President demands aircraft carriers run on coal. Rocket magnate proposes titanic catapult. Worst Jules Verne book ever.

I failed high school Spanish. What does this sign say? Call 911.

Grok: Webster’s defines “golden age” as the highest prices and grimmest job reports this side of the Black Death.

We are the perverts we’ve been waiting for.

The same grand jury has declined to indict Poland for invading itself.

Lo did Greenland gnash and groan/ neath lance and billhook whetted/ akimbo plans from fever dreams/ still damp from bedsheets wetted www.reuters.com/business/ene...

Noted brown-noser reassures nation that toxins furiously evacuated from our various orifices are perfectly healthy to re-ingest.

Bros kidnapping people with valid IDs are the same bros who couldn’t get security clearance without a presidential pardon, an afterlife without a hell, and a hot mess of which Karma herself wants no part.

Dumbstruck country mouse in the big city admits he’s never ridden the metro.

Not a good sign. Military not in the loop. Every train system needs a terminal. Every gulag archipelago needs a hub. apnews.com/article/faa-...

Omg shut up, you fucking baby.

JD Vance was very disappointed to learn the Armenian Genocide Memorial is anti-genocide.

Why do people accusing Kid Rock of lip synching think Kid Rock can lip synch?

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but the FCC chair just said he didn’t know the difference between Spanish and profanity.

You know the jobs report is going to be bad when the administration is blaming its own immigration policies.

I was hoping no one would notice the notorious Spanish Main loophole clause the Founders slipped into the First Amendment. www.tallahassee.com/story/news/s...

I’m not a lawyer. What do they call evidence seized with a search warrant obtained by lying to the judge?

This is the face of someone who suddenly wishes he’d gone into the office on 9/11.

Kid Rock admitting he watched the Bad Bunny halftime show instead of the counter-programming he was headlining is peak Kid Rock.

Lutnick may be the first populist billionaire to admit he doesn’t know what it means to be poor.

Megyn Kelly calls Taco Bell’s Mexican Pizza a middle finger to the Alamodome.

If you’re already in a federal penitentiary for trafficking children and you’re afraid that answering some questions about trafficking children may incriminate you, sorry, probably there’s no self-help book for that.

Under any normal administration, this many voters should not be able to identify the commerce secretary.

There’s a serious chance Elon can’t tell the moon and Mars apart.

Elon Musk promises moon city (staffed by robotaxis, UFC fights between Transformers and Gobots, and wild parties with real girls who think your Knights Who Say Ni! jokes are adorable) by summer 2024.

Kid Rock wiped out so bad, Lindsey Vonn just sent him a get well card.

If you can smell burning toast, you may be the president.

Kid Rock wiped out so bad, Lindsey Vonn just sent him a get well card.

Oh to be ketchup on the wall when Bad Bunny wins the Nobel Peace Prize.

Weird way to tell seven billion people about your micropenis.

It’s not a sin to be white. In Andy’s case, for example, it’s more like circumstantial evidence.

RFK’s tailgate spread features mainly road-to-table bear and death cap shrooms in an aioli of secretions from his own body.

Immigrants only appear in the Epstein files when rich populists are brainstorming how to exploit them for sex, slave labor, or political points.

What I picture when people unironically debate which AI chatbot is smartest...

Antiquing today for haunted furnishings and OMFG check out the eerie, leering visage of this demon-possessed heirloom and also this clown.

Tulsi Gabbard spotted seizing ballots for best reality series from 2005 Emmys.

Batting .900 with pedophiles is a weird stat to hype at your hall of fame ballotting.

White House celebrates long tradition of Nazis bashing American athletes.

Wait till he finds out who's representing us in the White House.

Oz is 100% that guy in high school who told you his jizz was good for your skin.

Same news cycle. Not even the biggest news. Benghazi trending on Twitter.

ICE dude ducking dildo downpour

Trump’s white supporters genuinely don’t believe he’s a racist, because, in their worldview, the only possible victims of racism are themselves.

Dear American Olympians: You have a powerful platform to communicate to the rest of the world how most of us feel right now. Please, use it.

I can’t believe any racist tweets would be approved by a gentleman slumlord whose first brush with the federal government was HUD charges of evicting black people from affordable housing in order to charge white people higher prices for the same units billed as affordable housing.

There are millions who still don’t believe billionaire oligarchs would behave this way and millions more who don’t care if they did so long as they get to post racist memes and so many millions more who think this is somehow resolvable if no one listens to people who point out this math to them.

To honor Charlie Kirk, the Turning Point USA halftime show will be played in the missionary position.

The Washington Post has laid off all its adverbs.

Life isn’t fair. Karma on the other hand…

Trump has assured young voters he is the least racist president ever to tweet this much racism.