My wife Bunty and I would like to wish you all a MERRY CHRISTMAS unless of course you are: Ben Duckett Bearded Tattooed Claiming benefits A wrap music singer A plumber A cyclist Currently on Mumsnet A wearer of cropped shorts From Kidderminster. Yes I have been on the sherry. 🥴🎄

Nigel Farage truly is a lovely guy. He visits a part of the country he’s never been to before and hands out love, olive oil, DNA & tufts of hair. Our Mother Teresa Our Ben Duckett Our Doris Day Our Karen Carney Our Gusset Our Anal Porridge. Gawd bless ‘im! 🤢

Oh sodding hell!😡 That Thomas Skinner chap…the sweaty cockney patriot. He’s done another bloody video of himself enjoying an East End breakfast before working on his stall, Guvna.😱 🎵Any time you're Lambeth way, Any evening, any day, You'll find us all Suing The BBC…Bosh!🎵

I quote from Andrew Tate’s X profile: ‘Unmatched perspicacity coupled with sheer indefatigability makes me a feared opponent in any realm of human endeavour.’ Erm… This is certainly not the case when it comes to boxing Andy. Oh dear. You poor little love. 😉

-I am neutral but I support something you don’t support. -I am neutral but I support The Reform Party. This lady is someone called June Skateboard? No way does she understand neutrality. 😂 She’s the sort of person who pushes in at queues & moans about price of Prosecco at Tesco.

No wonder women are outraged by the John Lewis Christmas advert where a young mum receives a frying pan as a present. A frying pan is not a gift to buy today’s modern woman. It’s patronising & offensive!😡 A food blender or an air fryer would have been far more appropriate.✅

This is what true patriotism looks like! A sad middle aged man, puffed up to look like Rod Stewart & an immigrant himself, eating ‘English’ grub in an Islamic country whilst slagging off the UK, Islam and migrants. Charlie Muggins: Our Fluff Our Stain Our Belch Our Stray Pube. 🇬🇧

I have my own Christian Church now. ‘A Reading from the Book of Take 1:3-15. And there came from the land of Gussage a great prophet called Take. He smote the jegging clothed & preached against Chai Lattes, tattoos, moths & an evil demon who seized the kingdom of Clacton.’ 🙏🏻

Tommy Robinson’s Unite The Kingdom Carol service. Please all join in: 🎵”Silent night! Holy night! All is racist, all is white Round yon Arian mother and child Holy Tommy, so tender, sieg heiled! Grift in hypocritical peace! Grift in hypocritical peace!”🎵 Merry Christmas!😔🎄

The Reform Christian Church: Its patron saint is of course St. Judas Iscariot. Let us pray: 🙏🏻 ‘Our Nigel, which art in parliament, Farage be thy Name; Thy fascism come; Thy will be done in Dubai, as it is in Clacton.’ As for that Jesus bloke, he’s a bloody leftard.😤

We’re rehearsing our village pantomime! Huw Edwards plays Baron Hardup. Carol Malone & Priti Patel are the ugly sisters. Gregg Wallace plays Buttons, who hilariously keeps losing his trousers. Richard Tice is Aladdin. And here’s Boris Johnson as Mounjaro the Christmas fairy! 🎭😊

Even as a Tory I must admit Reform MPs are devoted to serving their constituencies. For example Lee Anderson selling his ‘funny’ 30p football shirts in Ashdown & Nigel Farage’s outstanding work in Clacton. Oh & here is Richard Tice working hard in his constituency of Skegness. 📃

My wife Bunty & I had the privilege of visiting Nigel Farage in his campaign office during the last election. He was so lovely & allowed Bunters to take a photo of him (shown below). There was absolutely no hint of him exceeding electoral expenses & being involved in fraud. 😊

There is only one person responsible for England’s appalling performance in The Ashes and that person is RACHEL REEVES. By raising income tax in her budget she has put unbearable fiscal pressure on our top order batters. She also blatantly lied about Bazball. She MUST resign! 😡

‘It’s from Daddy. He says he’s had a bit of a weird time of late. Apparently he went to a World Cup draw and ended up being presented with some sort of World peace prize…’

The new Liz Truss Show, EVERY Friday on GB Noise! Will Liz trickle down live on air? 😬 Will she show us her pie, or maybe her wet lettuce? Will Kwasi pop along & boast about his economic growth? Could there be live fracking on air? 😳 Tune in & find out! 🇬🇧

Here’s Albert Steptoe MP stating what would be called ‘The bloody obvious.’ He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed is he? 🥹

Ha Ha Nigel! We’re gradually taking over your party from within: Danny Kruger Jonathan Gullis Nadine Dorries. By the time of the next election WE will be in charge of your party old boy. And you’ll be stuck in Clacton unable to stop us. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha (evil, sniggering laugh.)😝

Jonathan Gullis has defected to Reform. What a coup for them! Jonathan will add: Hair Grunts An odour of hay An itchy hole Fungi Wrinkled shirts Porridge Jizz Conker hairs Squirrel food And damp patches wherever he sits. He truly will be a great asset. 🇬🇧

I preferred it when Rod Stewart sung lovely songs such as ‘Sailing,’ ‘Mull of Kintyre’ and ‘Margaret May.’ Now he’s become all radicalised, wallpapering his rooms in animal skin and sending back his gongs. 😬

It’s my birthday! Bunty has given me breakfast in bed allowing me to smear jam on her croissants. Later on Jill in the village shop is giving me a taste of her Lemon drizzle. Then Bunty & I will settle down & watch our DVD of Liz Truss’s greatest moments! 🥳

Nigel Farage… A fascist and racist during his schooldays? I just don’t believe it!

First Post Budget Poll: ➡️REF – 1% (-12) 🔵CON – 42% (+2) 🟢GRN – 8% (+1) 🔴LAB – 12% (-) 🟠LD – 11% (-) 🏏LBW -3% (+1) 🍆VD - 8% (-3) 😆LOL - 6% (+2) 🛒VAT - 20% (-) 👨‍🦳OAP - 5% (-2) 🤕 DIY - 4% (-) Conservatives to form the next government with 436 seats in Parliament. 🇬🇧

Rachel Reeves. With regard to your budget, please listen to Hilary from our village. She’s married to Roger & sings soprano in the church choir. People aren’t bothered about the minimum wage or income tax. They want a return to good old fashioned Quality Street! DO SOMETHING! 😡

‘You, Boy! Go and racially abuse everybody you meet …but not in a hurtful or insulting way!’

I’m worried about Richard, the supposed Reform candidate in some council by election or other in Lincolnshire. Look at the faraway look in his eyes. The sadness. The furrowed brow. The dull listlessness…😔 Is he being held hostage against his will by Andrea Jenkyns? 😱

Bunty & I are going on our annual cruise. We’re off to The Chagos Islands! Ship’s Entertainment Director Phillip Schofield is spoiling us: Free Wine & Skunk tasting. Music from Carol F*cker & T’Cau. And Mike Graham’s talks on how to grow concrete. See you back here in a week!☀️

Children’s TV nowadays? ‘Sooty, Sweep & Robby’ is my 4 year old granddaughter’s favourite programme. She loves Sooty’s magic tricks, Sweep’s stupid jokes and Robby’s really silly speeches. 😊

Just in from SmallTalk TV. Proving that poor old Mike, using his own legendary words, is: ‘Plank of the Week!’ 🥳✔️

At least when The Conservatives were in power you weren’t getting party discontent & changes of leadership all the time. 🇬🇧

A woman who lives in Dubai & never actually watches the BBC tells us who should be its next Director General.😳 She then tells us who should be chief of an NHS she never uses. Not only that, she comments about Govt. departments that don’t actually govern her! SmallTalk TV! 😂

Tim Davie ex BBC Director General is a woke, liberal chai latte drinking socialist who promotes subversive politics. He deserves his sacking! What? He’s a Tory?😳 He was ex chair of Hammersmith & Fulham Conservative Party? Reinstate him NOW! The BBC needs people of his calbre!

#RemembranceDay Love this photo of two of our greatest PMs at the Cenotaph today. Boris looks trim, fit and very much in good health. Liz Truss looks as though she’s had a lot of pork recently and might be trickling down for the nation again. God bless them both! ❤️

Pray for Joey Barton tonight. This gentle tiny chap is much loved. Underneath that tough slightly pimply exterior lies a man with a small pecker & an odour of Bovril. He will be kicking himself tonight,studs up of course. He is truly tolerant but in a sort of intolerant way. 🙏🏻

The annual harvest for Michael Fabricant’s hair has just begun in Gloucestershire today.

#RachelReeves Yes Prits! Apart from cocking up Covid, Implementing Brexit, Partying whilst people died, Cutting local Govt funding by 40%, Running down public services And increasing levels of poverty. We Conservatives were NEVER business bashing, job destroying or law breaking!

We had the lovely Carol Fucker around for tea. She’s the singer with 80’s band T’Cau. After some cake she said I was a total c*nt. She called the vicar a twat & told Bunty to go f*ck herself. She left blaming Ramrod our lab for the rise of knife crime in the UK. We adored her!🥺

Ladies and gentlemen. I present to you: Mr Lee Anderson MP dressed up as a warlock, bleeding from his head, making serious political comment on GB News. I feel as though I need say no more… 😬

Andrew’ punishment? To live in a 5 bedroom farmhouse on the Sandringham estate. But what about this lass? Sarah Ferguson is a loyal,modest & caring mum respected by all. What is she supposed to do, poor love? Surely Charles MUST find her at least a 4 bedroom farmhouse to live in?

We had a Halloween party on the village green for the children yesterday Bunty came as Carole Malone. She screeched about migrants whilst pointing her pen at people. Everyone said it was the most horrific thing they’d seen since Cliff cut his finger in the pub slicing lemon. 🙀

How very dare The Sun describe me as a ‘fake platform.’ My dear wife Bunty is extremely upset and is already hitting the sherry…🥺 www.thescottishsun.co.uk/news/scottis...

I’m apparently hot news North of the border. Michelle, Lang may yer lum reek! 😊 www.dailyrecord.co.uk/entertainmen...

Why is it people in this country HATE beautiful and successful people? The vicious flak & hate mail Michelle Mone & her husband are receiving is totally uncalled for and motivated by envy and jealousy. Let’s celebrate their success instead of attacking them all the time! 😡

Chris Philp will never call Sarah Pochin a racist. He’d never call Hitler a fascist. Never call Jack the Ripper a murderer. Never call Stalin a tyrant. Why? Because he is a lovely man & sees the best in everyone. That’s why he’s loved by all. Our Saint.❤️

With Claudia & Bess leaving #Strictly, Bunty & I have listed some great replacements: Rylan & Gary Lineker Nadine Dorries & Priti Patel Chaka Demus & Pliers Lucy Powell & Robert Powell Cheese & Peas Ryan Giggs & Judi Dench Jim Davidson & Satan Izzy Oaksap & Richard Tights. 🕺

Nadine Dorries is missed in Parliament. Watch her here on last night’s #bbcqt. She speaks articulately without stumbling and wins the respect of a tough audience. She is still a political heavyweight. #GoNads ❤️

The sad slip in standards now being seen in The Commons. MPs wearing trainers. Next it’ll be: Trainer socks Trackies Bikinis Mankinis Jeggings Football tattoos Nude tractors Pyjamas Drag Thongs Nipple jewellery Wrap music Knives Skunk County lines Graffiti Jizz Fungus Moths.😡

This is Ramrod our lab having gone crazy in our living room. You can see the guilt. However he claims he was hacked by another dog. He has apologised & promised that he has taken steps to ensure that his future canine security is enhanced. The other photo is of Mike Graham.😉

“Oh look Andrew dear. Over there. There’s all your royal titles and privileges…Disappearing!” 👑