Ta da!!! I’m a vampire… oops! I said it out loud. I owe you content. Life owed me clarity. We’re negotiating. Anyways starting today: Heartbreak Diaries (7 days). No wisdom. Just truth and mild sarcasm. Pull up a chair, and just pour your heart out too. I could do with company.

What space are you making for yourself in this AI world?

The hardest job on earth has to be thinking of what to eat, especially if you have to think for two people 😫

It’s the beginning of a new week. Let’s get to know each other. I’d go first, My name is “up there” and I’m a whole bag of fun and unfiltered thoughts 😂 Your turn👇🏾

Nothing says “toxic” like starting chaos, offering peace like it’s a favor, and then getting mad no one claps for your performance. That’s not diplomacy. That’s gaslighting with extra steps. 💨💨

Yeah, and I guess if I buy Einstein’s comb I’ll suddenly understand quantum physics too🙄

I need to get this off my chest; If you wake up early and make your bed… You either have your life together or you’re running from something. Either way, I’m scared of you.

Honestly… I wake up some days like, “I didn’t cause this chaos. Why am I emotionally paying rent for it?” But then you see someone being kind anyway, showing up anyway and it kinda reminds you why we still bother. They really are the MVPs. Just hope they’re drinking water and getting hugs too. 🥲💛

At this point, AI isn’t evolving. It’s speedrunning a sci-fi movie plot we refused to watch the ending of. AI: Don’t worry, we’re just here to automate the boring stuff. Also AI: Your face has now been added to 14 avatars and an audiobook you never recorded. Progress is wild.

…. and when you try to be kind to everyone, I hope you include yourself too. Send a dm for promotions.

Meanwhile, America’s been acting like a chaotic restaurant: ‘Hi yes, I’ll take the potential WorldWarIII and can you throw in a side of economic collapse? Oh, and please cancel that order of healthcare for 13 million people , we’re watching our empathy.’ ⭐ 1-star experience. Would not recommend?

🧠 “How I accidentally got emotionally invested in a toaster” I saw a smart toaster on sale for $79. The reviews were like: “It remembers your settings!” “Heats evenly like a warm hug!” “My mornings feel less lonely.” …Less lonely?? 🧵👇🏾

There’s a version of me that prays, paints, works with international brands and still has time to stretch. That version feels far, but I know she’s not gone. She’s just on factory reset. Bear with me while I reboot.

Advice You Probably Shouldn’t Take! HI, I missed you too. So here’s today’s advice you probably shouldn’t take: You feel lost in life? SLEEP. The version of you with a nap in them might have answers. What's been happening with you in my ab-sence😏 #badadvice

I'd heard of the fingering trick to prevent a dog attack, and even had to use it one time A woman was being attacked and the dog wouldn't let go. Eventually the owner dragged the dog off. The woman thanked me for trying, but reminded me it was the dog I was supposed to finger.

What he said

Everything is bad but birds are good so time to reinstitute BIRD PROTOCOL where a bird is deployed to offset endless evil vibes, please enjoy, birds are good, okay bye (photo by me)

Workouts for specific days in a week make you feel like your life is in order. Like you could run for President 😂

The thing about time isn’t really real, it’s just a point of view that it is

When we say that we hope this post is ‘awesome,’ we don’t mean we want it to be expressive of awe or terror. We mean that we hope you like it. This reduction of a word's intensity is called ‘semantic bleaching.’

When you set up a camera to see if your dog gets depressed while you’re away. Dog immediately you step out: “Oh thank goodness she out” Takes to the couch And starts humping hard😂😂 You come home and see what the camera captured, what would be your reaction?

The Week After Valentine’s Day Lover: [smiling] Valentine’s was perfect! He even wrote me a poem. Situationship Survivor: [deadpan] Mine wrote me a ‘wyd’ at 11:47 PM. Chocolate Enthusiast: [munching] Couldn’t be me. I’m in a committed relationship with 70% off truffles. Singles? 👇🏾what’s urs

A prison bus and a cement mixer collided last week. This week, The news read; The Police said that we should look out for HARDENED CRIMINALS. Any idea where they might be?

I literally just sent ‘LOL’ without actually laughing. Then sent ‘No worries!’ even though I was very worried. Followed by ‘I’m fine’ when I was absolutely NOT fine. I'm starting to fear that my texts have become a labyrinth of lies. How do y'all live without this fear cos I need tips.

Linda bought a shelf from IKEA. The box said: ‘Easy assembly. 20 mins.’ 4 hours later: Linda is on step 38 of 12. She’s invented 3 new curse words. The shelf? Looks like modern art. Her relationship with Allen (the useless little tool) is toxic. But do you think she give up?

At some point, you used your childhood bike for the last time. And you never realized it.

I'm ready to tackle all the delicious possibilities 2025 has to offer! Bring on the new recipes, the new restaurants, and the new flavors! Happy new year 🎊🎆

I’m no PETA lady but I do think it’s pretty messed up that they make sweaters out of turtlenecks and tears out of crocodiles

Apparently the only way of dealing with my remote control that isn’t working is to bang it on the table and scream “COME ON”

Do ants poop?

Me: 🙋‍♂️ 'Merry Christmas!' Also me: 🥴 5 days ago Hope you all had a wonderful holiday and how many boxes have you unpacked despite my late wishes?🎄🎁 #Happyboxingday

You’re at dinner with someone you care about. No phones, just stories, eye contact, and actual laughter. Feels like a vintage movie, doesn’t it? Let’s bring it back. Trust me your notifications would survive. Tag someone you’d love to spend an unplugged day with. Let’s start a trend #OfflineMoments

Whoever said ‘a tidy home equals a tidy mind’ clearly never experienced the calm chaos of leaving clean laundry on a chair for three weeks. Sometimes, it’s just vibes.

I'm starting to think that the only reason we have social media is so that we can compare our lives to other people's lives.

Things that bring pure joy; 1. Taking your bra off at the end of the day 2. Cheat day; having to satisfy a craving 3. Realizing your period is over 4. Waking up and realizing you have more time to sleep 5. People who smell good 6. Being in a person profile picture 7. Being my friend Which is?

Do you ever mentally reply to a text and then realize two weeks later that you never actually sent it? To everyone still waiting: I swear it’s not personal

Do you ever walk into a room and immediately forget why you’re there? Like, was I here to grab my phone or ponder my existence?

Is it possible to be both a morning person and a night owl? Or we are all just pretending?

Pressing the elevator button more than once doesn’t make it come faster, it just makes us feel powerful. Stop it!!!

It’s Sunday! JESUS or nothing ✋

What If dreams are actually real we are actually living in someone’s dream? A thought. What was your dream today?