I've hit a wall as far as performing stand-up goes. I have zero things booked for the rest of the month/year/my life. I know I could have more than nothing if I asked for sets. But I don't know if I can limp along doing a set every week or so. Might be time to accept it just didn't happen for me

I still don't know how to use this website

You've heard of "elf on a shelf," now get ready to forget that shit around my kids. We have enough going on here without more nonsense.

Some time ago, in a misguided effort to "stick it to the man" and possibly while high, I decided to make my default search engine Bing. And, I gotta say, it really sucks. Like a lot. It was a bad choice. Just like deciding to write this instead of fixing the problem. I'm not good at life, tbqh

Always was a big fan of Schlub and Schluber

I don't know what level of nerd this makes me, but last night I dreamt that Hank Green played a prank on me so I looked silly when I met the Johns of They Might Be Giants

Receptionist: Name, please. Apu: My name is “Apu.” Receptionist: Spell that, please. Apu: A, as in the antepenultimate letter of my name. P, as in the penultimate letter of my name. And U, as in the ultimate letter of my name.

Wordle is funny because I either solve it in 42 seconds at 6:46 am while I'm peeing or it takes a 12 hour long subconscious percolation before I suddenly remember to go finish it sometime in the evening. No in-between.

Unpopular Wicked opinion: we struggled through the first half of the first movie before we were happily interrupted and never bothered watching the rest. The only character I gave two shits about was the goat professor

I'm over fifty years old and I'm still sabotaging friendships by withdrawing, worried I'll say something "wrong" or simply be "too much" It's absolutely infuriating

Steve should be one of the richest people in the world. And when I say that I don't mean he should have hundreds of billions. I'm saying this is about as wealthy as all of the financial elite should be.

I caught the moment when KOIT switches to Christmas music and it made me unreasonably happy

In San Francisco we have the changing of the guard but it's just the homeless people getting kicked out of the doorways so the pilates people can line up to go inside "safely."

Guys, we've tried pointing out when they're hypocritical-- quite a lot, actually! Maybe we can move on to something different?

The funniest thing about being upset with a video of yourself is that you're the only one surprised by how you look

We should have an umbrella term for pedophiles, hebephiles, and ephebophiles. Call em epsteinphiles

How crazy must it have been for Bill Clinton in 2016 watching two ex-lovers fight each other.

And all this time I thought Trump was just blowing his own horn

When I was young, weed was just "weed'. But now that there are vapes and edibles, what I used to call "weed" is sometimes referred to as "flowers". It's not a big deal. Weed is still weed. There's just a finer distinction now. This post is about people being cisgender.

I always forget if she was Mork or Mindy

The problem with being a "funny" Mom with "funny" names for all the things we talk about is that I cannot for the life of me remember what "Boondocks" ramen is actually called

Mental health awareness might be improving but I still tell people I've been "real busy" when in actuality I've just been depressed.

I mean, maybe I'm remembering it wrong but didn't he spend like a year in a box eavesdropping on a family, pining for the daughter, and feeling sorry for himself?

Okay I'm just now finally realizing that Sydney Sweeney and Sabrina Carpenter are at least two different people

Is there a word for after the headache is over and it doesn't hurt (much) anymore but you can still feel its broken up pieces slowly draining away from your head?

In a truly faithful adaptation of Frankenstein, the monster would be an incel

Anyone visiting their parents and/or extended family for the holidays might want to figure out how to explain how you can tell things are AI, especially when it "looks so real"

With the new Stephen King TV show out, an old conversation pattern has been resurrected: Them: Where are you from? Me: I grew up in Derry, New Hampshire T: OOOoooooohhhh wow! Like in th-- M: No, that's Maine T: Oh M: It's near Salem, NH T: OOOoooooohhhh wow! Like those W- M: No, that's Massachusetts

The way this year's been going I won't be surprised if/when it turns out that "somehow, Dick Cheney returned".

Dick Cheney was part of the Silent Generation. Now he's part of the Very Silent Generation

In memory of Dick Cheney, the Trump administration is demanding that everyone hurt and/or detained by ICE apologize to their captors

I haven't been this excited about how another city is run since Starship built that one out of rock and roll

Sure, Zohran rhymes with moron,but did you know that Mike Rapaport sounds like My Crap a Fart?

Apparently it's "Vote blue no matter who (unless they're not a Christian or Jew)"

Both middle schoolers are off with their friends this Halloween, so for the first time in 14 years we are alone on this special, spooky night, pondering in fear the starting rate at which we hurtle through time, ever closer to our deaths, never certain of their proximity but sure of their certainty.

I was getting really worried about all the families negatively impacted by this government shutdown, but don't worry! I just found out that the members of Congress *do* collect a paycheck during this time. Phew!

My daughter said she's thinking about joining the ROTC and I suppose this is what it feels like for conservative parents when their kid says they're trying our they/them pronouns

"Ironically, Daniel Radcliffe helped make JK Rowling rich, allowing her to radicalize regular people into constantly transvestigating his wife." #futureHistory

Parenting is taking three times as long to ask a kid to do something than it would take to do it yourself. That's why at the end of the day the parents are exhausted but the kid feels like they're the only one who did anything

Just discovered that the woman who created the Golden Girls also created Sam Harris, and that's a plot twist worthy of being on Soap.

The truth lies in statistics

If the people who want to move left and the people who want to move right faced each other we'd all move in the same direction

FB memories of my old jokes make me laugh sometimes tbh

The wrong star of Annie Hall died

Slayer covering Rush "All the world's indeed a stage, and we are fucking Slayer."

I made this about 10 or 11 years ago. Might be the biggest joy I have related to these planes flying over the city all weekend.

"You know, we - as gay people - we get to choose our family."

Is it a bad sign when you want to write "sugar-free almond milk" but your brain shorts out and the closest you can get (and you know it's wrong) is "vegan army boots"?

Remember back when books and movies were love letters to cities? Simpler times.