There's a decent chance during this storm that the president will net $20MM selling absorbent Trump umbrellas that explode like water balloons.

Happy Birthday to America, our crazy old grandma (with cookies to spare) whose lingering prejudices we still hope against hope to soften through sheer force of love. You're kinda batshit, Gram, but I'm not giving up on you.

Choose your fighter.

You know, so many people are saying I have the body of a Greek god.

state fair energy

Is 250 like the attendee count or what?

There are as many people on stage as on the mall.

Imagine how well the stock market would have performed for shareholders had FDR only fought WWII on Friday evenings.

Imagine being mansplained on work ethic by an Albany grad.

Um. Bro, I think YOUR grass is laced with acid.

"Nazi-adjacent" tested poorly in murderer focus groups.

This is painful to watch.

Memorandum of Misunderstanding

She begged me to take a picture with her.

the art of the kneel

Marco Rubio's ulcer lit up the second Trump said Iran should be able to enrich uranium.

Autopen for me, but not for thee.

Watching the vice president defend the president gives me parent-teacher conference flashbacks about my kid.

I'd agree not to enrich uranium for SO much less money.

Most people don't know $300 billion is spelled with a b.

I'm going to take a cold shower.

People saying they love the new White House decor are the same people who thought the devil would wear a tan suit. If this doesn't call for a Queer Eye intervention, then what on earth will?

May you live in interesting times.

Visigoths treat us very unfairly WAR Can’t let Visigoths get MacGuffin MacGuffin price will go down Saw MacGuffin selling for $1.98 Deal with Visigoths any day now Gonna SMITE Visigoths after lunch Deal’s back Most folks don’t know MacGuffin is spelled with capital G I'm on FIRE ow

I've never been so turned on. Not even that time with all three Andrews Sisters in the bilge of Doug Fairbanks' hydrofoil.

I've never been so turned on. Not even that time with all three Andrews Sisters in the bilge of Doug Fairbanks' hydrofoil.

Nancy Mace right now.

Imagine all the weird scandals that are still coming. We're like one clot removed from him masturbating on-air during a Fox & Friends cooking segment.

Trump is like a lucky rabbit's dick.

Exit polling suggests South Carolina voters did not think Nancy Mace was a well-rounded candidate.

"I gave up morning sex to make this concession speech."

Oh look who Maceplanted out of the gate.

If you think the Maine senate race can't get more awkward, consider the non-zero possibility that Graham Platner has been sexting Susan Collins.

I'd like to say preemptively that the White House does not need a fortified subterranean basketball stadium.

Donald Trump is excited to watch Wade Boggs lead the Knicks across the end zone tonight.

This is 100% the face of a very old man shitting his pants on live television.

Mood

Solid math from a man who bankrupted the only three casinos where the house couldn't win a hand of blackjack.

Is Jared Kushner turning into David Gest? I'm only asking because I'm petty af. 😇

This is like pouring Roy Cohn on a dumpster fire for the insurance money from Vesuvio's near-miss mob hit.

THIS. SO MUCH THIS.

The king of Hungary, my 25th great-uncle, congratulating king of the Romans, my 24th great-grandfather, on killing the king of Bohemia, my 25th great-grandfather. Seven centuries later, my family is scarcely less dysfunctional.

NO ONE LIP SYNCS MILLI VANILLI BETTER THAN ME!

Every day you wake up not having to vote in Maine is a good day.

Under any sane administration, this scenario would sound as obtuse as the series finale of Lost.

Underwater by 55%, Donald Trump is alienating young men faster than a Disney film about a non-white mermaid.

All these rumors of crashed UFOs only prove that the aliens must have their own Elon Musk.

If you think voters were angry with John Cornyn, you should have seen the minutes from his book club.