Now that he has his Peace Prize, I think he's going to go for the EGOT next.

Sisyphus was the original rock 'n' roller

"There's no such thing as a free lunch," said by someone who's never bought me lunch.

Arby's slogan, "We have the meats," kinda sounds like the beginning of a ransom note.

He won the Presidency so he can fulfill his lifelong dream of becoming an interior decorator.

Excuse me? Why, just this morning I ended 12 wars, I think I deserve that second bowl of Fruity Pebbles.

What did Jesus eat for Thanksgiving?

It's time to come clean: I've been a Macedonian bot farm the whole time.

We're probably just days away from discovering he spent a million dollars to be flown to a remote island where he was permitted to club baby seals.

You remember that little house on the prairie, it just sold for $1.5 million.

No matter how good Oscar Isaac is in Guillermo del Toro's Frankenstein, he will never beat Udo Kier in Andy Warhol's Flesh for Frankenstein, who said, "To know death, Otto, you have to fuck life... in the gall bladder!"

It's harder to be a perfect democrat than it is to get into the good place.

The one reason why it's better to be a Jets fan: We're never disappointed, we never expect anything from them.

I'm gonna give you an offer you can't refuse: either you give me the Nobel Peace Prize, or you're gonna get a knock on your door from the Department of War.

Top 5 causes of death in Russia: 5) Encephalopathy 4) Automobile accident 3) Heart disease 2) Cancer 1) Falling out of a window

Maybe it's me, but "anti colonizer maga white propaganda." What?

District attorney: it's a simple yes or no question Mr Comey, are you woke?

Until someone stops me, I will continue to pronounce "missile" like the Green Goose from "The Man Called Flintstone."

Leopold was working with the FBI to take down Loeb.

'Department of War' sounds like a perfect name for a heel tag team.

I know what you did last summer, and I'm not mad, just disappointed.

I just had my annual physical and I gained 6 pounds! I now ask that you all refer to me as a 104 pound weakling.

What good is AI if it won't give me Edvard Munch's painting The Scream, but with Luanne Platter.

We'll all be laughing on the other side of our faces when next month, we find out he created a billion jobs.

Now that the Fantastic Four is part of the MCU, who (or what) should be their upcoming villains? I'd like to see Annihilus.

I'll always remember the saddest thing I ever saw. It was while I was returning a package of unused condoms.

Next week, just to see if they can get away with it, they'll release the Juan Epstein files.

I just voted "Yea" on the Big Beautiful Bill. AITA?

Don't you understand? He will bring Shariah Law, Marxism, Socialism, Communism, and a whole bunch of other words I don't know the meaning of to NYC!

Watched S2E4 of Poker Face last night and loved the L.A. Confidential reference. #pokerface

Based on current prices for bronze, Doc Savage is worth about $675.

I would pay good money to see Tarzan's reaction to the first time he uses a bidet.

I always say Thank You to Alexa; it's how I was raised.

WWLVCD What would Lee Van Cleef do?

It's time for another round of America's favorite game show: Who said it, Donald Trump or Queen Carlotta?

Coming soon to a theater near you! DEVIL COW She's going to graze some hell! Rated R

You notice nobody talks about the Chupacabra anymore? Are you telling me there ain't no more goats getting sucked out there anymore?

Beachside caricaturist? www.hollywoodreporter.com/tv/tv-news/r...

I was kinda disappointed that Godzilla Minus One was not about how Godzilla lost the love of his life.

George Soros paid me to type this sentence when I told him punctuation was extra he told me to leave it out

What if we trained AI in nothing but James Patterson and Sweet Valley High books.

If you should happen to an article with the headline "__________ is closing all of its stores for 24 hours, here's why" don't bother clicking on it, the reason is because it's Easter. That's it, clickbaity bullshit.

Dow Jonestown massacre

Hard to believe this is the same man that didn't want to spook the markets during COVID but now has no problem scaring the bejeezus out of them.

What'll it be, honey? BJ, straight sex, or an Appalachian handjob? What's an Appalachian handjob? Oh, it's done through a hole in a barn door, and one of us dresses up like a raccoon.

I've been sitting here for at least an hour; starting to think this Godot guy is never showing up.

Sci-Fi classics updated for modern readers: Robert A. Heinlein's THE MOON IS A HARSH THOT

Dolce & Gabbana Meet Frankenstein

I had a dream last night in which a bunch of us were cleaning a store after a day's business, when I noticed a group of people off to the side just sitting. I asked, "Why aren't they helping?" My co-worker said, "Oh, them, they're libertarians, they don't do anything."