why is this the first time i'm hearing/seeing this song? 👏 youtu.be/OjTgUdQlLtI

was telling someone that i will literally have no place to live in 43 days now, & they told me to 'trust in god'. told them i was an atheist. their response "trust me, you need god". so i need something that i just said doesn't exist? guess i really am fucked 🙄😒

"A human being can survive almost anything as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end." – Elizabeth Wurtzel

well, i've applied to nearly 100 jobs in the last month, & either they're not interested, or they're just scams that ask you for money. in other words, i'm still gonna be homeless in 3 mos unless some millionaire takes pity on me & donates to my paypal or something 😭

since no one on the planet is willing to help me avoid impending homelessness, been applying for jobs even tho it's impossible for me to actually have a "real" job, & amazingly i got offered 1, then told all i'd have to do to be hired is buy 15k worth of office equipment 😒🙄

so, i just got told i have til halloween to find another place to live, & i have absolutely zero options other than homelessness, so i'm too much of a wreck right now for anything else at all 😭

phew, lae'zel actually didn't approve of gale blowing himself up & stopped her hobo'ing long enough to kill thorm & amazingly, jaheira was still recruitable (after rushing from the shadowfell & protecting her from 30 baddies) but at least i don't have to go back to pre-SH's BS 🙄

as much as SH hates lae'zel, the only choice laez approves of in SH's quest is killing aylin. guess being true to lae'zel's character means i'm doing an evil playthrough, period.. i can just guess the horrid ending she'll want for my astarion now too! 😭

wow i was about to go on a rant aboutthe faith leap trial being broken cuz when i finally did it, there was no gem. turns out i loaded a save before giving the altar blood, so it didn't spawn. luckily another companion gave the blood & it appeared at the end for me 😳

though i still would like halsin better if it didn't feel like he only exists to infringe upon established romances, he does get some points for calling certain ppl on their brainwashed bs 😏

after seeing which aholes approve of being horrible to astarion with araj, my fave companions list changed again before: ast-gal-hal-kar-jah-sha-msc-wyl-lae-mth now: ast-jah-msc-kar-gal-hal-sha-wyl-mth-lae honestly most have pissed me off at some point, but gotta rank em somehow

& my commentary continues here since i have no clue when i'll be able to actually stream again 😜 but this is what happens if you aggro everyone in moonrise before going to the nightsong.. thorm left the room & apparently minth is on our side (she musta enjoyed the concussion i gave her in act 1) 😜

no wonder halsin wants to jump every player character: PLUS FORTY??? 🤨

every time i'm wandering through the shadow cursed lands in bg3, i so want there to be an option to say to SH, "so, is THIS that 'perfect eternal darkness' you keep goin on about?" 🤨

ugh, good thing i'm not romancing astarion in my lae'zel run. she apparently approves of immediately attacking the guards outside moonrise, therefore aggroing everyone in the place, including araj! 😠

i've removed mods & everything, astarion is still unable to go to camp or even waypoint any time he's in the deeper shadow curse. only thing i can do is (grudgingly af) tell him to go back to camp on his own any time i have to long rest or waypoint when in deeper curse areas 😠

now i'm getting some really weird bug in bg3 where astarion just can no longer go to camp. if you choose long rest he falls asleep out in the world if you choose go to camp he just remains standing out in the world. if you select him, he doesn't even have the go to camp choice

perhaps i'm more of an optimist than i thought: i keep watching bg3 playthroughs that piss me off, just HOPING they eventually get better (or maybe i'm just more of a masochist than i thought 😬)

spent 3 hrs reading a reddit thread about whether or not astarion's ACTUALLY poly. the real problem with why so many refuse to think so is 1 thing: INCONSISTENT WRITING. multiple times in the game you're given indications that he would NOT be interested in sharing, then suddenly

yay 1 of my mods (not sure which, maybe 1 of the vampire ones?) finally fixed the fact that the undead shouldn't be sweating! 😜

wow, the githyanki get even MORE likable when you speak to the inquisitor's corpse 🙄 (still can't believe i got banned from a chat for saying they seemed like they were based on nazis.. i mean... )

gee & i thought the brainwashing was bad when lae'zel was just a companion, as avatar lae'zel, that's quite the lovely first choice, ain't it? 🙄

think i've hopefully found a way to finally get through an origin playthrough, considering i don't see any of em romancing astarion, & if i'm not romancing him, 90% of my fun is gone. gonna try to pretend MY mc is simply there in the background, romancing star while the ori plays the leader role 🤔

finally gave into the (dark) urge to look at some of bg3's dev notes, & here's one i'm sure the ppl that buy a certain bs reddit post about "he makes us a bride, NOT a spawn" will LOVE this one 😏

still one of my favorite astarion lines. hits so hard if you bother learning his story... 😢

been a week since i could stream & already lost a YT subscriber... yay only 3 more mos of this school's out torture to go.... 😒

if you know bg3, you know the quest log shows the newest things on top, oldest on bottom, so i got a question here: you ok game? 🤨

decided to once again try to get to the end of each origin playthrough (i've tried all but gale so far, & only made it to act 3, or even past act 1, on DU & astarion). my problem is i don't see ANY origins romancing astarion, & when i don't romance him, i lose all interest

i wish all the people that just immediately write astarion off an an "evil jerk," & who don't bother even learning anything about him or his story would watch this, but you know they won't 🥺 youtu.be/i_MdXY-31YI

i do still love seeing the reaction of ppl seeing anything about my favorite game for the first time ever (even if there's barely any astarion in this video, it was still quite entertaining) youtu.be/6a3kv7BxTFU

at least i did find this, one thing they fixed since the 2x i originally finished the game back in 2023: youtube.com/shorts/1MukT...

still burying myself in youtube since i don't have the energy to do anything else during another hellish weekend, & just stumbled upon another allegedly pro-astarion video, which just ended up pissing me off with how anti-astarion it really seemed 😡

today i'm too wracked with anxiety to do anything more than stare blankly at youtube, but i did manage to find another amazing astarion video at least: youtu.be/Hfs1YgVWFzc

wow, an astarion video that didn't piss me off incredibly: youtu.be/Ey88WLxhLPA?...

for the last few days, my neck/back have been hurting soo badly that it's been even more impossible to get any rest than it already is due to noise/anxiety... mebbe that's what's fueling all my rants in recent days 😝

since my game skipped haarlep, lemme explain here why i have SUCH a prob with the scene: he basically says "i want you to get naked & let me bang you while all your friends AND your love interest watch the whole thing, & in return, i get to use your body whenever i want &..

for the 1 or 2 ppl that saw stream today, you know that the auto-loot mod caused the game to entirely skip the haarlep scene, & even tho i loathe every single thing about that scene, i'm still kinda pissed cuz i REALLY wanted to see if they FINALLY fixed the companions' reactions 😠

at least i had a couple ppl watching today, & i appreciate them immensely. although the game did do some wonky stuff today, but oh well. hope to see more of you in the next stream, whenever on earth that may be...

oo this was a nice find tonite! www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ke90...

also, new rimworld xpac out in a month, if i actually could stream again after tomorrow, or had any money at all 😝 maybe i could play some of that on stream... IF 🙁

so, i allegedly CAN stream tomorrow (& who knows WHEN after that?) & it's finally time for the ever so lovely house of hope... quick, someone pretend they care enough to watch! 😝

of course larian just went live the same time i'm about to again! 😝 but i'm VERY close to completing my own dark urge run & i'm about to go live in just a few, so PLEASE come chat with me live & help keep me motivated to get through the hardest parts! www.twitch.tv/janelle_walden