Waste a gallon of water and siphon off electricity from the village next to this data center so you can create a sh*tty disposable camera photo you’ll look at once and immediate lose in the maw of your iPhoto hole.

Amazon Fashion is an oxymoron.

When the internet blew up, CEOs weren’t screaming, “get online!” “It’s the next big thing!” In fact, it marketed itself so well, they barely kept up with demand. AI’s hard sell is so obnoxious, the tech’s starting to sound more like Google Glass and the Edsel than the discovery of electricity.

I don’t know why Trump just didn’t Pulanski himself to Qatar where they’d probably make him a king and he could golf all day. It’s basically Florida with robes.

The last time the federal government put the people before corporations was when they required companies to give us an easy way to unsubscribe.

If you support lesbian places, they’ll call you a transphobe. If you’re Jewish, they’ll say you support genocide. We’ve become so exhaustingly barefaced that the narcissists don’t even know the difference between a genuine cause and being an online b*tch about it just to stroke off their ego.

Don’t let Schumer’s Pride flag legislation fool you. He’s trying to end a fight that isn’t over by relegating a symbol of protest to the annals of nostalgia. It serves us best as an outsider symbol of marginalization than as a revered token on par with one often burned in similar protest 🏳️‍🌈

RFK Jr. taking a jeans-clad shvitz is not how I anticipated this Wednesday starting. These idiots can’t even get gay porn right.

I’m going to open a deli called Olive Garden that only sells olives, then when Olive Garden sues me for copyright infringement, I’ll counter sue them for false advertising. Seriously, two black olives for a whole salad? It’s called Olive Garden. Why are they such a little b*tch about their olives?

I never understood why, in horror movies, people always run from the maimed victims as if they’re the monster/ghost/killer. “Oh my best friend had his arm chopped off. Scary. You’re on your own, boo.”

If Trump ever paid taxes he’d know he can’t end real estate tax because it’s controlled by the state 🙄

I had antisemitism on my Bingo card, but didn’t get the bonus point for it coming from the left.

More Scenes From Late Capitalism Grocery employee tapping foot, gesturing to the line forming behind me. Me: “I’m going as fast as I can! I’m not a f*cking cashier!”

Inflation might be more believable if I wasn’t checking myself out and bagging my own groceries with a 10 cent bag.

I love spicy food. I’ll eat pickled habaneros like they’re Nerds. But Nashville Hot Chicken is just obnoxious. There’s no nuance. It just tastes like a kid threw the hottest spices he could find in some ketchup and dared his little brother to eat it.

When I lived in the country 30 years ago, everyone waved on the backroads. Back in the country 30 years later, now they just stare with suspicion. Maybe that’s because the good ol’ boys who woke up at 4am to milk the hog have devolved into perennially paranoid Rascal jockeys.

Pickup trucks and SUVs have gotten huge because they face less regulatory standards than lighter trucks and cars. Congrats. That Ford Phallus you drive was designed to be a piece of sh*t.

The only reason I ever thought “Trump Derangement Syndrome” might be a republican slogan is because the first time I saw it, it was misspelled on a rusted Winnebago perma-parked in a flood zone.

“Trump Derangement Syndrome” is the most idiotic self-burn. Conservatives just can’t get anything right. Any reasonable person in a right side up world would see that phrase, see him, and just assume they’re the deranged ones talking about themselves.

We didn’t end slavery, we outsourced it. We didn’t end child labor, we outsourced it. There aren’t any “good guys” in today’s world, just a hierarchy of bad ones. My point being, don’t be pious about offensive mascots and microaggressions from an iPhone made by unpaid children.

It doesn’t annoy me that targeted advertising shows me commercials in Spanish despite knowing what language I speak. It annoys me because it knows I’m a democrat so it thinks I’ll be impressed.

Fascism, pollution, vaccines. It’s no mystery these things are returning as a critical mass of people who remember WWII, polio, and Industrial Revolution smog are no longer here to remind us what they were like.

If Republicans are going to force everyone to prove their identity before voting, Democrats need to be set up at polling stations to make sure it’s enforced proportionally. It’s already too easy to imagine registrars giving conservative white women a wink and a pass.

Stranger Things got sh*t for never playing a Michael Jackson song, then finally played Rockin’ Robin? That’s like asking for something by Grace Slick and getting We Built This City.

Poverty. Pedophilia. Rape. Abuse. Concentration Camps. Stop excusing their cruelty as indifference and ineptitude. The. Cruelty. Is. The. Point.

In an alternate universe, Trump’s only legacy is a service plaza named after him on the Jersey Turnpike.

Wuthering Heights looks like a two hour perfume commercial.

The ‘Burbs sets up an excellent opportunity to explore race in 21st century suburbia. Instead, a brilliant cast of iconic actors is drowning in shallow tokenism on a cul de sac that hasn’t changed since Tom Hanks and Carrie Fisher lived there.

Selma Hayek’s boobs are the real reason conservative white women hate Mexicans.

It's nice to see some Democrats finally wearing their balls and ovaries on the outside today.

Gameplan for midterms: convince Republicans that Trump has the race rigged in their favor, and that they don’t need to vote. Then, Democrats, get out and vote 🗳️🇺🇸

Someday Karoline Leavitt will have to explain to her children why she said “we’re moving on from that” when asked about the children who were raped by her employers.

I really don’t understand a world in which South of the Border is a ghost town but Buc-ee’s is a destination attraction.

I was getting annoyed with all these picture perfect couples on Instagram renovating old houses, until someone pointed out they supplement their income on OnlyFans. Now I’m just nauseous.

The ‘Burbs needs to decide if it’s a funny story about a haunted house or provocative commentary on racism in the suburbs, because it clearly isn’t capable of both. As is, it’s an unfunny, unscary haunted house story with a white savior complex.

Yuppies will pay someone $100 a week to wash their dog, but never bother to ask where the guy crafting their artisanal BBQ in the food truck goes to the bathroom.

All those warehouses along the interstate promised to bring distribution jobs to the MAGA belt. It’ll be interesting to hear the outrage when the detainees are put to work on the shipping lines.

Considering the Super Bowl is rarely played at one of the team’s home cities, I’d much rather watch it on TV. Only gross-rich idiots fly to Kansas to watch the Eagles lose.

I’m seeing a lot of social media comments today from people who clearly don’t know that Puerto Rico is part of the United States 🇵🇷

Talk about the Obama-monkey video all you want, but anyone who wants to see it already has. Continuing to spread it only helps numb us to it and normalize it, lowering the bar. Which was exactly the point. Stop feigning shock. Actually be shocked enough to build back our standards.

Gays could set up a colony at the ass end of an iceberg and within a month, some chick with an iPhone and an Instagram account would be there, Stanley cup of Starbies in tow, saying all it needs is a SoulCycle and some Airbnbs.

Saying neurodivergent people are more likely to identify as LGBTQIA+ exposes what an erroneously amalgamated acronym of nonsense our community has become, and it encourages straight people to conflate mental illness with homosexuality, something we’ve spent 50 years debunking.

There’s a special place in hell for d*ckless drivers in $80,000 SUVs who refuse to move over, forcing 12 year old Jettas to drive along the snow bank.

You know you’re in suburbia when the hottest salsa you can find is medium.

Trump’s racist tweet is pure deflection, and social media is lapping it up like it’s news, just fueling his fire. We know he’s racist. We know he’s shameless. Nothing is “officially out of the box now.” We need to stop feigning shock because that’s exactly what he’s trolling for.

Trump’s racist tweet is a deflection from what Mamdani is saying right now, and the mainstream corporate media machine is more than happy to pretend it’s news. Stop feigning shock and fueling his fire.

Who knew hoagie slinging Eagles fans wouldn’t appreciate a Canadian hiring a Brooklyn firm to make their internationally renowned art museum look like an Instagram ad for a brewery? Don’t let the door hit your a*s on the way out, Sasha, and take Gretel and every other outer borough idiot with you.

Democracy doesn’t die with a storied name, but it will die if we keep insisting a for-profit newspaper run by shareholders and advertisers was the only thing keeping it alive. Read Independent Journalism.

I can appreciate stupidity, but the elected class’s unmotivated status quo stewing in the Bell Curve of mediocrity is exhausting. If 400M people’s freedom didn’t hinge on unfounded optimism in a few hundred cronies unfit to sell dishwashers, I’d be pulling for the other team just to see them fail.

When confronted with their racist stance on immigration, white Christians routine spout, “I’m just thinking about the children.” Meanwhile, plenty of white Christians just saw this and said, “yeah, but…”