- I sent the note to the lab. They're demanding a million dollars. - Why would the lab demand a million dollars? #PoliceSquad

- Who are you, and how did you get in here? - I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith. #PoliceSquad #locksmith

- What happened to your face? - I ran into a fire sprinkler #PoliceSquad

See the girl over there? When she leaves, put a tail on her #PoliceSquad

Police investigation involves meticulous attention to detail. The sound of a buoy or foghorn on the ransom tape led me to the lakefront, where interviews with severaI locals proved unsuccessfuI. #PoliceSquad

Ed and I drove around for hours for no particular reason. We came up empty #PoliceSquad

Watch carefully as I test fire this gun into these videotapes of Barbara Walters interviews #PoliceSquad

- I lied. He never took me to the movies. - Whaaat? - I LIED. HE NEVER TOOK ME TO THE MOVIES #PoliceSquad

We're sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then. #PoliceSquad

A.N. Abandoned Locksmith Shop #PoliceSquad

Why don't you run along now, Katie, and next week I'll show you why women can't play professional football #TheLab #PoliceSquad

- Is this some kind of bust? - Yes, it's very impressive, but we'd just like to ask a few questions #PoliceSquad

I was driving home Mary, the boxer's wife, when I received an urgent call #PoliceSquad

Tonight's Episode: Dead Men Don't Laugh #PoliceSquad

Frank, the black and white is here #PoliceSquad

I try to put my past behind me, but every time I turn around, well, there's somebody there telling me who I am or where I've been #PoliceSquad

About 10:00, Sally Decker dictated a formal statement #PoliceSquad

- All right, Luca, I've got a gun in your ribs. - I'm not Luca and those aren't my ribs. #PoliceSquad

All he's ever known is the world of crime. This doesn't excuse what he does, but I think we understand him a little better. #PoliceSquad

I'd just come from the stockyards. We'd gotten reports that hundreds of cows had been senselessly slaughtered in the area. But I couldn't find any evidence. I stopped off for a hamburger and checked in with headquarters. #PoliceSquad

- Something I can do for you? - Ox smith? - No, no, no, no, locksmith! Locksmith! #PoliceSquad

Act II Ball III #PoliceSquad

- You Nicky McBreen? - Yeah - You're under arrest #PoliceSquad

Tonight's Episode - Terror In The Neighbourhood #PoliceSquad

- So Billy, electrostatic particles are created by an imbalance of electrons. The resulting charge is what we scientists call static electricity - Gee - It's just like when your mom takes a dress out of the dryer, puts it on & it clings to every supple curve & soft, round... Hi, Frank #PoliceSquad

We're sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then. #PoliceSquad

When I got to the elevator, my boss was already on the scene #PoliceSquad

- My daughter's a needle in a haystack! - That's not true. I've seen a picture of her. She's very attractive. Maybe a little thin. #PoliceSquad

You think you're gonna arrest me, don't you? Well, you're not! 'Cause I got the gun now! #PoliceSquad

We've got men covering all the exits #PoliceSquad

Act II Gesundheit #PoliceSquad

We did come from a poor family. The health department wouldn't condemn our house until we had it painted. #PoliceSquad #entertainer

Police investigation involves meticulous attention to detail. The sound of a buoy or foghorn on the ransom tape led me to the lakefront, where interviews with severaI locals proved unsuccessfuI. #PoliceSquad

- I sent the note to the lab. They're demanding a million dollars. - Why would the lab demand a million dollars? #PoliceSquad

- Who are you, and how did you get in here? - I'm a locksmith. And I'm a locksmith. #PoliceSquad #locksmith

I drove down to headquarters immediately. My boss, Ed Hocken, was already there. #PoliceSquad

- Cigarette? - Yes, I know #PoliceSquad

After taking care of an urgent personal matter, I proceeded directly to the address that Johnny had given me #PoliceSquad

Well, gentlemen, it's been a nice afternoon. Hope we can do it again some other time #PoliceSquad

- Where is she? Where is she? - Gesundheit #PoliceSquad

There had been a recent wave of murders at the city zoo. I was bringing in a suspect when I got a call from headquarters. #PoliceSquad

Act Two Yankees One #PoliceSquad

Tonight's Special Guest Star - Florence Henderson #PoliceSquad

- Cigarette? - Yes, I know #PoliceSquad

Married, one child. That didn't work out, so he married a grown woman #PoliceSquad #profiling

Katie, why don't you run along now. Next week we'll learn why cows look forward to giving milk #PoliceSquad #TheLab

- We've been through hundreds of these. Acme Tuba, Tuba World, Tubas Are Us... - Can you take a phone call, Captain - Not now, Al! International House of Tubas, Tuba or Not Tuba, Tuba Legation... #PoliceSquad

We're gonna have to check every tuba rental, sales and repair shop in town that's close to a filling station #PoliceSquad

- So you see, Katie, when I throw this switch, the electrical current from the power source is able to continue its journey In our case, the light bulb. All set then? - I guess so, Mr Olson. #PoliceSquad #TheLab

Coat & Tie Required For Admission #PoliceSquad