I feel like we went through this with Nikki Minaj over 10 years ago and gays were just too in-gag with a mediocre mashup of a Bratz doll and a potato to see it.

When we were kids, we screamed “are we there yet” for hours before racing out of the car when we reached our destination. When my nephews get to their grandparents’ for Christmas, my sister has to coax them off their tablets and out of the car. What we need more than anything now is boredom.

The propaganda planned for CBS, CNN, and WashPo can only succeed in information vacuums like China and Russia. American intellectuals and everyone under 60 already ignores the mainstream media in lieu of independent and international outlets.

These obnoxious anti-vaping commercials didn’t work 20 years ago when they were anti-smoking commercials, and they’re not going to work now.

The economy looks like it’s doing bad, then I see an Instagram ad for one of those unknown, wannabe clothing startups with ironic dad jeans “selling fast” for $140, and I wonder. Who is buying these jeans, and do they even exist?

If your tree’s too tall for your living room, cut it from the bottom, not the top. You’re welcome 🎄

I guess the socialist influence of Whoville didn’t last long, because there isn’t much the Grinch hasn’t sold out to 🎄

“In the United States of America, you don’t have to apologize for being white anymore” -J.D. Vance I mean, it was never mandatory, but this statement sure makes it feel like the right thing to do.

The average DC area personality is so aggressively bland even their minorities use mayonnaise.

Funny how the left has no problem pillorizing every "Karen" having a bad day, but when it comes to ICE agents stepping on pregnant women, well, "we just don't believe in doxxing people because it can harm their families." Misogyny really has no political home.

Jesus! Ladies, Google Lara Flynn Boyle and look into the future, then go eat a cheeseburger!

Whatever’s in the Epstein files must be really juicy if Trump’s concerned it will jostle his willfully blind cultists.

Part of me wishes my rural public high school had been as religious as conservatives are currently aiming, because I was such a an inquisitive little shit from the moment I could read, I’d be mocking the fictional hell out of mandatory prayer. “He spilled his WHAT on the ground, Teach??”

Pride Center Vermont defines gay as “invalidating or undermining” while Outright Vermont doesn’t even include gay or lesbian on its list of Terms & Definitions. There were six months around 2009 when I finally felt accepted, just before the alleged allies in my community decided I was problematic.

The LGBTQ+ community underestimates just how much tolerance has been reluctantly pressured by current social norms. As soon as society catches up with the corporate about face, expect a swift return of standardized homophobia.

The biggest obstacle in solving the housing crisis is our HGTV-fueled obsession with the immediate resale value of what should be viewed as a very long term investment. The necessary surplus of housing is always going to make your property value plummet.

If you want to solve the housing crisis, put a cap on how many single family homes a corporation can own and tax absentee foreign ownership into oblivion. No citizen should be competing for homeownership with BlackRock and Chinese land hoarders.

I will never understand the suburban, heterosexual male rage that comes from a stranger turning around in one’s driveway.

Sometimes bad people do the right thing for the wrong reasons and banning pharmaceutical ads is one of them. I don’t want to see another creepily targeted Hims commercial in my life.

How is targeted pharmaceutical advertising on streaming platforms not a massive HIPAA violation? I’m gay, which apparently the streamers know, so every ad I see is for HIV meds. What if I had my parents over to watch A Christmas Story? We’d have to have an extremely an awkward conversation.

If we weren’t such smug, condescending douchbags, convincing poor conservatives to stop voting for cronies robbing them blind and licking the sandals of Saudi Arabia would be a no-brainer. But no, we want MAGA to suffer, so we all have to suffer.

Credit card based gift cards have to biggest scam in the history of money. A service fee to buy access to money that can’t be withdrawn and might not ever be used, every small balance remaining going right back to Visa or AmEx.

To this day I don’t understand why a 100 year old vampire who looks 32 would decide to enroll in high school.

I’ll say this, the silver lining of the East Wing’s demolition is that the liberal yuppies demolishing historic homes for their pressboard garbage finally feel what preservationists have felt for more than 75 years. Welcome to posterity’s futility club, Astrid.

Everyone said Kate Winslet was “fat” in Titanic, but no one bothered asking if maybe Leonardo DiCaprio was just a shrimp.

Society will forget the ugly words Trump aimed at Rob Reiner by next week, brushed off by our TMZ-styled attention spans with a detached, “old news.” Limitless access to a non-stop feed of information was a demon in a halo, and we can’t stop her. Humans need time to internalize what we learn.

Some random civilian says a Charlie Kirk wasn’t a great guy and Trump’s lackeys scream “TREASON!, then publicly mock Rob Reiner and his wife a day after they’re brutally murdered. Don’t think this is ordinary hypocrisy. THE HYPOCRISY IS THE POINT.

I don’t understand Buc-ee’s. Appalachian hobgoblins are trolling the hills of the Shenandoah in beaver-branded product placement like ‘90s band tees without the irony. Also, the allegedly-famed brisket tasted exactly like I expected: a tub of Lloyd’s BBQ beef from Walmart microwaved on high.

For all her idealizing, Rachel Maddow has never had a problem cashing a paycheck from the same publicly traded conglomerate responsible for resurrecting Trump’s career.

Can we stop pretending the talking haircuts at CNN are peddling anything but infotainment between GLP-1 commercials? They’re the same cynical brand of blind ambition that drives career cronies into politics, and any one of them would defect to OAN if it came with 8 figures and a built-in audience.

Today’s culture of convenience stores every need or desire in our pocket, and I return we want for nothing. Satisfaction and enjoyment need that want. It’s why billionaires obsess over mars: it’s the only thing they can’t have. So why the hell are we trying to outsource even more of our wants to AI?

If Costco gets a refund for all the money Trump’s tariffs cost them I want a refund for him stealing my entire 40s.

I wonder when Trump’s cheerleaders will shift from denying his senility to encouraging sympathetic support. You know it’s coming. “Any criticism of the president’s illness should be considered treason!” It’s only a matter of time.

Stranger Things has exhausted ‘80s nostalgia to the point that it’s just plain camp now. Also, Eddie doesn’t look like a bad-boy metal-head. He looks like Pauly Shore.

As if the endless pharma commercials aren’t obnoxious enough, Hulu’s now forcing viewers to engage with fat people drugs before continuing with programs. I’m the same non-diabetic buck 75 I’ve been since college you ass holes.

The amount of mediocre artwork peddled on Instagram by hot men in their underwear is embarrassing. The echo chamber who love their “work” is pathetic. You can be hot AND a good artist, but throwing paint at a canvas in your chonies doesn’t make you Jackson Pollack just because you’ve got a big d1ck.

I know people like to joke about MySpace and Friendster, but they were tolerable because they were JUST PEOPLE. Scroll through Facebook or Instagram and count how much AI slop and “number 10 will shock you” “articles” you pass before actually seeing a human you know.

Language did not create intelligence, it was the other way around. Whether an AI is a LLM or something else, it will never be more than a digital response mechanism like an extremely advanced Ask Jeeves. If you think it can be, you have a very low intellectual bar.

I feel like Sydney Sweeney would be a lot less hatable if she came out full-MAGA instead of just blatantly toeing the line of profitability like a human product placement algorithm.

People who don’t remember a time before social media won’t remember this, but there was a time when you could actually drop a bag of groceries in the market, and others would just go about their business without recording you. Hell, some might have even helped you up.

Anyone wondering what the McCallisters did for a living has never paid attention to the houses in every other John Hughes film. What did the Russells do? The Bakers? The Buellers? Dare I mention Chet and Wyatt’s parents? No one knows how any of them can afford those houses. That’s the point.

If you’ve never lived without the echo chamber of social media or the roar of information in your pocket, you don’t know calm. Even in the spa, your iPhone awaits. Back then, a kind of solace in quiet privacy could be found even awaiting the results of an AIDS test that we will never know again.

Every year paint companies select some variation of white as “color of year,” and every year we take the bait and engage. 1) popular doesn’t mean “best,” and white wins. Just ask your ceiling, trim, or landlord. 2) they’re trolling you. No one ever heard of Pantone until they saw it in a meme.

Retooling a liberal arts school “for the future” is lot like honoring Sylvester Stallone at The Kennedy Center. It devalues the mission of schools like Amherst to eliminate Latin Arts in order to offer Cybersecurity. If you’re concerned about your school’s future, charge less and admit more.

It wasn’t enough to bankrupt farmers with tariffs and grab their land, Trump will crush the ones who squeaked by with loan debt disguised as a bailout. I’d join liberals by cheering, “you get what you vote for,” but the result is a wasteland of Temu distribution centers littering the countryside.

I’d rather be a millionaire than a billionaire. Imagine just being able to have everything, anytime; never WANTING anything. No wonder these men obsess over Mars. It’s the only thing they can’t have. It’s the only thing left to want. I can’t imagine how dysfunctionally weird their sex lives must be.

The term “vassal state” is about to become more abused than “gaslighting.”

Grocery stores ditched a full roster of cashiers and baggers and free paper or plastic bags long before tariffs and pandemics. Prices are inflated to satiate the bloated expectations of shareholders and CEOs, all of whom pit consumers against one another to distract us from the real culprits.

At the intersection of convenience culture, social media obligations, and human spaces devoid of any architectural stimulation is a perfect storm of anxiety and depression fueling an epidemic.

Yearly reminder: “Hallelujah” is NOT a Christmas song.