I warned Starmer about Mandelson. My wife Bunty did So did Dean our paperboy Ramrod our Lab did. Jill in the village shop baked some warning baps for him & Simple Sally, who helps Jill, warned him using dance & spit. Ronnie Pickering warned him. So did Chaka Demus. And Pliers. Why didn’t he LISTEN?🤦🏻‍♂️

I’ve managed to fix The Times Magazine cover for this weekend. Hope this helps. 😊

I must say, even as a Tory, that Reform can never be accused of hypocrisy. For instance Nigel Farage saying Mr Starmer’s association with Mr Mandelson was a “Grave error of judgement” & he should resign. Mr Farage’s ‘associations’ could NEVER be called grave errors of judgement.🤔

Isabel Oakshop: “Yesterday there was such a febrile atmosphere in the House of Commons, obviously I wasn’t there…” NO BECAUSE YOU CHOSE TO LIVE IN DUBAI! “Obviously I wasn’t there but I’m quite close connected to people who were.” IN OTHER WORDS YOU WERE WATCHING IT ON TV! 🤔😤

Isabel Oakshop: “Yesterday there was such a febrile atmosphere in the House of Commons, obviously I wasn’t there…” NO BECAUSE YOU CHOSE TO LIVE IN DUBAI! “Obviously I wasn’t there but I’m quite close connected to people who were.” IN OTHER WORDS YOU WERE WATCHING IT ON TV! 🤔😤

What will Peter Mandelson do now? -Defect to Reform -TalkTV host -Become President of The USA -Get a house on The Windsor Estate -Blame the deep state & The Bank of England -Write a column for The Daily Mail - Offer birthday & Valentine’s Day messages on Cameo -Blame his autism.

“Look Nige! There’s another one of those brainwashed morons who’s promised to vote for us…”

You can now get Gregg Wallace to send your loved one a Valentine’s Day message…😱 “Roses are red, Violets are blue, If you say that you love me, I’ll drop my trousers for you.” 😍😍😍

Here we see working class Mancunian lad Matt Goodwin campaigning vigorously and winning over yet another voter in the Gorton and Denton by-election.

Storm Chandra: Chandra? That’s not a British name. Why not Storm Colin?😤 Down here in Dorset we’ve been flooded out. Jill in the village shop can’t get her yeast supplies for baking. I can’t take Ramrod for a walk and Bunty is moist beyond belief! Sort it out Starmer! 🤬

So what is Lee Anderson’s little secret? He’s going to carry on election campaigning in the wrong constituency? He smears peanut butter on his girth? He smells of mint? He’s joining a new political party? He hasn’t had a bath in 4 years? His nickname is ‘Bubbles’? He’s a vegan?🤔

‘You, Boy! Fetch me Jacob Rees-Mogg and Liz Truss. I’m turning Reform UK into the f*cking Conservatives!’

Huzzah & Hooorah!🥳 That’s nearly all of Boris’s Cabinet now defecating to Reform. All we need now is for The Big Dog to join Reform, push Fartage out and hey presto…It’s a return to the good old days! Reform? Ha! It’s Conform UK now! 🇬🇧

Andy Burnham returning to his Mayor’s office in Manchester this morning…

Gregg Wallace has let himself go…

Those joining Donald Trump’s Board of Peace: USA Thighland Iceland Aberbian Covfefe FIFA The cats & dogs that were eaten Brooklyn Beckham Lee Anderson Chaka Demus & Pliers The Daily Mail GB News Dan Wooden Richard Littlejohn Huw Edwards Gary Glitter Moths Pussy grabbers Ears. 🇺🇸

Once upon a time there lived a funny little man called Trumpy Wumpy. He had straw hair, orange skin & smelled horrible. But he could do magic! He grew back his ear once & he had a strange power called Redaction which made things he didn’t like disappear. He was jolly nasty…

I talked to Dean our paperboy about the government possibly banning under 16s from social media today. ‘Do you know what Toxic Masculinity is Dean?’ I ask him. ‘Yeh Course I do bruh!’ he replies. ‘It’s that new antiperspirant from Lynx. My Nan bought me some this Christmas.’ 🥴

I wonder why Nigel Farage has pulled out of The Laura Kuenssberg TV programme this morning? 🤔

Tour guide at Mar-a-Lago: ‘If you look up in the far right corner, 3 rows down, you should be able to see President Trump’s European Figure Skating Champion Trophy of 2022. Below that his ‘Neatest Handwriting in Class Award of 2013. Oh & there’s his FA Cup winners medal etc etc’

Jill in the village shop says she’s thinking of defecating to Reform. She has started baking Clacton Baps, told us London has fallen & keeps asking for the migration status of every customer. She says Dubai is where she longs to be as she is a committed Christian. WHAT DO I DO?😱

Robert Jenrick. Sacked by Kemi! Tory whip withdrawn (Oo er Missus!) Big J-GONE! We will all miss his spunk, his toes, his odour of mash, his hairy conkers. Robert stood up against fare dodgers, innocent children & common sense. A possible future leader. Kemi what have you done?😤

Robert Jenrick. Sacked by Kemi! Tory whip withdrawn (Oo er Missus!) Big J-GONE! We will all miss his spunk, his toes, his odour of mash, his hairy conkers. Robert stood up against fare dodgers, innocent children & common sense. A possible future leader. Kemi what have you done?😤

My wife Bunty went to old Mrs Cobb in the village yesterday. Mrs Cobb reads the tea leaves & is a clairvoyant. She said Bunty would come into money this year & her toe fungi would disappear. But also Mrs Cobb (Mystic Ada) predicted Reform would be getting this new recruit soon!🫣

Nigel & Nadhim: A partnership that rolls off the tongue like: John Torode & Gregg Wallace Eamonn Holmes & Ruth Langsford Liam & Noel Gallagher Dan Wootton & Honesty Rylan & Migrants Michael McIntyre & Comedy Tottenham Hotspur & Football. You see secretly, they HATE each other!😬

People of America. Just one question: Why is it you only seem to be able talk to your president when he’s on a bloody aeroplane!? 🤔

We Conservatives are taking you over! Robert Jenrick to ‘join’ next. Then Govey, Moggy & many more. Finally Boris to join you & take over from the morally & financially suspect Nigel! Ha Ha Reform.🤣 You are such suckers!!!! (As Dean my paperboy says). 🇬🇧😂😂😂

We Conservatives are taking you over! Robert Jenrick to ‘join’ next. Then Govey, Moggy & many more. Finally Boris to join you & take over from the morally & financially suspect Nigel! Ha Ha Reform.🤣 You are such suckers!!!! (As Dean my paperboy says). 🇬🇧😂😂😂

People of America. Just one question: Why is it you only seem to be able talk to your president when he’s on a bloody aeroplane!? 🤔

As leader of Gussage Parish Council I have stated we will invade Wimborne St Giles. If needed we will send in a crack unit of Morris dancers to do this. According to Jill their village shop has to be secured against the threat of Eastern baked goods such as Baklava & Filo Tarts.

Do you remember the good old days? When we Conservatives were in power? 14 years of strong and stable government. Happy times indeed! 🇬🇧

There are things that really impress me about Reform: Intelligent supporters like David Atherton. Greatly respected ex Tories like Nadine Dorries & Ann Widdecombe. And because their councillors are either macho wrestlers like ‘The Shark’ or caped superheroes like erm Kevin. 😳

😂

Pity poor Jacob Rees-Mogg.😔 He turns up at a TV studio with an almighty bad hangover to find a somewhat disturbed & deranged elderly woman preaching at him. 😱

Harry Maguire has taken the news of Ruben Amorim’s sacking at Manchester United rather badly… 😱

Pity poor Jacob Rees-Mogg.😔 He turns up at a TV studio with an almighty bad hangover to find a somewhat disturbed & deranged elderly woman preaching at him. 😱

Mr & Mrs Adolf Tice announce the engagement of their son Dick to Isabel, daughter of Mr & Mrs Ayatollah Oakeshitt. The Nuptials & Nazi salutes will take place at The Church of St Thomas the Drug Dealer in Dubai. The couple will spend their honeymoon in Clacton slagging off London.

Some bloody Marxist has asked Grok to put me in a bikini. This sort of thing never happened under a Conservative government! 😡😤

So delighted for poor, victimised Michelle Mone. She can keep her 15K weekly income from the mansion she rents out. 🥳 It’s a mere pittance for an entrepreneur who has inspired so many & who is loved by millions. Let’s hope 2026 is a better year for this kind & noble woman. 🙏🏻❤️

Far too many fireworks. Loud wrap music full of indecipherable words. I’m sure many fish have sustained injuries. Hardly any Union Jacks & no National Anthem at the end. The London New Year fireworks were a disgrace. Sadiq Khan hold your head in shame! 😤

#NewYearsHonours So annoyed Thomas Skinner didn’t get an OBE. Great dancer & motivates so many people with his body fat & smell. Disappointed too for Lucy Connolly such a kind, humble lady who has worked tirelessly for prison reform. And no award for Eamonn Holmes? Appalling! 😡

My wife Bunty and I would like to wish you all a MERRY CHRISTMAS unless of course you are: Ben Duckett Bearded Tattooed Claiming benefits A wrap music singer A plumber A cyclist Currently on Mumsnet A wearer of cropped shorts From Kidderminster. Yes I have been on the sherry. 🥴🎄

Nigel Farage truly is a lovely guy. He visits a part of the country he’s never been to before and hands out love, olive oil, DNA & tufts of hair. Our Mother Teresa Our Ben Duckett Our Doris Day Our Karen Carney Our Gusset Our Anal Porridge. Gawd bless ‘im! 🤢

Oh sodding hell!😡 That Thomas Skinner chap…the sweaty cockney patriot. He’s done another bloody video of himself enjoying an East End breakfast before working on his stall, Guvna.😱 🎵Any time you're Lambeth way, Any evening, any day, You'll find us all Suing The BBC…Bosh!🎵

I quote from Andrew Tate’s X profile: ‘Unmatched perspicacity coupled with sheer indefatigability makes me a feared opponent in any realm of human endeavour.’ Erm… This is certainly not the case when it comes to boxing Andy. Oh dear. You poor little love. 😉

-I am neutral but I support something you don’t support. -I am neutral but I support The Reform Party. This lady is someone called June Skateboard? No way does she understand neutrality. 😂 She’s the sort of person who pushes in at queues & moans about price of Prosecco at Tesco.

No wonder women are outraged by the John Lewis Christmas advert where a young mum receives a frying pan as a present. A frying pan is not a gift to buy today’s modern woman. It’s patronising & offensive!😡 A food blender or an air fryer would have been far more appropriate.✅

This is what true patriotism looks like! A sad middle aged man, puffed up to look like Rod Stewart & an immigrant himself, eating ‘English’ grub in an Islamic country whilst slagging off the UK, Islam and migrants. Charlie Muggins: Our Fluff Our Stain Our Belch Our Stray Pube. 🇬🇧

I have my own Christian Church now. ‘A Reading from the Book of Take 1:3-15. And there came from the land of Gussage a great prophet called Take. He smote the jegging clothed & preached against Chai Lattes, tattoos, moths & an evil demon who seized the kingdom of Clacton.’ 🙏🏻