i feel like i am going to go insane trying to talk to people n in groups n almost always getting ignored anyways it makes me feel like i'm not actually genuinely real and like im actually dead n haven't noticed n that's why no one's saying anything back

g&b chat is so awful half the time n full of people complaining n arguing over pointless things. so i like hitting them with a random food question like "do you guys fw brisket" & it instantly snaps them out of it

scrolling back on some stuff we wrote in a priv server during a Shitty Period w/ Him a few yrs back n if none of the shit we wrote to ourselves wasn't an early sign of our plurality, then idk what is

visit yesterday went well despite being so so stressed the entire day n now all i have to do is wait once more until the prescription's in our hands.., we're so fucking close

coping rly hard w the 4 days until our clinic visit by obsessively searching up every little info n random people's hrt timelines as much as we can ( i am really anxious over 50 things )

im so sick of having worsened memory

when will i make friends who actually like me ( and aren't creeps ) ( and not weird ) ( and aren't willing to let me drown in a cold lake alone )

we were gonna play little nightmares 3 demo w our partner n was so confused n getting distressed abt why it kept suddenly disappearing whenever i tried to open it. i forgot my kamvas technically counts as a 2nd monitor i'm never getting used to this shit

i am in a dire need for beef veggie kebab in general actually

been thinking abt beef kebab with sichuan chili powder for like the past two weeks ever since we went to a bbq i miss her

i don't know if our ex still stalks our socials yrs later and we will continue w our usual anyway even if he still does. but if there's one last thing i can rub in his face, it's now being in a loving T4T relationship w our partner where we genuinely feel safe, personified, & respected.

been frontstuck for so long and it's taking a toll on me but i cant do anything about it because i'm always needed n expected to be there for something but no one else wants to front bc they're not comfortable talking around our friends yet but there's nowhere else to speak in

we’re boutta see a whole wave of people putting “homestuck fans dni” on their strawpage

having some savings and calling it "emergency money" has kinda fucked us over because now we can't even define what an actual emergency counts as in the sense that we could be at risk of homelessness rn and we'd STILL think that's not enough good reason to dig into our savings

we keep thinking abt reopening comms now that we're looking for something to properly replace this laptop for good since it's been degrading heavily this year.. but that'd mean setting up info and figuring out new prices n all that and we just can't be bothered

somewhat unrelated note though if you assume all of us are gonna be friendly bestie sunshine n rainbow headmates or that we are gonna act like our source we are going to fucking kill you sorry. i've already played these games before :broken_jeart:

everytime a popular post talking abt plurality or DID in general pops up n my tl, i have to restrain myself to not look at the post or even its replies bc then i'll get reminded abt why a lot of systems generally mask / hide n it makes me sad

ive been a lot more irritated n pissed off lately i think that means it's time to leave front

who knew an oc that used to give us so much joy to talk about has now ended up giving us so much suffering and conflict internally even now. lol

i never thought abt ranch was made of but i never expected it to just be sour cream n mayo

i hate being frontstuck as the default front / host no matter how blurry everything gets, bc i just end up never giving anyone else time to front enough to talk to people or figure themselves out so they just end up going quiet for a long time

out of literally every single character to introject from after playing n replaying deltarune i did not expect it to just be a kris fuckin dreemur n nobody else

"i can't tell if i'm new or this is just temporary so lets just do nothing to see if the feeling goes away" "it's been 3 days now. why is that feeling still here"

so alienated n unperceivable from everyone that don't even know if we're real anymore

i like lethal compnay's new bird enemy it spawned first map and instantly tore our bodies to shreds

our driving instructor stopped mid lesson just to fill in a drivers test appointment for me n then went to take a shit & it's in under 2 weeks im cooked

art fight is coming up and i actually don't know how to go abt using it to represent different headmates other than like. colours and eye shape / types n maybe clothing. i want it to represent us better n let it be more varied but im so clueless lol

i know brussel sprouts are generally unpopular, but we've never had them ever until we got given a bag of them to roast and now they're literally our favourite veggie ever. maybe a bit more than broccoli even

been so blurry lately that by the time we think we've figured out who's at front, suddenly someone else comes in and we're back to being frustrated over not knowing who we are

i'm homesick for places that do not exist, but literally. why can't i sit alone in liminal* spaces

debating whether or not we should list our headmates for af except most of us are literally fictives and like stealing forms from media we like so i dont know how well that will hold up

our neighbour right outside our window keeps bringing dogs in after mysteriously getting rid of every single one before it and leaving them out in their backyard to bark all night what the fuck is this man

we've done nothing but hyperfixate on building in mc and mc-related things again n we already made figura avatars for like two of our headmates so far. we're doing a big fat trading hall

our friend is actively taking measures to make sure it wouldn't be as scary coming out to our current friend group wtf man /positive

we got isat artbook in our hands.. finally

i suppose i've inherited the liminal pool space interest now.

for one i'm glad we didn't find out we were plural 2-3 yrs ago while our ex was still around bc it would've fucked us up early syscovery. on the other hand we've missed out on potentially having a community w/ systems when twitter wasn't surpressing posts Super Badly and now it's lonelier

new guy showed up yesterday and of all the things, they've attached themselves to a source we've barely played much of nor have remembered about its existence for months. are you kidding me

nevermind i just made it and im rediscovering why we've mostly avoided raw fish it was an actual texture issue

coming back once again only to be forced to take the back seat again bc i don't want to fucking have to talk to people and then be marveled at like a fucking fun cartoon character. ughhhh

i think we have a Small issue of assuming people inherently do not care for us very much n gossip abt us behind closed doors and will be out to get us one day. Haha

really want to try smoked salmon n cream cheese bagel rn

i don't even know how to tell certain people that some of the others in here wouldn't / don't even consider them as friends even if the hosts do. you literally just have to respect them and their space and maybe it'll be fine.

i'm starting to realize why the system's been quiet lately and i can't even blame the others for not being interested in coming near front anymore. cause i wouldn't want people to act like we're besties either if i've barely interacted or knew them lmfao

our little came back just to ask our sleeping friends if they breathe, then left.

easy-tear boxes are a fucking scam they do Nothing. please just let me open the fucking pasta

finally realized why own self ended up splitting from one of hosts from amt of times hve gotten upset n triggered from exact same memories n topics now tht keep coming back... so fun thanks brain.... wow..

the way we ended up using twitter mainly to look at n like rat n bird videos kinda little funny bc every single video of rat being held always in middle of cesspool of reactionary posts who can't help but feel the dire Need to qrt nzis n blue checks

hapy birthday to me