Classic joke: On vacation, a rabbi walks into a non-kosher restaurant and thinks “Eh, why not?" He asks for a seat outside and decides if he’s gonna do it, he's gonna go big. He orders a whole roasted suckling pig, complete with an apple in its mouth.

12 is the only acceptable score (even though gefilte fish is gross)

REPORT: Researchers have discovered a sixth love language — fresh sufganiyot

Just watched my kids play dreidel for 20 minutes and I thought wow kids are so easily entertained and then I realized I just watched my kids play dreidel for 20 minutes

At the museum, I saw a menorah with a 2000 year old oil stain. Yup. Ancient Greece…

Two ultimate truths in this world: 1. Hashem is one 2. No woman wearing a dress with pockets will EVER fail to mention it has pockets upon receiving a compliment on said dress

The Strait of Hormuz sounds like something you’d find on a seder plate

OF COURSE this happened on Shabbos

I haven’t seen two titans clash like this since Hillel and Shammai

This really has been the best season of The Apprentice yet

Why do teenagers only count odd days of the Omer? Because, like, they totally can’t even.

How I think I look on Lag B’Omer vs how I really look

Fun Fact: Lag B’Omer is the day Jewish barbers earn their mane income

Where do you buy stuff for a lag b’omer cookout? Kohls.

Moishe tells his mom he's in love and says, "I'm gonna bring over 3 women and you try to guess which one I'm gonna marry." The next day, he brings 3 women home. “Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm gonna marry." She replies, “The one on the right." "Amazing. How did you know? "I don't like her."

Omer Simpson

Mathematics? Pfft. Give me a pope that double majored in Jewish philosophy and Talmudic studies

When cardinals flip out in yeshiva

We don’t throw away perfectly good Shabbos leftovers in my house. We put it in Tupperware, wait for it to go bad, and then we throw it away.

I, for one, like counting the Omer with Roman numerals

For Sefirat HaOmer this year, I bought my kids beads for an abacus. It's the little things that count.

Me forgetting to count the Omer on the third night

Me with cookies after pesach

BREAKING: King Solomon shared military plans on group chat which included his 1000 wives

At the seder I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor 😩

That moment you finish Passover cleaning

Smells just like Bubbe’s house

While I was cleaning for Pesach, a Haggadah fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame.

BREAKING: UN declares Israel Appreciation Day

A JVP Passover

HAMAN It’s settled. The 13th of Adar is the day. ZERESH Yes. We'll be there. PARSHANDATHA Can’t wait. VAIZATHA Don't forget your swords! MORDECHAI Um, guys?

BREAKING: Disney’s Snow White remake earns lower rating than middle school Purim play

Forget JFK. Release the Menorah files.

Mount Sinai Industries

This Purim, I’ve never seen so many Batman costumes in my life 🧡 Who is like Your nation Israel?

If Mordechai worked at DOGE: “Esther, email me five things you accomplished last week or someone else will”

Scary to think how many followers Haman would have today on social media

Hashem, give me the confidence of a man who preemptively builds gallows for his enemies

I need to get I need to be some work done sameach for Adar ( •_•) (•_• ) ( ง )ง ୧( ୧ ) /︶\ /︶\

Rabbi: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Hershel: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

The first 6 days after Shabbos are the hardest

Where did Vashti go when she lost her tail? A retail store, of course.

Thinking of going as a band-aid for Purim, but it’ll probably be hard to pull off

“Apricot is the best hamantaschen filling”

🚨BREAKING: BBC admits flaws in Gaza documentary, acknowledges not antisemitic enough

🟧🟧🟧

On Shabbos my rabbi said I was lazy and the rudest congregant he'd ever met. I said "You woke me just to tell me that?"