer... fetch the MADELEINE."

give a man a fish he will eat for a day. give a man fish dna and you will create an abomination that will beg you “please kill me” from its tank in the back of an illegal lab.

"Scamper! Scamper for your king, o spaniels!" -- King Charles I

Suspect is a white male, wearing Apple Bottom Jeans, boots with the fur.

solids, liquids, gasses, yeah. all good. but why not expand our horizons? eat delicious plasma. whip up a refreshing Bose-Einstein Condensate smoothie! nibble on a slice of Neutron Star Matter! all it takes is imagination and a supercollider to prepare fun nutritious snacks!

Hella Foggy, Episode 10: Hella Animated Pixar, the Bay Area’s animation scene, Greg’s new mic that barely works, kelp forests, Olympic gold for Alysa Liu, and Wayne talking about Star Wars for… a while. open.substack.com/pub/itsjustt...

Theory: Trump read Gravity's Rainbow and now thinks missiles can help with his boner issues.

dad! i made a tesseract! why don’t you make a tesserclean room??

Playing the hottest hits of the 80s, the 70s, the Age of Steam, the Iron Age, the Interwar Period, the Jurassic, the Plank Epoch, the Age of Reason, and the 90s.

"Imagine" is a dumb song. Just cheap slop.

Australian Vowels: A E I Ouruagh U

Honestly? I’d actually love to be at a feast with a ghost. Sounds like a vibe.

Notable Berkeley personalities who were lurking around the two times I lived there: Hate Man Bubble Lady Larry Rare Hitler Guy Naked Guy Guy in Leather Pants/Death In June T-Shirt Labor Sec Robert Reich Michael Chabon

Dino is a form of the greek word δεινός (deinós), meaning "terrible" That means that the Flintstones dog's name is literally "Terrible".

cat-sitting my friend’s little goon. he is the jolliest little meatloaf i’ve ever met. constantly purring this loud.

mother do you think i should run for president?

Happy Lunar New Year! 🧧 Ep. 9 of Hella Foggy: SF celebrations, Chinatown fireworks, Colma's necropolis, a wayward humpback whale, David Letterman, Freemasonry, and fog. We had a plan. We did not stick to it. podcasts.apple.com/in/podcast/e...

I - no lie - got a blister from sharpening pencils yesterday. Now if you'll excuse me, Nanny is calling me in for cucumber sandwiches and rest.

Picture a fox. Wrong! They are smaller than that.

sad about Robert Duvall, but i’d like to take this opportunity to remind people that Mad Magazine’s parody of Apocalypse Now was called A Crock of BEEP Now

The pottery scene in Ghost, but with a gyro spit

Episode 8 has dropped! Hella Presumptuous! Episode 8 of Hella Foggy digs into the myths people cling to about the Bay Area. includes: a shameful confession of a movie marquee detournement, a dark cod liver oil family story, and, naturally, bread bowls podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/h...

what i love about buddhist art vs christian art is the buddha or bodhisattva usually looks like they would be comfortable farting. i am not joking.

yes elvis and the beatles were very talented people, but can we stop having them resurrected every couple of years? there have been other very talented people in the past 60 years. Like Gwar.

.@AveloAir is some third tier regional airline that has a very lucrative contract with ICE

Czar Nicolas used to show his Fabrege eggs to his chickens, in order to establish his dominance. His full title was "Царь всея Руси, и кур" ("Czar of All the Russias, and Chickens")

not going to lie: those little electric dirt bikes little dweebs are riding around on are rad, and if i were middle school goon instead of a middle-aged Sasquatch i would ride the hell out of one if I could

Greenland > Orange Man

At this late date, if you support Trump, what the hell are you doing? His mind is gone. Greenland is personally "psychologically important" to him. He's insane.