Everything feels bad and scary. I propose, as a little treat for us downtrodden drones, for the universe to give Jordan Peterson AI psychosis and unfettered internet access for 48 hours

Distinctly 2026 humiliation: when your Uber arrives and it’s a taxi

You must be new here! Hello! Bush forever and ever amen. Let others do unto their bush what they will, but mine is eternal, like love or a planarian flatworm

Adore getting a new medication and seeing what’s about to go hellishly wrong with me. Looking forward to severe skin and staying the same height

6pm. Friday night. Showered, moisturised, snug as a mfing bug in a rug. Bad news for books because they’re about to get CONSUMED 😮‍💨

Rosalía’s Lux tour was designed for people who used to bellow God Help the Outcasts and get really horny and confused over Frollo in Disney’s Hunchback as tweens. There’s enough of us to sell out a world tour!! Insane that the Vatican hasn’t struck while we’re all weak

Sick to my stomach that I am being forced via commitment to a gig to be AWAKE past 9pm on a Sunday. John Darnielle you sexy bitch you’d better sing like your life depends on it or this is the one year you will NOT be making it through

✨ Rare torture aesthetic! ✨You’re someone’s mistress for almost 3 years and he says he loves you that whole time, and within a month of his wife finding out and sending abuse, he is now wearing his wedding ring daily and she is posting pics of them kissing talking about how much she loves him

It is so so so so so so so so hard to teach content that you and your students are ethically and intellectually opposed to and today it had me so so so so so so close to a panic attack to be spoken to like a moron about how amazing this content is and that maybe I don’t understand it (ofc it is AI)

When I get home from Singapura tonight, Biscotti is getting the biggest canary squeeze* * I will play him his favourite two albums (Man’s Best Friend by Sabrina Carpenter and Stage Girl by Eli)

I don’t know how people keep forgetting that workers rights were entirely written in blood and the capital class had to be threatened with violence before they agreed to things like 8 hour working days and 2 day weekends.

His name is Ozzy, and I am going to stuff him in my carry-on and take him home to be best friends with Biscotti

When I am king, no audio engineer will add ‘music’ or any other sound effects to an AUDIOBOOK. Save that shit for the dramatisation – some of us are trying to fall asleep here!!!

AUSPICIOUS NEWS for the sad, kind and horny! I am back (fig. 1). The pusillanimous married man I was dating for 3 years (more fool me) has decamped to his marriage (more fool his wife) so I’m on a mission to get happier and hotter than ever via the medium of posting (a method that has never failed)

Just saw a woman driving a convertible. Mind BLOWN I didn’t know we could do that

Going on a little socmed sabbatical for a few months! Remember me in your hearts and your wills 😌💕✨ily xoxo

The smallest angel in the world

Have been up all night packing etc. Messaged my new boss on LinkedIn at 3am because I thought it was day time. Vibrating with that primal strength that lets mothers lift fallen trees from their babies. Yahoo motherfuckers, today it’s cope or die

Women with their tits out, no gun and working entirely on tips are out here every night, getting big scary men to chill the hell out AND tip. Cops could never.

You know what this corner needs? 700 more holes. That’ll make it really sing!

Wow this book seems to be about the concept of brats

I wonder who will inherit Musk’s trillions. You know, when it happens

I know it’s small fish, but the Ethics Centre denies that this piece of writing was written even in part by AI. If that’s the case, I suggest they get a better copywriter. As it is, I don’t believe them 🥴

Like Asher and many people, I’ve lived in homes without aircon, and libraries saved my life! Definitely take food, because once you’re there, you’ll never want to leave

Every day, Facebook marketplace temps me with this vintage glass chicken, and every day I grow weaker. I love this vintage glass chicken and I know that if I ever see ‘pending’ after it, I will cry. I think today is the day 🥹🩵

♒️ 2026 Horoscope Dating Dash off to a great start with an Aquarian. Went to dessert cafe, let me talk about books ad nauseum. Left on mutually chummy terms, plans to go see a fringe festival show, just buddies. Self also Aquarius, so could’ve been like two fighting fish but was peaceful. 6.5/10 ♒️

I’m usually pretty ‘decide yourself when you’ve reached your limit with something’ but also I am extremely judgemental about anyone who is still on Twitter in 2026

Australia Post I am going to kill you

TW: forced sterilisation Finally reading The Transgender Issue and was relieved by a Google search that Japan no longer requires forced sterilisation for trans people (as was the case when the book was published) but also that only became the case THREE YEARS AGO?! Heartbreaking and infuriating

Happy Miss Marple enters the public domain day for those who celebrate 😌

Once, when I ran for a bus, the driver said ‘don’t worry, I wouldn’t leave you behind’ and for this abandonment issue girl, that was one of the kindest things anyone has ever said. Cried the entire way home, and will never forget how safe it made me feel

Discovered via @ifbookspod.bsky.social’s recent episodes that Elon Musk says swear words like he’s 8 years old and trying them out for the first time. Unbearable to listen to, thank you lads!

Today on Lizard Doesn’t Like It: the picture on the left is an actual cover from a Mexican magazine circa 1920s. It’s been vectorised and tidied up, but its design is robust and beautiful. The picture on the right is some loser’s terrible illustration in a totally different style. 1/2

Love that literal banks have AI chat bots that say ‘by the way, everything I say could be a lie, so take it with a grain of salt lol’. Thanks! That’s literally exactly what I wanted! Certainly didn’t want to go to the source to get real, honest answers relating to my personal finances from my BANK

The crime The criminal

INCREDBLE news from Flat of Dreams, which is that 1 of the 4 owners required for a majority has eagerly signed on to my 10-year ‘let Lizzie set up a chicken coop in the giant empty space out the back’ plan for the flats

Great news!! I found her at the gym! And am having lunch with my grandparents who are the embodiment of unconditional love. And I’m going to eat a melting moment and read an Agatha Christie and not think about the house all day long! 🥰💕✨ A house is for living in. Can’t forget the living part

*whispering very quietly because I am aware of the privilege of owning property* The process of buying – and early days of owning – a house has been the worst, most isolating, stressful experience of my life (in a life not without its horrors). Am an ungrateful wretch and feel horrid for it

Jungle Biscuit ✨🪩🪴

I fucked someone who wasn’t a married man!! And did big work recovering from situationship 💪 (also bought Flat of Dreams)

Hibernaculum Honoria is recovering! I spent the morning sugar soaping her walls, and this week, I’m choosing paint colours. My jolly old lady is becoming herself again 🫧✨🪩

If Alain de Botton had hair, he’d be too powerful. That’s why God made his head look like Grandma Bambi the geriatric hamster

Found bad damp in one of the rooms in my flat + it made me sad. But then I called Mum and explained that if we could name the flat + treat her like an old lady who deserves dignity, it will help. The building is 1939, so we turned to Agatha Christie’s ‘Murder is Easy’ for a name. Meet Honoria Park!

Chrimbas

✨ It’s that time again! ✨ ily all 🫶🌟 As always:

Watching Biscotti choose to eat from his crumble bowl (healthy) before he eats his seeds (less healthy) like omg my bird is a SAINT! He is a paragon of wellness!! He is an intuitive eater!! He is my son 🥹😭✨

I need Netanyahu to get dead ASAP for many reasons, but the pettiest is that I can’t stop calling Biscotti ‘Bibee’ and he simply doesn’t deserve that comparison

Tradie don’t be lecherous when working in a woman’s house challenge (failed by my painter)

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