imagine not hating yourself enough to want to be visible couldn't be me

biting oneself hard enough to draw blood as a form of species-affirming self-harm

hating everything about the way my body looks tonight

anxious. i feel the downward spiral coming.

that one fucking hurt

at that point of the evening where i'm just mindlessly refreshing the Discover tab, eyes glazed over

oh no where did all my happy go. had it just a few hours ago.

just. don't. have the desire to exist today.

things are, in fact, not fine.

the self-loathing is particularly strong this morning

weh

wowee that was a rough night

should go out and howl on this therian day. but i just don't feel it tonight.

is strange. there's my original friend group, the one where i first observed how fun and fulfilling it can be to engage in the Sapphic Vibes and just be a silly, flirty, uninhibited lesbian. and i tried so hard to be part of it during their vr hangouts. but i've never been able to make it happen.

I have an interest in getting to know certain people better. Not all of them reciprocate that feeling. Likewise, there are others who have a desire to know *me* better. I must consider the possibility that it is perhaps better to focus my energy on those who reciprocate this feeling,

Blfc '25 - a really great time that shouldn't have ended as it did

...wh-what?

didn't talk to anyone tonight, and now wolf sad

probably should prune some of my old posts before inviting everyone to look at my vent account especially the ones where I speak vaguely of other critters... but it's kinda obvious who they are >.>;

on some level, brain acts as if a certain friend of mine is the arbiter of which women are attractive or not. And I know she doesn't find me attractive. my brain, as a result, gets bothered by her posts about how gay she is for women, how flustered they make her, knowing I'm not part of that group

*screaming*

yep.

just want to scream. hate myself so goddamn much. and all i want to do is message friends and tell them how i feel like shit and have them tell me i am good, even if my brain doesn't believe it. but that's all i've been doing for days now, getting them to carry the burden of my emotional labor.

hate how twisted up with envy my stomach gets anytime *she* posts a selfie

tired and empty

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

am entirely invisible to my friends. if i wasn't always the one reaching out to talk with them, they wouldn't interact with me at all

frustration of being bothered/distressed, but lacking the self-evaluation skills and mindfulness to know why. so i'm just stuck in Bad Brain

something not right inside my head tonight. just a general feeling of malaise, in spite of how everything is going alright recently

...something is brewing in my head, and i don't like it. Hoping it goes away without incident

anxious, and i don't know why...

would be really cool if my stupid brain would stop pining for *certain* girls - ones i have *zero* reason to think i would be romantically compatible with. Would be especially cool if it would stop being envious of their partners

Brain is upset, but it doesn't know why

brain is trying hard to find reasons to be unhappy. But things in life are going... mostly smoothly at the moment, so I'm able to resist its efforts to make me depressed. But it still causes a small sense of unease. i don't like it.

Brain, can you chill the fuck out for just one night?

Thoughts going on in my head. Can't quite identify what they're saying, but I don't like this feeling building within me The envy/bitterness/resentment is returning

*not* being in a severe depressive episode always feels like the calm before the storm.

woof. just can't seem to catch a break lately

wish i was hot

astrea and rose are very good to me. leaving message to remind future self.

...why am i so hesitant to read that compilation of comics that Rain/vanillayote put out recently?

what if that feeling of hopelessness and self-loathing that i mostly associate with 4 to 6am, but starting from the moment i wake up?

imagine having the confidence and love of oneself to actually want to be visible for even a moment, let alone a whole day couldn't be me

every day, this feeling intensifies

clearly, the best solution for my chronic envy is for everyone around me to stop being visibly happy. so if yall could just get on that, that would be great

i'm fucking pathetic

thinking about this bit again

i should just give up on ever feeling like a wolf. i'm barely even capable of making myself feel like a woman. most days, i can't even manage *that*

i will never truly belong to the group of friends i had hoped to call my pack, will I? can pretend and lie to myself all i want, but the truth is obvious and apparent

so far, it seems if i include the word "therian" in a post, i will get some sort of interaction from one or more total, complete stranger(s)