Would you disturb her peaceful slumber?

Are you fucking serious that The Hobbit ends with Bilbo losing his reputation for being seen as “queer” lmfao

Morning

Up Next

All the lads coming together and holding each other’s throbbing pride on International Men’s Day

Wearing a “Mind Goblin” hat to the Radiologist for a testicular ultrasound hoping the receptionist asks “what’s a mind goblin” so i can respond “mind goblin deez nuts”

Welcome to your forever family *guard locks the gate, walks down the torch lit hall, and wicked, green goblin eyes open one after the other breaking the darkness like stars in the night sky*

Old books be like "The party was gay as they pressed into the queer hole, that became queerer and queerer with each gay step.."

Updating my girlfriend about my read through of The Hobbit

Tomorrow is not a new day. Every permutation of events within it has already existed within my mind

I have decided I am actually going to start reading books now. All the other times I said that are to be ignored and not thrown in my face, especially not by my own mind that endlessly seems to work against my own betterment!

I am so lost

Gynecologist office receptionist: *to patient before getting pulled into the other room to get fired* co-pay is due at the time of cervix

Just got these for you

Snow Dog Alert 🚨

The Golden Larches

Go Pack Go

⛷️

Had a dream i had a pistol in my hand at a house party, i kept being like “why do i have a pistol, i don’t own a pistol, who gave me this pistol?” and everyone kept cheering for me like it was some kinda comedy bit

Riff i’m working on

The Pissler

Now is the perfect time to kick off my penny minting business

Steely Dan? Frank Zappa? Video Game? Hard to tell what exactly the inspiration is but here is a quirky groove and riff combination I have been having fun with

Winter weather has returned and the New York State Police reminds motorists to use extra caution while smoking a spliff in snowy and icy conditions.

Absolutely awful Packers games the last two weeks but i’m still excited as Hell to finally see my first NFL game next weekend. Packers @ Giants

This was the funniest game i think i ever watched

Vintage Jordan Love interception incoming

You can drink so many different things out of mugs. Do not limit yourself

Can’t believe I missed the Heat-Cavs OT thriller for this NFL game

It’s not often that you get to watch fans of two opposing teams both hate their teams during the same game. These are sacred moments

MLF just went for it on 4th and 9 near midfield after blaming their loss last week in an interview on his decision to go for it on like 4th and 8 lol

A truly satiating first half of football

Monday Night Football is ELECTRIC

How the Hell am I supposed to shit in this All Gender bathroom if i’m only one of them?

My first 2 hours run

Girlfriend Asking For Her Water Bottle To Be Refilled - Slowed + Reverb

Missed Call From: Maybe: Jeff Penis Call Back Ignore

Sorry officer could you repeat that? I was just thinking about my goldfish that died earlier this year and didn’t catch any of what you were saying

Me: I have been urinating a lot more frequently recently Doctor: Ok. Can you urinate in this cup for a urine sample? Me: I don’t really have to go right now

She is absolutely fed up with the current state pf the economy

I just worried about everything that isn’t going to happen so that you don’t have to

I logged off Twitter a year ago and haven’t signed in since. Life has substantially improved since then 👍

Next garmin update will allow it to not just call you fat, but ugly too

My newest realization as a man in his 30’s who has lost his edge a bit The Fray’s hits are really good

This would get me death threats on a “Rate My Plate” Facebook group because there is fruit on the plate

My dog always tries to manipulate me into actively playing with her by getting the ball stuck under the couch on purpose

Enough of the damn smashburgers. I want a medium rare burger. Gosh

You’re right — you actually 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 gone to the emergency room instead of ignore the symptoms. Would you like me to 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐧 𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 to your location?

Results aren’t in yet but I am losing faith that Phage D. Biscotti will be elected your next mayor of New York City

I haven’t shown enough respect for parchment paper over the years. Good stuff