Them: "Hey Bobby, what's the one thing you'll do once you start getting money?" Me: "Confidently answer all these phone calls from numbers I don't recognize!"

Dear every restaurant, Asking for "No bun" on my burger does not mean 12 layers of lettuce instead. Signed, An adult who can use a fork and knife

Relaxed tonight by replying to MAGAts who claim it's time to move on from Epstein with the number of posts they've made where they're demanding the release of the files. So far the record is 72.

After speaking with mayor Karen Bass, border patrol chief Gregory Bovino claimed, "We will go anywhere, anytime we want in Los Angeles," demonstrating he has clearly never been on the 405.

That old man yelled "there's a ceasefire" and didn't realize no one was listening

Been spending my day replying, "oh but you DID vote for this!" under posts by people claiming they did not, and then turning off replies, how have you been?

The amount of people who seem comfortable with running over their fellow citizens is weird AF. And I'm not just talking about the actual people doing it, I mean the people online trying to justify it.

I don't care about immigrants coming here. I care about junk mail that's allowed to look like official government documents. Pass a law about that shit

Them: "LA is burning!" LA: "That's weed smoke. If you don't sit yo' never been out of my hometown ass down and hit this joint..."

I believe in aliens. I believe they came here, took one look at how we treat each other, and we're like, "if that's what they do to other members of their own species, fuck you think they're gonna do to us?" And bounced.

Them: "Stop comparing what's happening to Nazi Germany." Me: "I will as soon as this country stops doing things that are comparable to Nazi Germany."

Wishing all ICE agents a very pleasant choke to d***h on your lunch, today.

We need a study done as to why, in posts supportive of Pride, there's a non-stop run of homophobes saying it's Veterans Month, when that's in November. Multiple Pride posts, all across the country, from posts by sports teams, to stores, to police forces. It's like a glitch in their cult programming.

Nothing about the government seems more on the up and up than ICE, a supposed government agency, running away any time people loudly announce they're in the neighborhood and confronting them. 🙃😒

Trump's gonna fuck around and deport Elon

Capitalism is hilarious. According to multiple people at various credit repair companies the best way for me to fix my credit that has no missed payments, negatives, or derogatories, is to trash my credit with missed payments, negatives, and derogatories, and start over.

Groupon is a great place to get a deal that you still have to pay for out of pocket at the location because whatever the deal is doesn't actually qualify for what it says is does

The anxiety of how slow your driver is going to be by watching how long the Uber takes to get to you once you've ordered a ride is therapy discussion level

Disney not re-releasing Rogue One in the theater right after Andor is a huge miss. The finale lines up perfectly with the movie.

Being excited the pope is from Chicago is like finding out Amanda Waller, the head of ARGUS (DC Comics) was from Chicago. Both run organizations that claim they do good but have been highly problematic for a lot of people.

All the gorilla has to do is introduce religion and capitalism and the 100 men not only don't stand a chance, they'll begin fighting each other instead.

So, raising the minimum wage is bad because companies will hike their prices, but tariffs are good because companies will hike their prices? Ok. 🙃

Y'all are so excited for May The 4th, which is about a movie celebrating the rise of the rebellion over the empire, but don't know shit about May Day, an actual rebellion of labor against the real "empire".

*whispers* If it wasn't for government-purchased emission credits, Tesla would have reported a first quarter loss.

They want to kill shit like free lunch programs and also offer mothers $5k to make more kids they won't give free lunch to. Get the fuck out of here with that nonsense!

Congrats to RFK for his push to eliminate 2 food dyes no one even uses anymore. The worm in his brain is more active than the use of Orange B and Citrus Red 2.

I still have the piercing holes in my ears from over 20 years ago but homie ain't got a scratch after being "shot".

If you're a movie watcher, please go see #Sinners in the theater, preferably in IMAX. #RyanCoogler filmed it in 70mm for IMAX, got final cut, first dollar gross, and future rights reversion. That's Tarantino-level artistic freedom.

Once I realized the mechanism of how you can use astrology to manipulate people, I understood why so many people are into it.

The face when Oprah gets Steadman and you get to go to the vast emptiness of space

Wait, now Trump has to create some tariff exceptions to help some of the car companies? I thought the tariffs were the thing that was supposed to help the car companies. These people rewrite the script more than Kevin Feige.

This morning, Bezos' Blue Origin rocket shot Katy Perry, Gayle King, and Lauren Sanchez into space. The only downside? The rocket is also bringing them back.

"Gender isn't a construct" says the people who call you girly for not liking UFC or football.

I hate that "pump and dump" refers to a stock market scheme and isn't the title of a hilarious adult movie about a guy who has to use the bathroom immediately after sex.

So...tariffs work, but we need to pause them for 90 days? This is market manipulation for dummies (by dummies)

The government wrongfully deporting one person they won't bring back means they can wrongfully deporting any person and not bring them back. Yes, this means you. And you. And the rest of you.

Happy "Purposely Lie To Your Friends And Family" Day!

I've never experienced anything that boggles my mind, but I have experienced something that chutes & ladders my mind.

Everybody is freaking out over who wasn't in the Avengers: Doomsday cast list announcement when you should all know that's not everybody who is showing up in the movie.

The percentage of times, "I'm gonna turn that off before I go to bed" actually happens for me is 0.7%.

The Boston Celtics were purchased for $360 million in 2002. Yesterday they were sold for $6.1 billion. Don't ever tell me it's the players who make too much money.

Because they bring it up in every argument, I'm convinced MAGAts watch way more MSNBC and CNN than people on the left.

How are there still people boarding airplanes thinking a closed overhead bin might have space if they open it?

I know I'm supposed to hate Starbucks but GD are these other coffee places terrible. I don't care how fancy your menu board is you're not a coffee place if you don't have at least half & half and can't steam it. I don't care how raw your sugar is, stock some Splenda or at least Equal.

Dick Durbin? More like throw that dick in the dirt bin if you ask me.

I'm not saying the attempted assassination of Donald Trump in Pennsylvania was staged, but I will say if someone tried to assassinate me, that's all you'd hear about for like, two years.

Love this.

Dear restaurant websites, I shouldn't have to start an order to see your menu and I shouldn't have to download that menu to see it, either.

Hilarious to see people making fun of the poor online like the wealthy don't see them as poor, too. How you look to billionaires: "I pay taxes" you're poor "I make six figures" POOR "I own a small business" FUCKING POOR! At least some of us will be ground up in a gold plated meat grinder, right?

Elongated Muskrat bought X just to have a place his X's could contact him.