Do listen! Truly inspiring words from our respected and beloved ex Prime Minister Boris Johnson. The young people of this country need to: Swear MORE Drink MORE and Shag MORE! 👏👏👏👏👏

Your Party. No it’s not it’s My Party. It isn’t Your F*cking Party it’s actually My Party. It was supposed to be Our Party, how come it’s Yours? Because you said it was Your Party. I didn’t say it was My Party. Look it isn’t Your F*cking Party so f*ck off! Your Party, my arse! 😤

Just look at King Charles as President Trump calls him a ‘Great King.’ The sheer joy in his face shows how a great friendship is developing between him & the President. With Melania dressing up as a lamp stand to win a bet, I’d say this Presidential trip has been a great success!

President Trump made a secret visit to us. I’ve known him since he was a young pussy grabber. He enjoyed nibbling Jill’s hot baps. He adored Bunty’s flaps & was enchanted by Simple Sally’s stories of geese & poltergeists. Len our Reform UK butcher came…then came again! Fab day! 🇺🇸

Pssst! Don’t tell anyone but we Conservatives are infiltrating Reform & will soon be taking it over. Next it’ll be Liz Truss, Govey & Jacob Rees Mogg joining. Then Boris…who will dethrone Farage & take over as leader! Bye bye Farage, Richard Tights & all your thickos. Ha ha! 😂

So dear dear Danny Kruger has defected to Reform. To be honest my wife Bunty and I can’t stand him. It was when he did that poor quality video at the end of the general election pretending to be that creepy stalker from the film ‘Love Actually.’ Hmmmm🤔 Need I say any more? 😬

Let’s not give up hope on President Trump as a peacemaker.☮️ He stopped the Azerbaijan & Albania war that had raged on for 22 years. You know that war. It’s the one Lee Anderson served bravely in whilst fighting in The Somme.💪

My wife Bunty & I decided to have a romantic weekend in Paris. It has truly been très magnifique! ❤️ Imagine our surprise then, as we decided to walk up to the Arc de Triomphe, to be confronted by 3 million English patriots proudly marching & beating up the local gendarmerie! 🤦‍♂️

We celebrated FREE SPEECH in the village yesterday. We called each other bastards & fuckers. Everyone said Jill in the village shop was a bitch & should be jailed. I called Dean our paperboy a lying wanker and Bunty said Simple Sally should be burnt for being a slut. 🇬🇧

Peter Mandehlson’s next job: Archbishop of Canterbury? Host of Masterchef? Deputy Leader of The Labour Party? Children’s author? Prime Minister of France? Andrea Jenkyns’ voice coach? Replacement for that ‘bosh’ guy on Strictly? Write for the Daily Mail? Fluffer? Traffic warden?

What’s happening? Nothing really. Just a sad and confused elderly man needing a little bit of sympathy and our help.😢

My wife Bunty is terribly excited. She has at long last found something to scare the cats and keep them out of our garden:

‘You, Boy! This is actually NOT my house, It’s my girlfriend’s. I misspoke.’

I’m impressed by Young Reform: They’re all wearing smart suits, not shorts & trainer socks. There are no females in Young Reform; obviously they’re at home cooking dinner & ironing flags. They are all buff, erect & smell of gum. Oh & there’s Darren Grime looking pert & comfy. 🇬🇧

What else does Lee Anderson have in his office? Big vats of porridge & custard Bikinis Shabba Ranks records Smeared stuff Holiday brochures for Bangkok Pubic hairs Lego Insoles His teat rings Satsumas Herbal shampoo Tracing paper Have I missed anything? 🤔

With Reform getting Andrea Jenkyns & now Nadine Dorries to join them, it’s possible that political heavyweights such as: Jonathan Gullis Dominic Raab Gavin Williamson Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng might join them too. Wow! Think of that. They would be virtually unstoppable! 😳🇬🇧

Nads!!! Woe is me 🥺 Woe is every Conservative. We gave you gin & tonics. We gave you Boris’s throbbing Johnson. We gave you a cabinet post. Why have you done this? Was it Nigel’s tadpoles? Lee’s spasms? Darren Grimes’ liquidy sock? I’m sorry but it’s a case of NOT #GoNads 😡

‘Mr President, there’s some guy from the UK who’s messaged you saying he wants to shake your hand…’

You know I’m a Tory through & through but I do think Nigel Farage would make an excellent Prime Minister. Why? Well I absolutely ❤️ the way he talks our great nation up. He sells the UK so well. No exaggerated lies or pandering to President Trump. We are so lucky to have him. 🇬🇧

The new Indiana Jones film looks pretty awful…😞

Great news! President Trump has ended speculation about his poor health by making his first public appearance in over 5 days… 🇺🇸

Transfer Deadline Day NEWS! Angela Rayner, 2 Pads➡️3 Pads Nigel Farage, Reform➡️Germany 1939 Liz Truss, Lettuce➡️Bananas Chaka Demus, Pliers➡️Chisel Michelle Mone staying put. Daily Telegraph, Newspaper➡️Toilet Paper Rylan, ITV➡️GB News Prince Andrew, Royal Family➡️Royle Family.

‘It’s from Nigel. He’s sent me a photo of his special guest speaker at the Reform Party Conference next week…’

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 My wife Bunty is suggesting I may have some issues… 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

FAO Tony Robinson Reform Darren Grime Dan Wooden Flip Flop Rupert Low Richard Tights Izzy in Dubai etc etc You have accused me of Not being patriotic. I hope my photo below shows how bloody patriotic I am!!! 😡🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

This Rylan chap? Does he live in Dubai as well? 🤔

Please think of us your betters. Firstly we are losing our public schools as more & more close. Now we are losing our Nannies as many are so expensive only billionaire wrap singers & Angela Rayner can afford them. Jacob Rees-Mogg where are you? This is a NATIONAL CRISIS! 😥

‘Look Daddy! I can see some fat bloke with a fag in his mouth painting a St George’s Cross on a mini roundabout down there…’

Bunty & I were at Nick’s do. Bob Jenrick was on the door checking invitations & keeping out gatecrashers. Dan Wootton was the wedding photographer (he’ll blackmail us later) Lucy Connolly did the BBQ & burnt the meat. Later Darren Grimes entertained us with his famous sock trick.

Bunty & I received a special invitation yesterday. ‘You are both cordially invited to the annual Nigel Farage riots taking place this August 2025. RSVP Please dress appropriately.’ I’m thinking we look rather smart in anticipation of this soirée.

Being patriotic I’m adding to the flag count down here in the village. And Ramrod my beloved brown Lab is only too willing to help, being the patriotic dog he is. Between myself and Ramrod I think we’re doing a jolly good job! What do you think? 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧

Benidorm: The last bastion of the British Empire. When you listen to these two you realise the sun never truly sets on our great empire and that God is an English man. P.S. Where are their bloody Union Jacks? 🇬🇧

Can I ask a question? And please forgive my ignorance…but is President Trump erm skibidi? 🤔

A Summer Poem B̲ronzed & tanned a burnished gold, O̲n his Summer holidays, R̲esting his sap filled conkers, I̲mbibibing merrily with teats on display, S̲paffing furiously on fungi stained sun loungers. 🇬🇧

I see Reform UK have been promoting their exclusive bloody football shirt everywhere. What they haven’t shown you is their away kit: 😙

If DJ Vance had come to our village pub we’d have: Given him free mascara. Offered him food,drink & moisture. He’d have tasted Jill’s famous baps on a luxury sofa. He’d have danced with grans. His conker hairs captured in a bottle,would be kept as a relic in the village church.❤️

I’ve always said Reform have lacked intellectual heavyweights. Not anymore! Introducing Councillor Maxine and Andy. The Boycie & Marlene of the political world. You can ask them about asylum seekers but don’t test them on their four times table. Bosh! 🇬🇧

Jeremy I get a man to do that for me. I got three A’s of course you thicko.

There is something hugely satisfying in seeing Kemi pouring her creamy products over a stiff dry cone. 🥵 This is what our great nation wants! Incidentally how can Mel Stride be both inside & outside the ice cream booth at the same time? Call it Conservative magic! 🇬🇧

Dame Andrea Jenkyns is a HUGE asset to Reform. She was always an incisive Conservative MP admired by us all for her ability to clearly outline policy. Look at her here, superbly articulating Reform’s plans for asylum seekers in the UK to C4 Linekerist Christmas Guru-Murphy. 🤩

Rupert Lowe has spotted another boat full of illegal migrants in our waters… 🥺

When you bombard the high streets with Greggs… When you allow fully grown men to wear trainer socks… When you tolerate men baring their teats in public… When you approve of tight leggings, threesomes, tattoos and Crocs… This is what you end up with: 😳

Rupert Lowe has a history of wrongly identifying others as illegal migrants including the following: Jesus The Royal Navy P&O Tom Daly Thunderbird 4 The RNLI Adam Peaty Horatio Nelson Henley Regatta Sir Francis Drake Ursula Andress Rosie & Jim Fishes Chaka Demus & Pliers. 🥺

In the recent 14 years of Conservative government I can’t think of any Tory minister who had to resign like this. We may have made mistakes in those 14 years but our ministers were always honest, caring & dedicated to serving the nation. We never indulged in such sleaze! 🇬🇧

Some politicians blur the line between satire and reality. @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social grabs that line, feeds it gin, and sends it on a team-building exercise with Nadine Dorries. I had the pleasure of interviewing Britain’s most fictional MP:

I’m back from my trip to Turkey after having had a few (ahem) procedures. Only one problem. I seem to be attracting millions of bloody moths. 😡

Bunty & I are off to Turkey for a few days to have some cosmetic jobs done. I’m having: A Brazilian butt lift, My teats botoxed & my shaft realigned. Bunty is getting her flaps lifted, her hillocks augmented & her cave reshaped. Will be back here Thursday looking beautiful! 🤩

Donald Trump is a Beatle if he’s in the Epstein files. And here are some of his greatest Beatle compositions: 🎶Hey Nude I Wanna Hold Your Gland I Am The Phallus Here Comes The Cum Then he went solo & recorded: My Teat Lord Penis and Mars Hand On The Bum🎵 Our Orange mop top!🎸

Congratulations GB News @GBNEWS! BARB ratings make you The UK’s number One News station for July. 🥳 I’ll never forget this hard hitting news story from a while back… It proved to me you really were a valuable credible & highly respected news channel.👏

“It’s from Daddy. He sends his love & says all is fine in Spain. He’s had to go on a little ‘holibob’ because a man accidentally ran into his hand at St Pancras Station the other day. He wants you both to be good children & if anything goes wrong to keep blaming it on the Muslims.”