Me, home sick from work: “Well, at least I’ll be able to catch up on some work for my second job.” 😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑

Started the day with the electrical transformer directly outside my house exploding and everyone subsequently needing a new pair of pants.

My 5 year old was so tired he couldn’t remember the word “yesterday”, so in trying to talk about something that happened two days ago, he said “backwards tomorrow tomorrow”.

The best thing about having the Big Christmas Meal on a day other than Christmas Day is that when you inevitably realize you forgot to buy something, the grocery store is actually open.

My in-laws are watching “Watson” and wooowwww is it bad.

Why did we wait so long into this season of The Diplomat before really deploying Bradley Whitford? First Lady Todd is EVERYTHING.

Whoa, I had no idea that a flapjack in America is an entirely different animal from a UK flapjack.

I get irrationally(?) angry when watching Bake Off and the judges’ primary criticism is that something should have baked longer. GIVE THEM A REASONABLE AMOUNT OF TIME THEN.

Hey @abc13houstontexas.bsky.social @nbcnews.com are y’all reporting on the huge backlog created by the new voter registration system that may prevent tens of thousands of Texans from being eligible to vote in the Nov election?

Hey @jamestalarico.bsky.social @betoorourke.bsky.social the huge backlog created by the new voter registration system may prevent tens of thousands of Texans from being eligible to vote in November. What are we doing about this?

Hey @texastribune.org @houstonchronicle.com @houstonpublicmedia.bsky.social are y’all reporting on the Texas voter registration backlog that may prevent thousands of people from being registered to vote by the Oct. 6 deadline?

One thing you wanna do before you have kids is you wanna get a bunch of crappy plastic toys, break them, and then practice repairing them with super glue. Well developed super gluing skills will significantly up your parenting game.

Oh sweet Arthur, no one has ever been so well and truly fucked. #AlienEarth #AlienEarthFX

Kirsh, what is your freaky blonde DEAL? #AlienEarth #AlienEarthFX

PROTECT SMEE AT ALL COSTS #AlienEarth #AlienEarthFX

Okay so thats “eyeball monster evil” CONFIRMED #AlienEarth #AlienEarthFX

Isaaaaaaaac NOOOOOOOO #AlienEarth #AlienEarthFX

Boy Kavalier sitting at that conference table like he’s about to have his yearly pelvic exam. #AlienEarth #AlienEarthFX

BITCHY ROBOT ELEVATOR SMACKDOWN #AlienEarth #AlienEarthFX

I forgot to chop the spinach before throwing it in the pot and now it’s like my soup is filled with wet pillowcases.

All of the aliens are absolutely terrifying but none of them are as scary as an unstoppable synthetic preteen in the midst of a psychotic break. #AlienEarth #AlienEarthFX

The eyeball monster and the bloodsucking cockroaches are IN CAHOOTS!? #AlienEarth #AlienEarthFX

Why is every containment tank in every lab on this show made of CANDY GLASS?? #AlienEarth #AlienEarthFX

No one has ever taken SO LONG to shoot a dead body into space #AlienEarth #AlienEarthFX

Shots fired at the Snuggie #AlienEarth #AlienEarthFX

I DO NOT LIKE THE EYEBALL MONSTER #AlienEarth

JUSTICE FOR CAPILLUS #Foundation

“Kronk! Pull the lever!” #AlienEarth

Me watching episode 2 of #AlienEarth i.makeagif.com/media/10-03-...

I spent three days setting up my classroom this week and I feel like I was marched across a mountain range.

5 yo: Bugs can’t get in through the pee hole because there’s glass in the pee hole. Me: …what? 5 yo: *points to the front door* The pee hole! In the door!

You guys, The Eternaut (on Netflix) is SO GOOD.

You win again, jalapeño stuffed olives.

Remember when there used to be places on the internet you could go without seeing something incredibly depressing?

I am so 👏🏻 tired 👏🏻 of school administrators treating my subject area like it doesn’t matter.

Look I know that we shouldn’t park our kids in front of screens all day, but it makes my house so QUIET

I don’t usually care about the dating lives of celebrities, but Liam Neeson and Pam Anderson genuinely give me warm fuzzies.

My brain is so broken that I pat myself on the back for going to bed at 1am because that’s turning in early like a very responsible grown up.

I spent over an hour scrubbing the kitchen floor so I regret to inform everyone that we can’t ever use the kitchen again.

I have complicated feelings about The Sandman now, obviously, but Tom Sturridge plays Morpheus so beautifully in the show. It’s like the character was pulled directly out of my head, just as I’d imagined him. Bravo to the casting director.

Why does Una’s hair look like snap on Lego hair? #StrangeNewWorlds

I love Strange New Worlds but I just do not care about Pike’s girlfriend.

When you use the gross bananas to make banana bread instead of throwing them out.

If anyone feels bad about their parenting/housekeeping skills, it might help to know that today is July 24th and I just put my kids’ Easter baskets away.

A fitting tribute

I have to go to a funeral tomorrow and l profoundly Do Not Want To.

When you’re already up waaay too late and then you decide to read recaps of the last season of Dark because you can’t remember how it ended.

Ten authors by whom I've read more than five books: 1. Tana French 2. Diana Gabaldon 3. Kate Atkinson 4. Stephen King 5. David Sedaris 6. C.S. Lewis 7. George R.R. Martin 8. Laini Taylor 9. Janet Evanovich 10. Anthony Horowitz

My husband just went to pick up our kids and when they get home we have to tell them our dog died and I’d just really like for something good to happen please.

All our pursuit of scientific knowledge has clearly been a waste of time because it’s 2025 and we still can’t make dogs live forever.