Oh hello you’re home early.

POV: you just ordered a beer in an American film

Did somebody say beveragino?

Morning.

Might start just staring at people for hours like this when I want something.

Majority of my time is spent cradling this dickbag when he invites himself up.

I don’t think he’s going to work today.

Bro’s before ho…nest intelligent women, even.

You’re never getting my last rolo, unless you best me in single combat on the lawn. My finishing move is the Chinese neck burn so think on how much you want that rolo pal, lest you be marked for life when I wring you out like a tea towel.

This lad definitely teaches kung-fu

Today can fuck off honestly but luckily the memory of when Oliver wanted to go on stars in their eyes popped up so it’s ok now. Shukka chukka.

I would fight wars to experience this level of comfort and peacefulness just once.

Found this in my belly button.

A midweek motivational message from me and the cat. It’s like the kings speech but for visual learners.

Put your hand in. I double d-o-g dare you.

Does exactly what it says on the shirt pal. Unfortunately “micropenis wielding expert” was a bit pricey as they charge by the letter.

Just had a scam call from someone about my “outstanding debt” and honestly I didn’t know they were into unsolicited compliments too 🥰

27 years ago this month The Sopranos, one of the greatest tv show of all time, premiered on HBO.

Oliver keeps staring out the window at the snow like some sort of war widow, or that woman who killed DiCaprio in the ocean.

The roads are black with ice so we’re chilling indoors. Just dudes being dudes really.

*tiny mlem*

He’s very confused.

This looks like one of those Facebook CCTV photos looking for someone who stole an 8 pack of sausages and a jar of Kenco from the local Nisa.

Went to the toilet at 5am and the cats all ran and hid like we were hiding from the window cleaner.

He’s been watching Instagram again.

If this were a cartoon he’d have a thought bubble above his head with a fish in it.

Become ungovernable.

He looks like he’s just been caught on an episode of “Cheaters”.

Don’t blame me if you zoom in and look into his eyes. Because suddenly it’ll be Saturday night and you have bought him a pack of ham.

Make your own sex joke about the flavour you heathen bastards. Also has like how my thumb looks like it’s holding the Dorito. 10/10.

Imagine hating me and we’re just over here like this in the new year.

I’ll be honest lads, I’m starting to think the minute difference between 11.59pm and 12.00am tonight isn’t going to solve all my problems.

You just gotta accept you’re gonna be covered in cat hair sometimes, so she can watch and imagine eating all the birds.

Got my 1st date of the new year already lined up 🎉 I mean it's a court date for stuffing a baguette I hadn’t paid for down each leg in Tesco's, then running about awkwardly whilst shouting "Lieutenant Dan, you got new legs!" But it's still a date, and I'm dressing up.

My mate has been sick and mostly bedridden over Christmas and New Year, so I went round today and took some presents plus a large bottle of rum. Fingers crossed, he won't even notice they're gone.

"So anyway, I find Wood drastically underestimates the impact of social distinctions predicated upon wealth, especially inherited wealth. Now, what time are we getting off 😏”

He’s so needy. Just a monochrome ball of needy fluff.

Catching my reflection in the kitchen window as I get myself another little Christmas snacky snack at 11pm

He only knows the “it’s christmassss” part of the Slade song, but he sure does fucking rock it when it comes around.

“Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win”.

Fear me, puny mortal.

Catalogue photoshoot

A short story

Vandal

Candid vs Instagram

He’ll do anything to get out of vacuuming.

Them: “where’s your Christmas spirit?” Me:

When the bottom baubles are on the floor the destroyers work is done and he may, finally, rest.

I like how the second one looks like he’s been photoshopped in

Whenever I eat a croissant I get the overwhelming urge to be condescending to people (that means I talk down to them as if they’re stupid).