So much drama in the late bronze age. Someone could've written an epic poem about it.

This happens every four years. I get off work in an hour-ish and I don't even remember who I was before the world cup started. What the hell did I do before?

The best kind of catfishing just involves a stick, some ribbon and a cat

Madonna could have really nailed the vibe by doing one her songs from the Evita soundtrack

Wasn't expecting the Muppets.

Alright, America. Here we go. Let's embarrass ourselves one last time at this world cup. Hit me with this halftime show

So, fifa definitely hired set designers from the Hunger Games for these opening ceremonies, right? Just warming up my shit talking muscles for the halftime show. It's actually pretty normal

What the fuck is this nonsense? Why are they singing the US national anthem???

I was recently gifted a NYT mobile subscription and this shit is hilarious. All concepts are now explained via weird, swoopy charts. The example I included kind of sucks but I've lost interest in making fun of these dildos

Lindsey Graham flew a little too close to the sun and got fucked to death by some young stud. Almost as fitting an end as Mitch McConnell's corpse being desecrated to illegally advantage the GOP one last time.

Later in the press conference he said the Mitch McConnell could still have his Senate seat too

Jucifer - live at Flywheel - May 28, 2005 - Easthampton, MA https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8YoJP3xybE

Swiss manager looks like a Luke Wilson character in a Wes Anderson movie

Doesn't everyone want a screaming baby handed to them immediately after sex?

Finally got out on this beast for the first time since getting hit by a car in Feb. It was nice.

Buying all the ramen at kroger to snort the flavor packets

Do hit them, but with funky drum breaks

So much bubble discourse. But no mention of bubble buddy. You are all dead to me

Shaka, when the walls fell

WAKE UP, EVERYONE! My cat is bored.

Evergreen

Did I type that? Or just think it?

"you got the power to command spiders?" "No" "Be a lot cooler if you did"

"My friend corndog, you know, that skittery guy who's always walking back and forth from the gas station? Anyways, he told me about this secret code where you don't have to pay your taxes..."

We're about a week away from drilling for uncouth oil

People talk a lot about 9/11 and how it changed everything, but that's Judgement Night soundtrack erasure, imo

I was led to believe that humanity would have been saved from itself by a giant coronal mass ejection by now. what gives?

Consumer confidence is down. Hardly anyone is trying cool shopping cart tricks.

So I stole my town's tornado siren to teach myself synthesis. Sure, a lot of people died. What of it?

We're about a week away from drilling for uncouth oil

All these years later And I still find myself wondering what taking ketracel white is like Probably pretty awesome, right?

Slow mo shots of angry children at football ⚽ matches

Sigh Even the *user was blocked for this post" account is boring today

I've been thinking about the rearview mirrors in the movie Quadrophenia whenever I need a little pick-me-up lately. It's pretty effective

I didn't think it was possible for a fish to look coked up. But there it is

Indeed, my friend

What if their parents are werewolves? I just don't think this person has thought this through.

Nothing says punk rock like a limited edition Marshall stack

Probably unrelated. But I have been tossing my banana peels around town in an attempt to introduce more whimsy into the world. Mario Kart style

A motorcyclist? With meth? Well, now I've heard it all.

I have this mental illness where, every spring, I become convinced that THIS year it actually makes total sense to pay close attention to what the Miami Dolphins are up to. There is no known cure or treatment

May I suggest we start just making note of non-cicada years.

I keep looking at clocks, etc. right at 12:34. Even the cd player that is somehow 4 hrs and 29 mins off. I think I might be possessed

Everyone, I'd like to introduce this week's guest essayist

Dr: "have you experienced speaking so softly or slowly that people can't understand you, or fidgeting to a degree people find distracting?" Me: "both of those things are pretty normal for me" Dr: ..... Me: "uh, no. If the question is am I doing that more than normal" Dr: .... Me: "no"

PSAs about gas leaks should be significantly less weird than the one I just heard. I am now uncertain if I actually heard it or if I have a gas leak

Did I type that? Or just think it?

Where was Shirley?

Foods so expensive I had to get a stationary chicken

Well, now that you mention it, I guess my foot WAS sort of asking for it. Carry on, Mr. Scrimshaw. #catsofbluesky