Whenever I see little rich kids driving around in golf carts I'm like 'Awww they're practicing classism"

My dog farted right as I was gonna take my last sip of coffee. I don't know why we let this man live in our house.

Bears, but they have wings and live in hives like hornets.

What if your teeth were usually flaccid and only got hard when you were hungry.

I wear my bass guitar really high since I'm old now and care about things like joint health. It works out pretty well other than it looks dorky and my tit sits perfectly in the upper carve-out like Lucy laying on Schroeder's piano.

I'm gonna start saying "I'm not a man, but I did play one on TV"

I think we all have our own idea of when look becomes stare, and the only way to know another person's tolerance is to 1) ask them or 2) stop when they look uncomfortable, which can be hard to tell Someone smarter than me please solve this problem so I can resume shopping at plus-size stores.

The frustrating thing about doing stuff is the everything about it.

The idea of King's jesters is crazy. Kings were like, I need all y'all all to protect my ego by being subservient, sycophantic enablers or I'll have you killed. Except one dude. I need one dude to keep it real with me. Make him funny and honest. But not too funny or honest or I'll have him killed.

Imagine you wrote fanfic online and one day you hear about a sequel or remake of one of the shows you watch. You end up watching it and there's a steamy love scene between two characters you shipped and they're saying almost word-for-word the stuff you wrote in your fic years ago.

I think I'm going to stop putting my artwork online to avoid it being gobbled up by generative AI, but I guess the bots can have this apple I tried to paint that looks like shiny hairless testicles.

Body language is unique to every individual, and it's impossible to read unless you have observed the person before. You can't read body language when you're seeing someone for the first time, and if you claim you can, I want to gently bop you with a newspaper because you think your hunch is fact.

The Devil may cry. He also may *not cry. We're trying to prepare you for as many scenarios as possible, so let's think of some ideas about what you'd do if The Devil does cry versus if he doesn't. *demonic screeching sounds* HE WAS IN THE DETAILS OH MY GOD WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF THE DETAILS?

Do you think DT has ever touched a wheelbarrow?

If the Devestating Horror Machine gets so devastatingly horrible that you literally can't say, write, or complain enough about it, maybe it's time to kill the Devastating Horror Machine so we can start talking and writing about how great it is that the Devastating Horror Machine is finally dead.

Same.

Silverware manufacturers don't provide enough information for my obsessive brain. How wide are your spoons? How thick is the pommel? Will it hurt to scoop hard ice cream with it? How much space between the tines of your forks? Enough room for a cleaning tool to get in there? TELL ME #neurodivergent

I channeled my inner Bob Ross today. All of these trees are happy. #digitalart #painting #procreate

Faces are hard #art #digitalart #painting

@liv-it-up.bsky.social got my my first ever bouquet of flowers 💚💚💚 Crying happened 😭

Being autistic really sucks when all of your safe foods are unhealthy, prohibitively expensive, or both. I just want to eat spicy dill pickle almonds until I die IS THAT SO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK FOR

I'm always getting drawn in by mobile gameplay ads, but I scroll away in disgust and vow to boycott them forever as soon as they start playing like a concussed donkey, which is every time.

Years ago I was with someone who stopped being intimate with me because they could "feel my fat on them" and now I'm with someone who gets cartoon heart eyes when they see my tummy poking out of a too-small shirt. It gets better sometimes 💚

The companies who make cheap oyster crackers are like "hope you plan to eat 2 pounds of these in one sitting because they get stale practically before you open them and we put them in this aggressively non-resealable bag"

I have a vocal stim where I go "Eeee" at various volumes so I started making E art. #art #digitalart #painting #procreate #E

Being shaped like Winnie the Pooh with bigger tits is actually pretty dope you should try it 🥰

If you still identify with your Hogwarts house, I hope your bluetooth doesn't connect.

Being a puppy mom is so hectic. I wish it were a child, because then I could just neglect his emotional and physical needs. My parents trained me well, it would be so easy.

@liv-it-up.bsky.social took me to get my first manicure yesterday 🥰😍💚 typing is hard 😅

The perks of letting your girlfriend cut your hair: 1) If it looks good, you get to praise her 2) If it looks bad, you get to laugh together 3) something about a smoking hot lady tugging at your hair with sharp blades in her hand… The cons: None, let her do it let her do it let her do it.

All the buildings are finished and the 58 Sperocraft villagers have been moved in and named! Check them out here on Sperocraft Episode 2! youtu.be/AzdqSkYzWRQ?...

I'm gonna start ranking how disappointed I am by comparing it to the time #DaftPunk was supposed to play on the #Colbert Report, but had to cancel and were replaced with Robin Thicke.

Sperocraft Season One Episode 2 just dropped! Is a lesbian church called a Chapel Roan? #minecraft youtu.be/AzdqSkYzWRQ?...

Watching an 8+ hour #minecraft build condense down to a minute and a half long timelapse is a special kind of devastating. Go and thank your favorite creator cause this shit hurts 😅

@liv-it-up.bsky.social gave me a super cute wolf cut, but hot damn is it messy in the morning 🦝

Mark Zuckerberg, who doesn't like fact-checking, had a sexy calendar idea that never got made because no one could find any pictures where he looked remotely fuckable.

Netflix calling it a "price update" instead of an increase is so super charming.

I can't figure out if I'm just dumb and making lots of user errors or if OBS Studio is the worst piece of software on the fucking planet.

Messing with #minecraft textures has turned into me making a full-on resource pack for all the 2D textures. They told me I'd be coding eventually and I didn't believe them. Anyway I changed all the swords to Hitachi-style vibrators 🦝 Before you say it, I know they look kinda like squids 😅

I ate a banana with dinner and my body was like "Don't tease me with vitamins and healthy sugars you fucking trash bag"

"Using three client-side mods and calling it a Modded Minecraft Series is crazy work" I don't understand, sweetie. Like, I'd never say something like "Fucking three dogs in your front yard and calling yourself Dogfucker is crazy work."

Don't call the police on me, but it bothers me that mayonnaise isn't a dairy product. I get that it contains no dairy, but still. It has dairy vibes and I can call inanimate things whatever I want.

I started a modded #minecraft series! It is a blast to make and it's something I've always wanted to do 💚 If you don't like it and have something mean to say, I invite you to lick my salty little butthole. youtu.be/aKL2GAoqYhA?...

I'm slowly retexturing #minecraft #food into things I actually eat! Here we have dill pickle chips, ice cream, pizza, and sundried tomato and basil wheat thins 💚 #minecrafttextures

#girldinner I changed the honey bottle texture to look like an iced coffee 💚 #minecraft #gaming

Did some real trans minecraft nerd shit and designed a new texture for pumpkin pie 😅 #minecraft #trans #lgbtqia+ #estrogen #hrt

Watching Impossible Minecraft and @smallishbeans.bsky.social called @grianmc.bsky.social "grion" in the chat and I misread it as "groin" and I choked on my drink. #hermitcraft #impossibleminecraft

My fear of needles is slowly being eclipsed by my hatred of holding estradiol under my tongue for 30 damn minutes. I'm like "I don't feel at home in my body" and my doctor was like here put these rocks under your taster. I mean, it worked, but at the cost of a twice-daily half hour sensory purgatory