Hello Sarge. That pack of missing Reform MPs who escaped from Parliament? I’ve spotted ‘em Sarge. They’re outside Tesco Express. They’re raiding the bins for food & are trying to hunt starlings & sparrows.They look in a bad way Sarge, one’s limping & another has cuts to his legs.

Nigel Farage trying to make out he’s some sort of football fan at Ipswich Town FC yesterday?🙈 He’ll never beat this great footballing giant: Boris Boris Ra Ra Ra! ⚽️💪

I have been honoured to receive a letter from President Donald Trump. It reads: HIGH MIKE. I AM SO PLEASE TWO BEE ABEL TO RIGHT TO YOU. ASS AN IMPOTENT CONSERVATIVE POLITICIAN I HOPE EYE CAN COUNT ON YOU & YOURE PARTY TO SPORT MY ACTIONS IN THE WORE AGAINST IRON. THINK YOU, DON X

To The United States of America: When your President & his staff don’t know how to spell the word ‘which’ on a missive as important as this then you know you’ve elected a bit of a dick. 😊

Back from Dubai & what do we find? Lee Anderson being waxed & seductively mouthing the word ‘Anus.’ Bunty has gone all moist. The vicar’s wife has dripped all over her font. Len our Reform UK butcher has just herb crusted his pork & Simple Sally has glued herself to a goat. 😱

Bunty & I are off on a short break. We are on a mission to save somewhere hot, sunny & Christian. Yes we’re off to protect Dubai from Iran with: Ramrod our golden Lab Newly bronzed flaps Muffins And pumped up camel toes. Conor & Andrew, we’re on our way loves!😘 Back in 5 days!🐫

Now we’ve got Conor McGregor with his horse & Andrew Tate with his jewel encrusted bum bag protecting the UAE from Iran…who can we add to the task force? Big Bad Bob Jenrick & his Cheltenham lads? Larry Grayson? Rylan? Phillip Schofield? Mad Dog Matt Hancock? JK Rowling? Limahl?

Yes, you’re probably right in calling me a critic of Nigel Farage. But I have to admit one thing. And it pains me to say it: Farage is an honest & committed politician who is without doubt a man of his word. 👍

Jill came across a shoplifter in the village shop yesterday. She hid a huge muffin under her coat & then stuffed moist baps down her trousers. When challenged this deranged woman told Jill to frack off & called her a blob. Simple Sally chased her off with a mop & a blow torch. 😱

My sincere apologies but I forgot to include these two new £5 note designs in my recent portfolio.🫢

Who needs Churchill or a bloody beaver on a crisp £5 note?😤 I have been designing some alternatives which I think you’ll agree are infinitely more superior. 👍

Who needs Churchill or a bloody beaver on a crisp £5 note?😤 I have been designing some alternatives which I think you’ll agree are infinitely more superior. 👍

I must admit I do like the new Reform UK manifesto: ‘WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG NO NO NO NO NO NO!’ It’s catchy isn’t it? Bit like one of those wrap songs. 🎤🎵 DJ U-Turn is in da house & layin down sum fat off grooves! (As Dean our Paperboy would say…) 🙈

GREAT NEWS! A special task force of elderly bald men, smelling of chives and armed with small penises, has arrived to liberate Dubai from the Iranian onslaught! 💪

GREAT NEWS! A special task force of elderly bald men, smelling of chives and armed with small penises, has arrived to liberate Dubai from the Iranian onslaught! 💪

2 of Britain’s favourite chaps are joining forces to invest in Bitcoin(whatever that is). It’s bound to be a HUGE success because Nige & Kwasi go together like: Herpes & Chlamydia Trump & Nappies Nads Dorries & Gin Spurs & Managers Lee Anderson & Kindness Chaka Demus & Pliers.🎉

This is my wife Bunty and I visiting the village shop after watching Chris Philp’s latest message to the nation.😳

‘Everyone place your hands on the person whose trousers smell of excrement.’

That dinner menu in full as President Trump entertains Mr Farage at Mar-a-Lago: Porn Cocktail. Jizz Pancakes with salted Clacton Cream. Small sausages & wrinkled chestnuts in a dry rub. Burnt Chicken Kyiv. Spotted Dick with a 30p Lee Syrup. Coffee, Liqueurs & Nappies. 🤮

Dean our Paperboy announces he is standing for Reform in the next council elections. ‘Why?’ I sadly ask. ‘Mr Anderson has promised me all the Greggs I can eat plus a new BMX & Simple Sally in the village shop is standing too. She’s been promised lots of wood shavings & mince.’😬

1. ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’ on television. 2. Nearly everyone in the world wearing trainers. 3. Kale, spinach & apple smoothies. 4. Wrap music.

OK Apart from Imposing tariffs on us Meddling in our politics Sueing the BBC Slagging off our troops in Afghanistan Being an alleged paedophile & starting WW3 Pres. Trump is a great ally & Keir Starmer SHOULD start acting like a snivelling shit & support him. SORT IT OUT STARMER!

The Daily Mail is often slagged off for right wing hyperbole, stupid hysteria and over reaction. But no one ever praises the paper for reasoned & logical articles like this one. I’m absolutely 100% sure most Londoners wished they were living in the Middle East at the moment. 🤔

‘Mum. Look here! It’s another instalment from Isabel Oakeshott. Today she’s telling us how brave her au pair was in cooking the family’s Native lobster, roasted heritage carrots and buttermilk purée whilst being bombarded by enemy missiles…’

FAO NIGEL FARAGE! Joseph Conrad Vivien Leigh Gerald Durrell T.S. Eliot Rudyard Kipling Joanna Lumley Freddie Mercury George Orwell Tessa Sanderson J.R.R. Tolkien Mo Salah All unable to vote despite their contribution to our country because they were born outside the UK. 🤔😡

Gorton and Denton. Just a simple question for Reform: Does this mean Matt Goodwin is now a ‘Shadow’ MP? 😜

Please Today All you Northerners VOTE CONSERVATIVE in Gorton and Denton. Why? -Our candidate has big glasses(must be clever) -I think she’s a Northerner like you lot -Erm -Bunty tells me she’s got pretty eyes -Really? -Oh well, I suppose so -Um -She smells nice - Will that do? 🙏

I see Toys-R-Us are marketing their new Shadow Home Secretary Dressing Up Kit (ages 5-8). It comes with podium, name plate, dummy microphone, smart suit and an idiot.😊

Jill in the village shop is angry: “Had that Fergie in here yesterday begging for a job,”she says. “Told her Dean & Simple Sally work here. Suggested she might try joining a provincial theatre tour of ‘The Vagina Monologues’ or make some toe sucking videos on that OnlyFannies’ 😬

😉

Two lovers reunited this morning❤️ Boris & Laura. Bunty went all moist on me. Jill in the village shop had a trickle. It brought a tear to my teat. Boris & Laura Our Andy & Fergie Our Worzel & Aunt Sally Our Hitler & Dr David Starkey Our Peters & Lee Our Jizz Love conkers all!😍

Mr Trump’s inaugural meeting of his Bored of Peace looked great fun! Held to a background of Elvis tunes it was lovely to see Gianni Infantile President of the Nation of FIFA present. Not only that President Bernardo Manning of Argentina proved he was a hunk of burning love.🥳

Ahem… And who’s going to tell this chap the latest news regarding Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor & his arrest for SUSPICION OF MISCONDUCT IN PUBLIC OFFICE OVER HIS LINKS TO JEFFREY EPSTEIN? 😊

That Farage cabinet in full… Bob Jenrick: Minister for Unerpants & Socks Suella Braverman: Minister for Anger & Rage Lee Anderson: Shadow Secretary for Shadows Ann Widdecombe: Minister for Margarine & Sheds Richard Tice: Minister for Blondes Zia Yusuf: Minister for Conkers & Teats.

President Donald Trump pays a moving tribute to himself on the death of Jesse Jackson. 😢

Ah how I long for the pancake days of old. Not pancakes flavoured with cardamom, hot honey or miso. But good old fashioned ones made of eggs, coal & dust. And do you remember when a young Margaret Thatcher & a group of young Tories chased a French crêpe out of Kent? Happy days!🇬🇧

President Donald Trump pays a moving tribute to himself on the death of Jesse Jackson. 😢

Ah how I long for the pancake days of old. Not pancakes flavoured with cardamom, hot honey or miso. But good old fashioned ones made of eggs, coal & dust. And do you remember when a young Margaret Thatcher & a group of young Tories chased a French crêpe out of Kent? Happy days!🇬🇧

Only just seen this wonderful photo. By the somewhat pained look on President Trump’s face, am I right to presume our Liz has her finger firmly stuck up his rectum? 😬

Latest odds on Nadhim’s man who looked like he may be violent & hadn’t slept for a week: The artist formerly known as Prince Andrew 2/1 John Inman 3/1 Lee Anderson 4/1 Ronnie Pickering 5/1 Thomas Frank 7/1 Me 7/1 Sir Jim Ratcliffe 8/1 Ann Widdecombe 9/1 Rylan 9/1 Chris Mason 20/1

‘You, Boy! Follow that Nadhim Zahawi chap and scare the shit out of him!’

‘You, Boy! Follow that Nadhim Zahawi chap and scare the shit out of him!’

Latest odds on Nadhim’s man who looked like he may be violent & hadn’t slept for a week: The artist formerly known as Prince Andrew 2/1 John Inman 3/1 Lee Anderson 4/1 Ronnie Pickering 5/1 Thomas Frank 7/1 Me 7/1 Sir Jim Ratcliffe 8/1 Ann Widdecombe 9/1 Rylan 9/1 Chris Mason 20/1

I’ve managed to sort out The Times Magazine for this weekend:

You know the people of Dubai are wise & learned. Take for example this female Dubai citizen. She intelligently argues that all billionaires should be allowed to be ignorant, racist & fascist. Why? Because they er… Um…. Erm… Have lots of money. That’s it Have lots of money. 🤔

Please just for today say a prayer for the BBC’s Chris Mason.🙏🏻 This brave & much loved Conservative stormtrooper has fought tooth & nail to bring down a Labour Govt It didn’t quite work out Chris but you will join the long list of Tory heroes such as Boris & Maggie! Hero! 😢

I went into the village shop this morning. Whilst sampling Jill’s baps I casually mentioned to her that Morgan McSweeney had gone. ‘Oh golly that’s sad’ said Jill, ‘Didn’t she play Fallon Carrington in Dynasty? I bloody loved that programme…’ 😬

I warned Starmer about Mandelson. My wife Bunty did So did Dean our paperboy Ramrod our Lab did. Jill in the village shop baked some warning baps for him & Simple Sally, who helps Jill, warned him using dance & spit. Ronnie Pickering warned him. So did Chaka Demus. And Pliers. Why didn’t he LISTEN?🤦🏻‍♂️

I’ve managed to fix The Times Magazine cover for this weekend. Hope this helps. 😊

I must say, even as a Tory, that Reform can never be accused of hypocrisy. For instance Nigel Farage saying Mr Starmer’s association with Mr Mandelson was a “Grave error of judgement” & he should resign. Mr Farage’s ‘associations’ could NEVER be called grave errors of judgement.🤔