I'm going to reserve judgment until the penile-implant doctor tells me what to think about Christopher Nolan's Odyssey casting.

Maybe we could get SCOTUS one of those baseball robot umpires.

Wait till he finds out Homer is fictional too.

I've taught more university courses on Homer than I can count, yes, including Greek with grad students. And my main takeaway from all those hours of hexameter is that Pillsbury Spock is a poser who wouldn't know the Odyssey from his asshole.

Anyone do a wellness check on Kohl's to see how the pro-tariff shirts they paid tariffs on are selling?

Now which one of youse is General Tso? Because many people are saying Mar-a-Lago has the best orange chicken.

If Kash Patel is ever charged with a crime, prosecutors had better remind the judge that he's a flight risk.

For all the controversial things he claims not to have heard or read, Mike Johnson sure is a fucking know-it-all.

Dr. Sebastian Gorka's critics will all have egg on their faces whenever his alma mater gets accredited.

Who knew Charlie's book was a confessional?

It's dangerous to kiss anyone's ass with prostrata dentata. 🦷

Um. You lost that case. I made a movie about it.

Ladies and Germs, I give you the shortest coma in history.

Hello?! It's called the ART of the Deal. This deal has NO pictures!

Hantavirus hits all the wrong boats.

If you have preempt the observation that you are in a cult, you may be in a cult.

The Supreme Court sleeper cell is not sleeping.

Kash Patel has entered the witness protection program.

Kash Patel going through some stuff in his panic room

I used to live in Memphis. It is one of the most segregated cities in the United States, but clearly not segregated enough for white Republicans. apnews.com/article/redi...

Is the money in the room with us now?

Trump dispatches the USS Nimitz aircraft carrier group to Chicago to seize the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction after rigged voting snubs him for 79th consecutive year. www.npr.org/2026/05/04/n...

Meanwhile, Spirit says:

We're in a war because of a lunatic who already has a nuclear weapon.

We can't even escape this motherfucker abroad.

5th-place baby-holder Riley Gaines asking why so many bills from the pediatric chiropractor

A visibly jealous Trump grouses to King Charles that loser judges hardly let him behead anyone.

One measly assassination attempt and the whole world is yelling your middle name like that time you broke your mom's off-brand Tiffany lamp.

I will vote for any 2028 presidential candidate willing to convert the ballroom into a soup kitchen.

"Ballroom" is a weird way to spell brothel.

And that's why we have to build the ballroom, kids.

Save the cheerleader, save the world.

CBS correspondent yet again covering his ass.

Trump announces he has recalled Jared Kushner and Steve Witkoff from McDonald's drive-thru.

It's like the surface of Arrakis.

No one ever talks about the times I peed indoors.

When you're the only one at the White House Correspondents' Dinner who didn't get the joke...

RIP Don't know/no opinion demos

DISCOVERY! The new DRINKING GAME from Parker Brothers! Lawyer: Mr. Patel, I'm going to ask you a series of questions. Kash: 🍺😜 Lawyer: Whoa. Whoa. I haven't started yet. Kash: 🍺😜 Lawyer: Objection.

Holy McShit Dayum.

And he was never seen again.

Insider training is the only crime I won't commit in Congress, mainly because I don't know how.

When your pick-up line backfires because you're Bobby Kennedy Junior...

Whataboutism is the third biggest red flag in a toxic relationship.

This was the dumbest historical window for me to experiment with sobriety.

This is not gonna help my Cassandra Complex. apnews.com/article/sout...

Knock. Knock. Who's there? Owen. Owen who? Owen 11.