Sometimes you have to go where to came from to appreciate where you are.

I have a turkey hangover

I saw a little girl kiss a puppy today and the innocent joy made me cry. There's too much stress, crowds, people, hatred, traffic, anger, injustice. Evil. There's no rest. Not enough love, forgiveness, joy, money, peace. I'm tired of struggling and feeling overwhelmed about everything.

We don't deserve dogs. Though we do sometimes have to shave their asses to get the dried poop off.

Ok, I spent the afternoon cooking food. Somebody please be impressed

Me: I'm gonna have the best sleep ever tonight Universe: BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU WEAK PATHETIC FOOL (SNORT LAUGHS) BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ok Short Round, show me what a bad ass you can be

I get to bachelor this weekend and I don't even know what to do first

No no, Mr Tailgater guy, after YOU...enjoy pulling your big truck into the other lane and roaring past me in victory, the red light ahead will be happy to see you get there first. Oh look, on an unrelated note, my lane has less cars at the red light and wouldn't you know it...now I'm 5 cars ahead.

Me: I miss the vending machine in the office <they put it in> Me: $2 for 4 potato chips? Get rid of this thing!! Pfft!

I'm buying a wrench, I don't also want socks or an extended warranty, I don't want to upgrade, I don't want home delivery or your stupid points card or monopoly money or to have to find a coupon on the app, or to do a survey or your fucking credit card. Here's my $5. Just let me pay and fuck off

From this point on, the universe will be referred to as Kyle's mom

Going home day is coming too fast and I'm not ready for it

This. Is. The. Life.

Ocean, baby...ocean 😎

Fuck. Fiiiinalllllly 😎

Countdown is on. 8 more hours of work until I can fully engage holiday mode. In 48 hours I'll be at Destination 1

Oh good...Monday

I feel like a movie based on my life would have me cast as the nameless out of focus janitor who only appears in the background

It's a good thing I've never been exposed to gamma rays, everything around me would be so fucked today.

We've reached the "oh F$%@" part of the day

*smashes head against the wall* That's better

This workday can eat a big bag of dicks.

Going to the work vending machine and spending 2x the money for 1/4 the product is absolute entrapment.

35 years ago a hot girl was flirting with my oblivious ass and my friend pulled me aside afterwards and explained how I blew it. I still think about that day and that girl sometimes.

This feels like the Mondayest Monday of all Mondays

Didn't want to get up this early but my friend tequila hangover is an early riser and popped by unexpectedly

Ok. I'm ready to back home now

And across the country we go...

If you seen me camping on the Island in the middle of the lake, it's by design to be away from people...stay away, I'll have an axe.

Dear today, you can kindly go fuck yourself. You're not gonna break me.

Nothing makes a day better than a hug from one of your favorite people ❤️

I’m going to a kids movie, with a theatre that will have kids, and I’m not bringing kids. But…I get to see my friend

Woke up this morning and was like...what is this strange feeling? I'm...I'm...relaxed

Come with me away from the noisy people. We'll lay in the field of nature, converse with the fireflies and drink in the magical blanket of the stars.

I've never felt the need for a holiday to my core more than I do now. It starts in 5 hours.

A soul-to-soul connection is worth the wait. Soulmates aren't just romantic, they're friends too. Your soulmates will recognize you, befriend you, understand you, support you, love you, heal with you, and grow with you. They match the energy of your inner child and your old soul.

I'm as nice as the average person...maybe a little more, but if you fuck with my kid I might go to jail if I get my hands on you

I just cut the grass in the rain not because it's been raining for 6 days and it's a jungle, but because I'm a badass

Sometimes when you're walking your dog and right song comes on, you have to ignore who's watching and let the rhythm get you

Me: Ahhh, a day off, I'm gonna get so much done. Also me: takes an edible and loses 3 hours

I'm so tired today that I absolutely look my age

I don't care if I can see my dog run away for 10 miles in the prairie land. I need mountains and water

Rice Krispy treats really are top tier. At least for the first 15 minutes before they turn into rock.

With the exception of a few select people who know who they are, I wish I could mute mankind sometimes.

Sometimes you just need a sandwich the size of a compact car

I still have PTSD from when Coke changed it's formula and tried to pass off it's replacement as better.

In the office today, so naturally I'm eating my lunch for breakfast

Today feels like a "crack open a beverage in the middle of the day" kind of day

I have officially turned this day off and back on again...lets try this again