Respect to the old lady in the Sheetz bathroom who just straight up asked me if she was in the woman’s room and didn’t make an entire spectacle of it

If you ever see Ive reposted something on Instagram please know there’s a 50/50 chance that it was a misclick 🦧

My speakers are so good that I just meowed back to a cat on a commercial thinking it was one of my cats. I looked to see which one was up and they were both snoozing 😭

“Wow that was a super long and tiring week at work. Can’t wait to watch the Bills on some SNF” I foolishly thought to myself all day today. Should have just gone to the local JV team to watch that level of play

The hair on top of my head is now long enough that when I shampoo I notice when strands sneak onto my hand. I fear it may be time to return to my normal length

Nothing more humbling than having hiccups in public

“It could always be worse” I whisper to myself at the sight of my once again chewed up toilet paper roll. “I could have children”

Whenever I talk about how easily lost I get, going literally anywhere, I think people must believe I’m exaggerating. I say this because I got lost on my run this afternoon in my own neighborhood (my Strava then shower I actually ran in a perfect box I just missed one critical turn somewhere).

Sometimes I yell at my cats and tell them to stop behaving in a way that I would expect of dogs (like eating the toilet paper of the roll) but then I have to apologize and remember this is a progressive household and if that’s how they want to express themselves then so be it

Update it was effective actually but I was worried for a minute there. Chewed today’s and while immediately effective, not very tasty

Just swallowed a chewable lactaid. Will update if it is still effective or not

Wanted to start a new TV show. I have a list of recommendations to get through in fact. On a whim started King of The Hill instead and never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d be this engrossed.

Forgot I spit in the sink after brushing my teeth (my cat had claimed the sink for a drink of water). 30 seconds later I took my pre-bed piss and instantly forgot. Just looked up “why is my pee so foamy” before remembering what I had done.

Tried so many times to get a front flip into a pool today that I burst a bunch of little blood vessels in my back from hitting the water so hard. Spoiler alert- I still can’t do a flip

Sitting like an iPad kid watching tv on my phone while getting drunk alone at brunch. Life is peak

Am I… God?

Might day drink and listen to Radiohead

Back in my Portlandia phase. What I would do to get it back on Netflix or a popular streaming service. #putabirdonit

Doctor Who got me feeling some type of way right now (feeling like a little kid about to throw a tantrum because they don’t know how to properly articulate said feelings)

maybe a new tattoo would cure me 🤔

Started episode 1 season 1 of White Lotus this morning. Thought it would be something I would stop and start on my morning walks for a while. Wrong. I just finished season 1 after laying in bed all day.

My spotify daily playlist (#4) got me needing a rum and Coke with a cigarette, best enjoyed on someone else’s porch open.spotify.com/playlist/37i...

Thinking about the time in high school my entire English class had to watch the music video for Jumpers by Sleater Kinney b/c my song got picked for a random project thing we were doing. Fantastic song, fantastic video, odd choice for a high school class.

I want a tattoo of a badger wearing a cowboy hat

There are many hills I will die on. I hope this isn’t one I have to defend. Music is the greatest gift to this world.

“Like a pig in a cage on antibiotics” - Radiohead. My least favorite Radiohead song to be truthful. Anyway I’m trying to quit nicotine and I think I’m going crazy because that lyric is on repeat in my head currently. I like to think my subconscious is poetic. (Like a pig. In a cage. On antibiotics.)

Not my normal type of set but look how cute

Finally started two new shows instead of rewatching the same couple over and over. Paradise and Adolescence. Both phenomenal and I’m finally motivated to start going through my long list of recommendations while getting through all my legos

I would just like to say I was on a mini escalator and it just broke mid ride so my fear is now not unfounded. We were all fine but my point stands

I get nervous on escalators. I just don’t like them. My father noticed this and said “if you can hike a mountain you can ride an escalator”. Fair point. Counter- if I die on a mountain it’s a good story and will bring up safe hiking for those after me. Escalator injury/death? Not as exciting

Someone stole my laundry basket and I told a housekeeping lady and she goes “who stole it” girl Bffr

Every time I eat a fruit that requires peeling I feel like a wild orangutan foraging for food

Today I have learned that if a fire alarm goes off in a hotel my first instinct is to not believe it’s real (fortunately this was a false alarm. Yes, I did exit the building). I’ve also learned the dangers of sleeping mostly unclothed b/c i took my sweet time getting dressed for a possible emergency

Update: I remain unsoiled

Just ate a mini pizza and some ice cream then remembered I need to get my steps in for the day. Will I crap my pants walking on the treadmill? Stay tuned

I envy the girlies who talk about the wonder of the feeling of putting lotion on and getting into freshly cleaned sheets. I just tried it and I feel like a slug

I just went to the store to buy the little pillows that catch my shedding uterus lining and bought new converse. What a store

Was in the mood to watch something new on tv but Lassie Jerky was calling my name

Organizing my stuff and found this random Kurt Fuller headshot I own. It’s not funny at all but it makes me laugh every time that I just own this

So fun fact is cats actually scare the crap outta me and I know she’s just having fun but I was terrified

The best (and most expensive) place to be buzzed is an airport

I can always tell when my dad wrapped a gift because it’s never labeled as being from my dad.

Controlling the tv while my family is in the kitchen is what’s getting me through these holidays. About to make my cousin watch Lassie Jerky

Juliet: 1 My folded laundry: 0