Looks like our national bird will no longer be the majestic American Eagle...it will be replaced with the Russian Tangerine Twatneck, that Donald has had removed from the invasive species list...a fat, ugly little thing that shits constantly, and has the most annoying song you've ever heard...

Well folks I'm in a bad mood today...I've had enough of these idiots....who are we gonna eat first ? Or are we thinking more of a stew or gruel ?

Kristi Noem has been enjoying her Cosplay immensely lately...don't forget to head over to her Onlyfans and check out her new movie " Warden of Wisdom : Kristi does El Salvador "!! Stay tuned for her collab with MTG !

Pete Hegseth just sent this to my wife's knitting class...and yes I have a wife....

Well folks it's certainly an exciting day! Today we welcome my twin brother Pete's Diaper to the team! While I work behind the scenes in Donald's pants, my brother's duties will be somewhat different. Verbal diarrhea is his specialty...

Not to be outdone by his son's ability to turn on a laptop, yesterday Donald demonstrated multiple times that he has figured out how to open a pen...next week will be ABC's and counting to 10...

Sorry there's no good news in the obits today folks...I honestly can't wait to be unemployed....

This wasn't an accident folks...it coincided perfectly with the release of Melania...by Melania. The first of a series of adult toys by our First Lady. Upcoming releases include the Elon-gate prosthetic extension and the Rubio Rocket. Donald will have an NFT...in this case "Nothings F@#$ing There"

I've received a lot of DM's asking why I don't "proudly display" our flag in my bio...I will proudly display our flag in my bio when I am once again a proud American...

So Elon and Donald tested these today...jointly designed by the 2 of them.Every single 1 went off prematurely just after leaving the platform...He said he has never put more of himself into a project before...I can assure you that it is totally accurate...both unique and horrifying all at once....

So to answer the question "why is his tie so long..?" Donald's tie is multi purpose. Not only to cover the whoopsies on the front...but it is perforated like toilet paper. Here he is reloading his tie after accidentally having a vegetable...all it takes is a sprig of parsley...

So I have been asked many times if this is a parody account or if this is really me...it's me folks!! Here is my very official ID. Now you know for sure. This thing gets me places you could never imagine...even Donald called it the most powerful ID card of all ID cards that were ever ID cards...🤢

So yesterday Conald made me help him look for his balls. I simply reminded him I've lived in his pants for nearly 80 years and I've never found them either....

Well it was an interesting day ...Donald decided he would do an infomercial for Tesla and Elon today. It wasn't a completely horrible day...until he thought he needed to spend a half an hour showing everyone how " fast " his new shoes are...and it had to be the day after he got re-oranged. 😫😫

Hey everyone, just wanted to say thank you for such a warm welcome to Bluesky ! I'm a social media first timer so thanks for taking it easy on me. Thanks most of all for giving somewhere to vent! Remember there's 340 million of us in America ! Let's make sure Donald knows we aren't happy !

So Donald is meeting with politicians from the UK, Estonia and the Netherlands this week...great another long flight under his ass... They will be meeting to record their first single for release for their as yet unamed band.They want me to bring back the best you guys have to suggest. Lets Go!! 👇👇

Geez, I wish this one was mine.

I wish I could have a pet...sometimes I get to snuggle with Bobby's brain worm but dogs look way more fun. Unfortunately ,the only thing Mr Hamill and I have in common is we both know what it's like to spend the night inside a dead Bantha.

Well I never thought I was the whistleblower type. I pride myself on never having leaked anything in the Whitehouse. This explains further, the lack of tariffs on imports of guinea pigs and tariffs on Canadian dairy products. He can't just be happy wearing them on his head.

So I've decided that effective tomorrow I will be charging Donald 50% tariffs on any waste entering my territory. Regions affected are Elon's Cozy, Putin's Perineum, The Forest of Woe, Scaly Plains, Satan's Gate, Negative Nut Pass, and Mushroom Flats. Any undiscovered territory I missed ? 👇👇

I am so late today...last night was rough.I must be made of the same stuff as airplanes. So I get a lot of questions about this.What's his name? Is it functioning? What the f...? I get that all the time...I just just think it's weird I never get asked about the other one...Let's name it below!👇👇

For everyone wondering how guinea pig imports have been spared tariffs. I'm just going to leave this here...and those of you that keep asking if the carpet matches the drapes....it's all the color horrible....

So I have kind of been looking for a new place. The neighborhood I'm in now is prone to flooding, as well as mud slides. It's always dark and humid and the foliage is out of control. Not to mention it smells funny...no not funny just plain bad. Please let me know if you guys have any ideas!

As always I will accompany the President when he visits the King. Due to the importance of my position, my team of backups will come along. While I fly with the president, the team will be close behind in Air Fart 1. I hope the 1st lady comes, if I'm lucky I may get a whiff of her perfume.🤞

Poor Marco...he forgot to bring a colleague of mine along with him...the way he's sitting and the look on his face says it all...I hear that there was an escapee....

Yesterday was the worst day in a long time. This was a traumatizing moment for me. When he makes this face, I am hard at work!! Right after this he had a taco. 🥴😫