“Are you doing Secret Santa this year?” “Yeah, but I got Chloe, and you know she never likes what anyone gets her, and she always comes in under the dollar amount by as much as she can get away with ... ” Continue: wordpress.com/post/leemoye...

They weave his earthly incarnations out of sticks and straw, erecting them as monuments to the harvest, as bulwarks against the closing cold. They build him because they can, because they are compelled to do so, because they remember ... Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/12/22/y...

She began with a mondegreen. This is not a unique origin among the small gods, although she is perhaps uniquely proud of it, as had the mishearing occurred under other circumstances, it might have turned out far less well for everyone involved. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2020/12/18/a...

People assume she’s a newcomer, a fad, a frivolous flash in the pan. But she was there when the first pumpkin pies were being baked; she was there when the first colonist cookbook was published, in 1769. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2020/06/26/t...

They call on him so much more than they ever realize. Want a car to start? Want an engine to fire, an egg to cook, a cigarette to light? Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2020/05/06/s...

2025 Literary Pin-up Calendars LIMITED EDITIONS for a LIMITED TIME. Back in 2014, I collaborated on the last of my Literary Pin-up Calendars. A decade later, the calendar dates line up perfectly for 2025. We only have 150 calendars, so act fast! Order here: leemoyer.bigcartel.com/product/2025...

Sometimes education isn’t enough. Sometimes you can study and study and try and try, and never quite cross the last bridge between where you are and your heart’s desire. Sometimes you need to tell the perfect little lie to get there. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2020/06/12/y...

The cat is in the way. This is a basic fact of the universe, simple and immutable. The sun is shining, the wind is blowing, the cat is in the way. The world is spinning, the atomic structure of the universe is decaying, the cat is the way. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2020/09/11/o...

If she could make people understand one thing and one thing only, it would be this: that food has no moral value, and that anyone whose pantry can be considered “full” is a virtuous person in her eyes ... Continue reading: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2020/08/31/k...

It’s not a joke unless everyone’s laughing. It’s not a prank unless no one gets hurt. A prank that ends in pain is something altogether different. We call it “cruelty” and “abuse” and “malicious.” Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/10/27/l...

There’s no single way to be a vampire. If you’ve met one vampire, you’ve met one vampire, and even those who have walked the night for centuries won’t pretend to have met them all. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/10/25/c...

Sun’s going down, and now’s where you have two choices: turn off all the lights and go to bed right now, or light the pumpkin and set it out in invitation. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/10/22/c...

A corpse is a corpse, of course, of course, And no one can talk to a corpse, of course, That is of course unless the corpse Is the famous Mister Dead! He walked among the world of the living before his ascension to the ranks of the divine. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/10/20/m...

She slithers in through any opening she can find, so much smaller than she looks from the outside, so much larger than anyone wants her to be. Her coils can constrict empires, her jaws encompass unions ... Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/10/15/b...

He got used to being treated as a cautionary tale a long time ago. Every time a parent points to a sanitation worker, a janitor, a cafeteria lunch lady, a salesclerk with derision in their eyes and judgment in their hearts, he is there ... Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/09/27/3...

Every time you send a message that paints you as a wild duck enthusiast, she is there. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/09/20/a...

He is a god of frontiers. He is born again in every child who turns their eyes toward the stars, toward the sea, toward the horizon, and he grows with them. He is young and old at the same time, all ages and all things, and always looking outward. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/09/13/y...

Okay, so Carl, you were—you were—excuse me. Just need to… What? No! No, you’re not boring me! Just sucking all the air out of the room so I need to—need to—damn it! Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/09/06/s...

Doesn’t feel like real money when it’s a swipe card or a button on a screen, does it? Does it? Doesn’t feel like gambling when it’s a loot box of random cosmetics and power boosts that can make your character better, does it? Does it? Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/08/27/i...

She didn’t always look like this. Blame the British for occupying Malaysia in the late 18th century, when they encountered the ginger flower for the first time and came home calling all their redheads gingers. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/08/25/t...

He’s aiming for the big time. He always has been. And he’ll tell you, if you ask, that he’s an All-American God, as patriotic as sunshine and apple pie and the fourth of July—all things, that if you stop and think about them, aren’t patriotic at all. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/08/18/p...

Goin’ climbin’? Just be sure you’re ready to be careful out there. Eld’s been active lately, and not everyone we see heading up this trail has been seen again heading down this trail, if you get my meaning. He’s a tricky one, that— Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/08/16/e...

If there’s one god who deserves the pity party they occasionally throw for themself, it’s Shush. The poor kid. Everyone used to love them, once upon a time. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/08/09/s...

Those who take the most benefit from her presence, and from the presence of her faithful, are the least likely to admit that she exists. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/08/04/u...

Riddles have always been used to protect places of great wisdom. Solve a puzzle to access the wizard’s library; navigate a labyrinth to enter the chamber of secrets. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/07/26/c...

Hey, kid. Sit on down and draw a card. No, I don’t care how old you are. Why would I care about—ah. No, you’re still a kid to me. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/07/21/b...

Yes, it’s a filthy habit. Good luck finding one of his followers in this modern world who isn’t aware of that. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/07/07/m...

Out of Russia they arose, victor in the remarkably genteel race to become representative of the many and glorious ways for the people of the mortal world to take their tea. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/07/05/s...

We’re not sure what the cats were thinking when they domesticated humans. Oh, sure, primates are useful, with their clever little primate hands that can do useful primate things, like building warm houses to keep the rain out ... Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/07/02/n...

​She will help you find your better self. ​Beauty is only skin deep, but hair is a form of art, and she is Michelangelo, she is DaVinci and O’Keefe and Franzetta. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/06/21/s...

*We offer this small god for all of you currently baking in the heat of the ever-worsening climate crisis. Some people say that she shouldn’t be a god at all. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/06/16/a...

*We offer this small god for all of you currently baking in the heat of the ever-worsening climate crisis. Why are there so many divine polar bears? I mean, really, that seems like the sort of question we ought to be asking. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/06/14/n...

People assume that Eva is shy. Eva isn’t shy. Eva just wants to see the world without distortions or distractions. When glasses get dirty, they can be wiped clean. Eyes are more difficult. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/06/07/4...

She is beautiful. She has always been beautiful, throughout all of time, throughout all of space, she is beautiful. But beauty, as they say, is only skin deep, and as she is a god of appearances ... Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/06/02/m...

C’mere, kid. I want to tell you a secret. Whoa, whoa, not like that! This isn’t one of those “strange man tells you something that you’re not supposed to share with your parents” situations. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/05/28/t...

Hey. Hey, our historian isn’t at her desk today—we’re not sure why. Humans are so soft and fallible. But not YOU. No, out of all the humans we’ve ever known, YOU are by far the most [competent|proficient|dependable]. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/05/26/s...

Humans are such short-lived creatures. Did you hear about Gerald? Oh, yes, I did, his poor wife, she must be heartbroken. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/05/21/t...

Humans are such transitory things, when compared to gods. They arrive, they grow, they thrive, they go. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/05/19/s...

You can find her in cluttered fridges and crowded pantries, flanked by yesterday’s meatloaf and jars of olives so far past their best-by date that they may as well have the right to vote. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/05/14/c...

Like all gnomes, Splunge lives in perfect harmony with his environment. Unfortunately for him, his environment happens to be household plumbing. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/05/10/s...

Words mean things. This is unquestionable, incontrovertible, uncontroversial. Words mean things, or what’s the point in having words? Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/05/03/j...

Words mean things. This is unquestionable, incontrovertible, uncontroversial. Words mean things, or what’s the point in having words? Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/04/30/g...

They aren’t frivolous, although many people assume they are. They’ve been with humanity since humanity figured out what it was to be human, since the first flickers of consciousness ... Continued: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/04/21/l...

People wind up in charge through all sorts of avenues. Sometimes they win elections; other times they’re born into power, or trick or talk their way into it. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/04/19/s...

Albright is never more than nine years old. Albright has been nine years old for millennia, because there’s always something new in the universe to be awed and enthralled and enchanted by, some new nebula or ... Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/04/12/a...

Small gods associated with innovation are the most likely to remember the date they, or at least their portfolio, came into existence. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/04/09/g...

Some gods are gods for a lifetime, gods you win or are won by and pledge yourself to with all due devotion, serving at their altars from the cradle to the grave. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/03/31/d...

There is no shame in an honest day’s work. No reason to lower your eyes and refuse to answer when someone asked you what you did for a living; no reason to feel like wiping a counter or turning a wrench made you somehow lesser ... Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/03/29/l...

Her portfolio serves no purpose beyond making people smile, and she’s perfectly content with that. Let other gods control fate, or time, or love, or war, even down to its smallest attributes ... Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/03/26/l...

Hello. Goodbye. He’s a confusing one at times, ever charming to the innocent and the wise, ever vengeful toward the cunning and the cruel. He comes as he is going, and goes as he comes, and so very few can understand his workings. Continue: leemoyer.wordpress.com/2021/03/22/1...